Financial settlement

[Kyliesized]

Hi wonderful people- apologies- I’m sure this has been asked multiple times but I’m after some advice/reassurance after yet another sleepless night.
My OH and I are shortly to exchange financial settlement offers- he is 43 I’m 33- we have a 3 yo who lives with me- we have a house with circa £25k equity- I have a flat with circa 13k equity- he earns 80k +bonus- so far this year his salary is 130k mine is 11k. He has a pension 40k and a military pension- the amount is yet to be proven. He wants the house- I want the flat. I’ve owned the flat for 10 years the house was bought as a married couple- we put equal amounts into the property. We lived in my flat for about 18 months.he has said he is prepared to give me his 40k pension and he will leave my flat and my business alone-that’s it.
I want some form of spousal maintenance but understand as the marriage was 3 years it’s not going to be for long. I owe my business 27k and my parents 25k all for legal fees for the CAO order as we had to go through a finding of fact hearing ?domestic abuse.
I’m feeling really pressured to accept his proposal- he is threatening that if I don’t it’s going to drag on for 2+ years- and he is going to go after me for costs- something neither of us want- we both have new partners. At the point of separation I had 25k debt on cards and he 15k debt- I have my own business which he is threatening to take half of even though he has never brought any money into the business and took 10k out last year- I have the potential of a personal injury claim to the tune of possibly 25k by there are lots of maybes with this and no fixed time frame.
Any thoughts or advice will be hugely appreciated.
I will of course seek legal advice but I thought I’d ask here too.

Trust your solicitor. It is not possible to give advice you could rely on based on the information in your post. You should not rely on the advice of anyone who pretends otherwise.

What I can say is that his offer sounds insufficient, and costs orders are only made in exceptional circumstances, but you must balance the advice of your solicitor about what you may be awarded against the cost of taking it to court.

Don't think spousal maintenance will be applicable if you have a partner.
I would go for as much of the capital as you can reasonably expect as depending on where he works he may very well go self employed and then you may find you get little in the way of child maintenance.

Hope you get it sorted without incurring huge costs. Sometimes it's worth giving a little to get headspace back and getting on with your life.

To OP.

Engage a solicitor and be truthful in your disclosure. If you ex does same you should be able to resolve without courts. Once courts are involved costs can rise quickly as in my case.

Ex made unreasonable demands and jumped from one solicitor to another. Time elapsed from filing divorce petition to Decree Absolute was almost 2 years and about 35% of family wealth was consumed in legal costs.

Hi again @Kyliesized

My advice is to get legal advice - I think it sounds as if you need it.

In the divorce process all assets have to be declared so you need to know the value of his pensions etc. Actually are you married?

You can normally have a free consultation with a solicitor to discuss the basics and find out where you stand. That would be a good starting point - you can do this with varied ones until you find one you feel suits your needs.

Hope it all goes smoothly for you.

Sorry... just saw you are married. My advice would be to get the legal advice ASAP. My ex dragged his heels for 3 years intentionally with the divorce - it had an enormous financial benefit for him to do this as my home increased quite a lot in value.

To NameWithChange

My ex dragged it out too as she was moving in house for free and hoping that both house would increase in value and I would land a job that paid similar to what I had earned earlier in the marriage. Neither happened and judge saw through it and I was awarded my legal costs.

If having a partner means you're living with someone that may mean (but not always) you would get at best nominal spouse maintenance. However ask your solicitor about this.

HI all- thanks or the comments- just to Clarify yes we were married- it’s been 18 months since we separated already- my ex is threatening to drag it out another 2 years. I have a partner but perhaps I should have said boyfriend- we don’t like Live together.
I will see a solicitor but I was just hoping for some ‘I got this’ comments- ‘ask for this’ Type things- I’m just feeling bullied by this all!!!

@Tamatave2000 good to hear some justice!!

My Ex got away with a lot. It was my house! I put it in both names when I married him (yes I was silly and too trusting) He put nothing into it financially at all - he had no assets at all - not even a car. Marriage over in 4 years best - he dragged it all out for another 3 years and I had no address for him to start divorce. His barrister actually stated it was a medium to long term marriage!! He inherited a pile of money that he kept quiet about - and spend it after he left me and before Court - all I can hope for is one day he will get what's coming his way!!

For what it is worth, putting the house in joint names when you married made no difference at all. On divorce it would still have been regarded as an asset of the marriage to be split between you even if it was still in your name only.

I know.

Absolutely ridiculous when I had owned properties for 20+ years. Clearly put all capital in from my hard working years and he had put nothing. So wrong that he was arguing for 50 % of the equity immediately forcing me and the children out of our home.

The courts can look at pre nups which will show what each was intended with regards to each other’s wealth in the event of divorce. They are not binding but would probably indicate an accurate position adopted by the parties involved after just a few years down the line. It’s different after 25 years and 4 children! Better to have one than not I think.

To NameWithChange

What I could never work out was how ex did not realise that the more that was spent on Legal they less there would be at end for anyone? I would have rather seen the money go to ex and child as total cost to myself was same regardless of which direction the money went.

Ex blamed their solicitors and jumped from one to another. I don't believe four consecutive solicitors would give bad advice. More likely ex ignored them as not hearing what they wanted to hear.

To OP

The only thing that is standard in divorce is Child Maintenance as it is based on % of paying parent's income. There are calculators on the internet you can use.

How assets are split will differ in each case as no two cases are alike. Likewise there is no formula for Spousal Maintenance. Look up "Judge Mostyn on Maintenance" in google as he has been involved in several prominent cases, but remember no two cases are alike

Have you filled in your financial form E?

To MyBoysAndI

Ah yes the Form E. I filled mine as per the deadline. Ex waited until they had seen mine before they filed their Form E. When I eventually received a copy their answers were almost identical to mine!

@Tamatave2000 sorry to hear that your ex was just hell bent on grabbing as much money as possible and to hell with the emotional welfare of all concerned.

There is definitely failings in the Court system, I appreciate it can't be perfect all the time but the amount of messing about with Form E's and not filling out required paperwork etc is just ridiculous. My ex never returned anything in time. At the last Court date he simply didn't provide the bank statements he was required to at all. He completely lied about his self-employed income (he can deal with HMRC about that one) and did everything he could over 3 years to financially ruin me and try to force me to sell the house therefore gaining himself a lump sum. He didn't succeed, mainly thanks to my family but he easily cost all of us £30k in the process, completely unnecessarily and only of detriment to me and the children. He didn't care because he had a large inheritance in the bank none of us knew about to spend happily.

A person I know has now attended Court 3 times in the process, paying £2k each time for his barrister to represent him - his ex-wife has each time been on foreign holidays with her new partner (and taken his children) and not attended Court. All money down the drain and all just intentionally vindictive. It just disgusts me that parents can behave in this manner towards the mother/father of their children.

Ex waited until they had seen mine before they filed their Form E. When I eventually received a copy their answers were almost identical to mine!

What!!! That's ridiculous. I'd blame your solicitor for releasing your for form.

Has your solicitor questioned the contents?

To: MyBoysAndI

Form E was meant to be exchanged at same time, but ex self represented after first court hearing as cost order issued against them. In general ex messed about in hope I would give up. They even hid the marriage certificate to delay the process. Took almost 2 years to complete the divorce and ex went through 4 different solicitors. About £35K went down the drain.

To: NameWithChange

By time the final hearing came around my Form E was a year old and circumstances had changed significantly, but ex’s barrister tried to hold me to the contents. Judge thankfully saw through it and stopped it as they noticed that ex’a Form E filed 4 months later was almost identical.

A total of 7 hearings were held as ex jumped from one solicitor to another. 3 coat orders were awarded in my favour, but ex ignored and changed solicitors every time a cost order was issued.

2 years and £35K down the drain. Now I am forced to go through the courts again over contract with child

@Tamatave2000

The system is an absolute disgrace that can definitely be used against you to cause distress.

I have done the children's Court too and that wasn't pleasant.

Sadly, if someone is prepared to stand up and lie under oath in Court there isn't a lot anyone can do about it. I was in shock for quite a while that my EX was actually lying in Court (naive I know). The only thing I clung onto is that 'the truth always comes out'. Doesn't help during the process while you watch the damage being done to your children, but they do learn for themselves through their own experiences with their mother or father just what kind of person they are.

I've leaned that instead of parenting children with another loving parent who puts their needs first my main role is damage limitation and picking up the pieces. It is crap but thank the Lord we don't have to live with him anymore!

The very best of luck to you with it all

To NameWithChange

Can you share your experience with the Children's court? Did that drag on too? If you prefer not to that's understandable.

Hi @Tamatave2000 sorry, I meant to reply but forgot!

I don't want to give away too many personal details but I can say that in my experience it is quite possible for someone to lie about the days they are available to have the children, say they have taken a job working from home just to be completely available for the children , lie about the number of bedrooms and beds available, lie about areas available for children to study in, lie about where they will be living, basically make out every possible box and more is ticked and they are completely devoted and child focussed. In reality send someone else to pick the kids up from school, often be too busy at work or out of the country on access days, put children to sleep on piles of cushions on the floor of their bedroom or actually in a bed with them, or on the floor in a room while they share a bed alongside them with new girlfriend. Etc etc. You get the idea.

I can't blame the Court, as of course they can only go on what is declared to them under oath, I just wasn't prepared for it and it came as an almighty shock to me anyone would lie under oath and have such real disregard for their own children's welfare.

@Kyliesized sorry to derail your thread. I hope you have got some legal advice and an idea of how to move things forward now?