Divorce and custody

[AnethystAngel]

I have two year old twins. I've suffered emotional abuse from my narcissist husband for over 11 years out of the 15 we've been together. Why did I stay?.... well that's another topic! Anyone who knows about narcissism will understand how they 'woo' you in and chip away at you slowly.

He works away on a rig 4 wks on, 3.5 off. Things are bad between us and he threatened that if I left him he'd give up his job and go on the dole as he wouldn't be a cash machine. A few months have passed and I think he's looking for a job here so he can go for full custody of the twins just out of spite. (He has to be in control at any cost). I can't afford to divorce him so I've never done anything other than get only divorce advice.

One of the twins is very fond of daddy where as the other is all for me. Once in anger he said 'I'll have M and you have A" I couldn't believe it that he'd consider splitting up identical twins just to get one over on me. He tells all his friends I use the girls against him ..... amongst other lies.... that's what narcissists do. I'm worrying silly as to whether he could take my girls off me? I've been with them everyday practically since they were conceived! They're my universe. What can I do? Even if I'm still stuck with him till the twins are 4 or 5.... would the courts take M off me if they asked her who'd she like to live with? My anxiety is taking over.

I wanted to stay with the girls at home in their first years. They're precious to me. I gave up my teaching career to do this. He rules us financially and makes sure I'm aware of that when it suits him. I've no family around to help so childcare would cost a bomb as my husband earns over the limit.... but we're still in debt due to his secret credit card sprees, ( his secretive issues are another topic but I've had to learn to accept him having passwords on everything going for over 13 years. )

I wish I could afford to leave . Our mortgage is high here and joint names on it. I could t afford to buy him out or keep the house on. He knows this. He said he'd never leave. He's stonewalling me now as I write this. I can't discuss anything with him as in his eyes he's never done anything wrong and twists it all around to make me feel I'm messed up or to blame for our relationship breakdown. When in fact his secrecy, lies, porn, avoidance, stonewalling , name calling abuse and controlling behaviour etc etc, is to blame.

Any constructive advice would help me lots, thanks.

It is highly unlikely that he would be able to get an order that your daughters live with him as you are currently the primary carer. It is also highly unlikely that the courts would split your daughters.

You really need to get proper legal advice. It may be, for example, that the courts would order him to leave the house but continue paying the mortgage so that you and your daughters could continue living in the family home until they are grown up.

Thanks. We live in a 4 bed house ( we have a box room that's not even big enough but it's classed as a bedroom). I think the courts would throw us out as they would say the house is too big. Someone told me they would even push us into a two bed house & that the girls should permanently share a bedroom. We have no savings as he spends it all. He has debt on credit cards too. Every time they've got cleared he's spent a load more money. No idea what on as everything is secret. I see the bills but no statement of spending. I'm not allowed to challenge him on anything or I get accused of being his mother. In two years he's shared a bed with me 8 times. Sex is zero. My anxiety is sky high and over the years it's got worse because of how he behaves towards me. I give the twins my absolute all. He's never gone out and bought them anything, researched anything to support them educationally, health wise etc .... it's all me that's done it. He thinks because he brings the cash in that he can sit back and just play with the twins when it suits him. Twins are perfect for his narcissistic ego. He's always flashing them off like trophies. His whole family are narcissists and control freaks. They've no heart or empathy for others. I'm sadly an empath. Sorry I'm ranting. I live near Selby / Leeds/ York/ Doncaster so if anyone can highly recommend a good family lawyer please message me.

I think the courts would throw us out as they would say the house is too big

Don't make assumptions like that. And don't listen to people giving you scare stories. When you consult a lawyer they will be able to advise you on what you are really likely to get.

Honestly I would phone Woman's Aid and leave via a refuge you desperately need to protect yourself and DC from him above staying in your 4 bed Home

Go to see a family law specialist first. Don’t leave the house that is home for you and your DDs. You may have to move somewhere smaller but three beds would be ok. You should consider working when you get 30 hours childcare. This would be better for you and less reliant on him. In the meantime, get professional legal advice.

Thank you for all your advice. I'll look for a family lawyer. Am I best with a female or male? ( I ask because I'm not sure if a male would see me as a typical woman trying to flinch her husband). Sorry I sound so negative.....!

The sex of the lawyer shouldn't matter.

Ask WA for recommendations of those used to dealing with abusive men.

As a teacher you are in a goud good position re taking over a mortgage/ getting a mortgage on a smaller place. In a year your twins will.be entitled to 30 hour funding. It may be when you separate that they might get 2 year funding. I would take his threat to leave work seriously ( a lot of nrps seem to resent paying maintenance ) and look to start earning at least part time, supply is a good route in.

Thanks. I've booked into see a solicitor for advise. Hope it's £60 worth well spent.

Tried to talk with husband last night. For the 4th night he was sat in his dark, untidy bedroom playing on computer games. He continued to play whilst I attempted conversation. I wasn't groveling like he probably expected. He said that he feels he can't talk to me, and I told him I felt the same but the girls happiness was paramount and we still needed to talk. He resilience and lack of respect created me to react and we ended up arguing. He uses the 'f' word in front of every word and can't help shouting. I just left the room and said 'I'm wasting my time'. His reply was 'yes, get out'. During the conversation he accused me of using the twins against him , how he was fully aware I'd drag him to hell and flinch him as much as I can.... all full of bitterness and anger. Clearly his opinion of me is extremely low. I still feel emotionally attached to him but that's because I have attachment issues. I guess that's why I've put up with his avoidance and narcissistic behaviors for so long....Hanging onto to the times he is nice. In the beginning it was magic!

We've only been in our home a year so the mortgage is high. A teaching wage to pay it would steal 3/4 of my monthly salary. But how can I downsize if there's no equity and I have no deposit? I also have a lot of stuff( box loads of books & teaching resources as I'm an arts/ graphics teacher), which fills half the garage. My heads spinning.

He also does shooting courses. I hate having guns in the house. He's obsessed with war artifacts and weapons ( he's ex military). I feel nervous around it all whether it's in the attic or not. He's has a police fitted gun cabinet but I still feel nervous.

If you have no marital assets such as equity then you need to accept that you will likely be renting instead

Agree with Random. You sound like you will be a lot happier apart but you will be poorer, that's inevitable. And you will need to work sooner rather than later.

Thank you for all your advice. I've lots to think about.

I agree with Random and RedHelen, yes renting can be unsettling compared to owning your own home but is staying on the property ladder really going to give you and your girls a better quality of life, especially if there's no equity anyway? And all the time you stay married to him he's racking up debt so there's every chance you could end up losing your house anyway. I hope you can find a way to leave.

Hi.
I am so sorry to hear about your situation. What an awful time you must be going through.
I hope you get solid legal advice and find a way forward and away from him. I totally understand how daunting it must seem. But you have to think of your children. How will they be impacted growing up seeing what your relationship is like etc.

You mention the guns. He is clearly verbally aggressive already. Are you worried about him physically aggressive?

Thanks. No he'd never lay a finger on me. He's currently away but when he's home he sees a therapist. I've seen positive changes already. He said that he doesn't want a divorce and is trying very hard. I've held off with the solicitor..... for now. He adores the girls. If he was violent there's no question.... I'd be out in a flash. I partly grew up in a violent household.

The courts would count your childcare contribution equal to his financial contributions. Even with the mega rich celebs they say the woman gets half the money for looking after children. I'm sure they wouldn't consider separating the kids, nor taking them away from their mum when dad has been abusive towards you.

Good luck with it all xx