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Original poster

Advice needed operation preventing handover with ex

26 replies

AKP79 · 19/03/2018 17:01

I am no longer a 'lone parent', but I am still navigating separated parenting issues so I'm hoping this is the right place to post.

I have a court order which stipulates that I have to meet my ex halfway for handovers. The halfway point is over one hour away. However, I am pregnant now and will have to have an elective C-Section which could mean not being able to drive for up to 8 weeks. The Sunday pick up will be fine because my partner can do this, but I won't be able to take my son on the Friday and my partner will be at work until late.

My ex is completely unreasonable and it is like talking to a brick wall half the time so having an adult conversation will be impossible. Does anyone know where I stand legally on this?

OP posts:
Original poster
AKP79 · 19/03/2018 17:02

Have moved this over from the 'Lone Parent' thread

OP posts:
Weezol · 19/03/2018 17:05

Could you tell us how old the child in question is and whether you have anyone else who could do the Friday?

mixture · 19/03/2018 17:07

Gee, I'm sorry to hear you are in such a difficult position, I have no idea, but if it's that bad maybe you need to contact a professional legal adviser and discuss. In my world the other party would have driven one hour extra and not made a fuss about it. Is there really nobody else who can make it, a neighbour or a trusted friend or a classmate's mum, if that's allowed (or maybe you have to do it in person??).

Original poster
AKP79 · 19/03/2018 17:11

Sure. DS is 6 so is at school. It's 2.5 hours door to door from home to his fathers.

There isn't anyone else who can do the Friday handover. My parents are local, but my Dad still works full time and my mum is an anxious driver and to be honest I would worry about her driving for the 3 hour round trip (she's 72).

It's a really difficult situation. I had considered my partner doing the whole round trip on the Sunday, but he's self employed and only has 1 (2 days max) off at weekends. He'd be in the car for 5 hours and miss the only time with his newborn. Obviously if this is what we are legally bound to do we will of course do it.

OP posts:
Original poster
AKP79 · 19/03/2018 17:13

There is no way my ex will do the full drive unless he is forced to by law. Yesterday we asked to meet 2 hours earlier as we knew we were due to get more snow and the roads would freeze, we thought it was in everyone's interest to meet earlier to be on the safe side. But he refused because the court order sets a time and he was not prepared to "negotiate".

OP posts:
RandomMess · 19/03/2018 17:20

Hmmm you could cancel stating you are unwell and can't drive.

All he could do is take you to court to enforce it I suspect? Perhaps Gingerbread have a helpline that you could discuss options with.

It could be good bonding post baby being born for your DP to take half a day leave and do the drive?

GreenTulips · 19/03/2018 17:25

Well he's unreasonable isn't he! Tell him to take you to court and see what they say! Not a fat lot you can do about it - you can't drive for 6 weeks as your insurance will be invalid and you'd be breaking the law -

C0untDucku1a · 19/03/2018 17:27

Yes i agree take legal advice, put every reasonable adjustment in writing and let him take you to court. A judge surely will be sensible.

mixture · 19/03/2018 17:31

Any aunt available, or uncle, or mum's friend, or neighbour? I read a post here on mumsnet where someone was off driving, got herself into a panic, and dared not drive home, so her mum's neighbours had come to the rescue, the man driving her car home, the wife or maybe the mum driving the other car home. I think I read it here on Mumsnet, not quite sure. Quite outrageous event in its own way, but shows people normally like to help each other out in difficult situations, and all you have to do is ask.

Adarajames · 19/03/2018 17:35

Did he move away or you? Although he's being an inflexible arse either way, ex partners doing things like this makes me so very very glad I'm single and no kids, all seems so utterly juvenile and point scoring!
Hope you recover well and enjoy your new born op Flowers

Original poster
AKP79 · 19/03/2018 18:16

Thanks for all the advice, I can't afford it, but I think I'll get in touch with my solicitor and ask him

We've actually had an incident tonight where my son has revealed at dinner that his father and his wife have been telling stories about me and talking about things my son shouldn't be involved in. The order rules that they are not allowed to have adult conversations with him. It was very sad because he's just asked me 'why does Daddy lie about you mummy?' I feel I need to get a legal letter sent out.

I could probably find someone to do the journey as a one off, but I worry it's asking too much to get someone to do this 3 - 4 times on a Friday afternoon. I can always ask around.

OP posts:
Original poster
AKP79 · 19/03/2018 18:25

@Adarajames I moved away, but I had been made redundant so didn't have a job to return to, I had no family close by, we had been served an eviction notice on the flat we were living in at the time and he left me when our son was 3 months old and moved in with his now wife. I had to find somewhere to live and my parents took us in. They were 2.5 miles away.

OP posts:
Original poster
AKP79 · 19/03/2018 18:31

*hours not miles.

OP posts:
Weezol · 19/03/2018 20:24

By having adult conversations with your son, the x breached the agreement first. I would def. raise this with your solicitor, it's a possible reason to withdraw access.

It sounds very much like x thinks the courts will back him up whatever he does. They won't. The court will decide what is reasonable, not him. They will see you being reasonable by trying to find a work around.

It's not as if you're denying access. You're asking for a short variation of terms owing to a medical procedure. That is not unreasonable.

The saddest thing is that, for your x, this isn't about a six year old child. This is all about your x throwing a strop because you're happy and he doesn't like it.

QuiteLikely5 · 19/03/2018 20:34

The good news is that it is a myth that you cannot drive for 8 weeks.

Read your insurance policy.

ivykaty44 · 19/03/2018 20:41

So your ex doesn’t stick to the court order about ‘having adult conversation’ but you’re worried about not driving your son half way after major surgery

I’d let him know the dates in writing you won’t be able to make it and say due to not legally being able to drive - then sit back and let him do all the work

Fgs let him do the running around with solicitors and courts - nothing you can do about surgery

Original poster
AKP79 · 20/03/2018 13:36

Thanks again for all the advice and support. I have contacted my solicitor today about the inappropriate conversations and have also asked about the potential driving issues and sought his advice on dealing with that. I'm just waiting to hear back.

@ivykaty44 you make an excellent point. I am so hell bent on not breaking the rules and following things to the letter, that I sometimes don't take a more balanced view.

@QuiteLikely5 unfortunately it took 10 weeks before I was signed off for driving with my son and it's not a straight forward section with this one either so it's possible that recovery could be 8 weeks or more again. Frustrating as I knew friends driving 4 weeks after theirs.

OP posts:
Parrothead · 20/03/2018 13:43

You can't drive for 6 weeks as your insurance will be invalid and you'd be breaking the law -

Do you have a source for this? My doctor released me to drive after 2.5 weeks as I was feeling fine. Would I really not have been covered??

Original poster
AKP79 · 20/03/2018 13:49

@Parrothead I think it depends on your individual insurer. I know that most are happy for you to drive as soon as your doctor has signed you off for driving.

OP posts:
SickofThomasTheTank · 20/03/2018 13:58

I would withhold access as of now? He's having inappropriate conversations both with him and in front of him. That's damaging, not only a breach of agreement. If he wants to take you back to court he can do, at his own cost

Plsadvise · 20/03/2018 17:02

Can your partner ask if he can start and finish early for a couple of Fridays?

Or can you do a week-by-week basis type thing so you don't have to ask too much of people.

You could maybe have a friend do the first one; then your dp take a half day for the next one; then your dad take a half day for the third one? And cancel one cos you're too poorly?

QuiteLikely5 · 20/03/2018 17:28

Unless there are serious complications with your section you will definitely be able to drive

There are no complications lasting ten weeks that I’ve ever heard of?

And even then, your eyes, brain, legs etc will be fine to drive

Original poster
AKP79 · 20/03/2018 20:31

Thanks for the further advice.

@Plsadvise that's really good practical advice. Sometimes it's hard to see the wood for the trees.

@QuiteLikely5 - whether you meant it to be or not I find your comment a little patronising. I was in hospital for 3 weeks post birth with a damaged bladder and additional complications from an emergency operation with my son, which very nearly resulted both me and my son not surviving. I am allergic to most medications and have health complications, which mean surgery is not as straight forward as it may be for others.

I think it is very realistic of me to be erring on the side of caution and looking at this in terms of if I have a repeat situation how will we manage it and where do we stand legally. The drive is a 3 hour round trip. If it was 20 mins each I probably wouldn't be worrying quite as much. Hopefully this is all supposition and when it comes to it not something I need to worry about, however given the inflexible nature of my ex, we need to know where we stand and have a plan in place.

OP posts:
QuiteLikely5 · 21/03/2018 07:56

If you were in hospital I doubt for one minute that your ex would want to you to discharge yourself to do the journey

Neither would a judge

You are overthinking this

Enko · 21/03/2018 14:21

Quitelikely ops x left her with a 3 month old babu to go to ow.. i woild be of the opinion he would relish in forcing his way through.

Op i hope your solicitor can work something out