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Legal matters

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you have any legal concerns we suggest you consult a solicitor.

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Original poster

My daughters dads in prison for frued, still dont have my child back!

27 replies

Raddz · 30/03/2018 17:30

Sorry for the length that this might be in. But I really need some advice.. Please dont judge.. I have a child who is three. Most of her life I have been trying to flee my ex partner. I have been in womens aid about 3 times because of him. The last time I was in the refuge was about 2 years ago because her dad was just stalking me, making threats and being violent even tho i had broken up with him. Time goes on in the refuge and its time to move out to my mums where i can have support and move on with my child. Social services was okay with this and gradually left me alone. Move in with my mum and things go okay. I meet someone and move to another place with them and my daughter ... things went bad and drugs, violence and social again become involved. I started taking amphetamines with my partner on the weekends and things went out of hand. I have no excuse as to why i was doing that. I just was unfortunality. He was violent and chaotic.. I protected myself one day and go arrested. The police let me go with no offences. When i got out the cells. My child father had taken my daughter. Which he had a good point to it as i was letting her down. Anyway time goes on and i try sorting contact but he stops it all the time. I got a message one day saying that he was in prison for frued, he stole 88k off a lady. He was working with Somalians. He got 22 month but literally out in june. He went before last Christmas. I have been working and doing well with social. When my daughter got taken I have had three jobs moved in to the ymca moved out and moved in to a shared house.. I have proved myself. I dont take any drugs, drink or have any offences. All they have on me is stability and of course the past.. drugs, domestic violence, moving around etc. My social worker is okay, but she seems to change the way she is all the time. I have been waiting for contact for 14 weeks, she constantly says yeah im sorting it, my child daddy is out in june. My daughter lives with his mum and when he gets out he will go there and live with my daughter. He has 11 offences including arson, battery ... the usual that horrible men have. Social say because he didn't committ the crime when he had her its okay! Not in my eyes its not. She says were both bad because we messed up. If im clean and changed my life around then why cant I have her back? Theres no order and no court orders... i have a key worker that helps me and who also doesnt understand why social are doing this? Can anyone help please? What would you do? Help xx

OP posts:

MadMags · 30/03/2018 17:32

It sounds like she’d be safer where she is, with her grandmother.

Sorry but you shouldn’t “have her back”. Not now, anyway.

How long have you been clean?

LIZS · 30/03/2018 17:36

Do you have a suitable home now, are you still with your p? What legal advice did you have?

Momo18 · 30/03/2018 17:48

I would ask for supervised visits and agree to regular drug tests and ask for parenting courses etc. Basically bend over backwards to prove yourself for asking as it takes.

PrettyLittIeThing · 31/03/2018 09:16

I really don't think you should get her back. You had a chance to be a mum and you blew it. How many chances do you think you should get?

ALemonyPea · 31/03/2018 09:21

You describe your child’s father as a horrible man, yet you’ve done some awful stuff yourself,while you’re child has been in your care.

Your child needs stability more than anything, and until you’re able to give her that, she should stay where she is safest.

Request supervised visits and work your way up from there. Small steps, not one giant leap. Make sure you’re completely clean and have a job and a home first. You have to prove yourself able to care for her.

Vangoghsear · 31/03/2018 09:24

Presumably you could apply to the family court?

Runninglateeveryday · 31/03/2018 09:25

Is she happy at her grandmas? She has had no stability from you and you have put your own needs above hers , and not just once. Sorry but it's very unlikely she will live with you again. Is a court order in place stating that you should have contact and how often ?

Notallthat · 31/03/2018 09:28

What have you done to prove you should have her back? Being off drugs isn't enough to make you a worthy parent and you let her down terribly at an age where she really needed you. What you want doesn't come into it, if you are determined to give her the best possible life do as the pp suggested and get a nice place to live, a good job, go on courses etc, offer to do drug tests and build up a relationship with your daughter again slowly under whatever conditions SS put on you. If you really want her back and want the best possible life for her you can do it but it will be a slow process.

Momo18 · 31/03/2018 09:34

Op did you also have a son in your care? Sure I recognise you

WiggyPig · 31/03/2018 09:37

This isn't AIBU, those who are saying the OP shouldn't have her back. She's asking advice in legal matters about how to pursue a legal case to get contact / residence established, not asking for your views on her past parenting.

I'm not a family specialist OP but I do represent people in similar situations. You will need to be proactive - more than you already are.

Ask your key worker to help you (or find someone who can help you) make an application for contact.

Accept it may need to be supervised at first.

Offer drug and alcohol testing as frequently as they would like.

If you have / have had a probation officer ask them to write in support to confirm that you are no longer involved in the criminal justice system.

DaisysStew · 31/03/2018 09:42

You need to go to family court and apply for contact officially. As Social Services are involved you will automatically be eligible for Legal Aid so there’s nothing stopping you from applying.

flumpybear · 31/03/2018 09:42

It sounds like you've started to turn your life around but it's not s long time and you took your daughter to live with a druggy and violent person, this is bad enough and you should have walked away then rather than turning to drugs yourself and that you cannot prove you won't do again

I'd be asking for shared custody perhaps in the first instance but expect SS to be involved for a long time because your child needs support

NameyMcChangeRae · 31/03/2018 09:49

OT - but what do somalians have to do with anything?

user1498854363 · 31/03/2018 09:49

Op
I hear you want your child back, but as a parent you need to put her needs first. What is best for her (not you). If you can’t do that you aren’t ready yet to parent her so need to allow someone who can. I haven’t felt your pain but see the child’s pain.
Keep getting support, it will help.

MeltSnow · 31/03/2018 09:53

Well done for getting back on track but I wonder if it’s best for your daughter to stay where she is and have the stability of living with her Grandmother. I’d try to pursue visitation. Hopefully then you can end up being a positive part of your daughters life even if your daughter isn’t living with you.

MissTeri · 31/03/2018 10:00

If im clean and changed my life around then why cant I have her back? Because you are likely deemed at risk of falling into the same old habits perhaps?
Theres no order and no court orders... i have a key worker that helps me and who also doesnt understand why social are doing this?
See above
Can anyone help please? What would you do?
In your situation I would relay my concerns regarding your ex partners cababilities of parenting your child.
I would take it upon myself to do any/every parenting course available to me - alongside the Freedom programme if you've not done that already.
I would try to build up a good support network.Are you close with your parents? Do they support you? Do you have any close friends or other family members?
I would stay single! You clearly make bad decisions when it comes to men - I'm not judging, I do too sadly.
I don't have any legal advice but if social services ask you to jump you ask how high, it's futile arguing with them and they will see you as being obstructive and unwilling to work with them if you do.

RebelRogue · 31/03/2018 10:14

Propose supervised contact. Offer to take drug tests. Go on parenting courses and do the Freedom programme(this is very important).
Are you still living in a shared house? What is the background of the occupants? Is your tenancy secure? What is the sex of your flat mates?

Most importantly is your daughter safe,happy and settled with her grandma?

pinkdelight · 31/03/2018 10:19

The timeframe feels very tight here - within two years you moved from refuge to your mums to druggie partner to ymca to shared house - and presumably somewhere else now if you're in a home you feel is suitable for your child to live in? Well done on getting clean and making progress, but like others I feel that you'd have to sustain this for longer to prove that you can provide a stable home and not make more bad decisions. You been through some chaotic times and need to be settled for more than a matter of months. Rather than focusing on your ex's unsuitability
to parent - which may be true but is out of your hands - focus on yourself and do everything possible to prove yourself suitable (drug tests, parenting courses, working/training etc), and keep doing it until you have a solid track record with no cause for doubt. Good luck with it all.

backsackcraic · 31/03/2018 10:26

You need to see a solicitor.

Original poster

Raddz · 31/03/2018 15:35

No. Clearly not as i wouldnt be asking for advice

OP posts:

QuiteLikely5 · 31/03/2018 15:42

The SW is acting very poorly here. You should certainly be offered supervised contact.

In the past have you failed to turn up for contact?

It is always important to keep children in contact with their birth parents but the longer you leave it the harder it gets to re-establish

Keep a diary of the dates and calls you have made to request contact

If you could secure appropriate accommodation, perhaps get a job then you might start to look appealing to SW

They are looking for stability.

Unfortunately your past is counting against you that’s why you really need to evidence real change to stand a chance

QuiteLikely5 · 31/03/2018 15:44

And be thankful granny can look after her otherwise she would be with strangers

expatinscotland · 31/03/2018 15:46

Poor kid. I hope she can stay with her grandmother and have some stability.

MadMags · 31/03/2018 15:47

No. Clearly not as i wouldnt be asking for advice

Who was that to?

kittensinmydinner1 · 31/03/2018 16:09

If there are no court orders , then what basis is she living with her grandmother ? Does she have a 'guardianship' order. ?
If no order 'against ' you. In other words no order that she doesn't see you, then you can make an application for a child arrangements order . You can get the form from the web at HMCTS.Gov. (Form c100). The cost is £215 but if you are on a low income or benefits you can fill in the form 'fee exemption' and the application should be free. (Form EX 50)
The case will go to court and the judge will decide what is best for your daughter after asking the social workers for their report. If I were you I would request 'supervised contact'. As you are unlikely to be granted unsupervised. The judge will also , more than likely , require that you submit to regular testing.

You do not need permission to do this. You can print the forms off the web and fill them in today and send them off. The advantage to this will be that you will have some form of contact (probably) in place when her father comes out of prison. He will have to continue allowing this contact or break the order.

Turn up to every contact, EVERY TIME, no excuses. Do not put anyone or anything in front of this. Same with drug testing. You have everything to prove and will be given very little further chances to put your child first.

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