Cocaine abuse and children

[cokeheadEX]

Hi all, I currently have a thread running in relationships about this issue but the long and short of it is that I have just discovered that my exP is using cocaine very frequently (approximately twice a week, he claims fortnightly but his friends have approached me with concern). He is furious that I know and says he keeps it separate to his time with the kids so it is none of our business. But of course they (and I) have been suffering the affects of his comedowns for some time now...

I don't wish to screw him over regarding his kids but I need to do something to protect them and I don't know what exactly. I can't force him to get clean but my kids deserve more than this.

For reference, I am the primary parent, the kids live with me and he visits them roughly 4 times a week at mine. I'm not happy about this but he has no permanent base and refuses to have the kids over at his parents as ironically, his dad is an alcoholic! Oh the hypocrisy!

He won't talk to me sensibly without screaming, shouting and deflecting blame at me for all my flaws (at least I'm sober around the kids mate)! So as much as I don't want to, i may have to take this legal.

What, if anything, would happen if I filed to a judge about potentially getting full custody with supervised visitation with a view to restoring more visitation once he is clean? Would he have to submit to drug tests? Or would it just be let go? I don't know what to do so would appreciate the legal advice...

It isn't called custody. You would be looking for a child arrangements order saying that your children live with you and setting out contact. The children already live with you and there does not appear to be any dispute about that so you don't need an order saying that.

If there is no court order in place you can do whatever you like about contact currently. So you could cut back on his contact and make him take action if he wants more.

In general the courts take the view that drugs and children don't mix, particularly when dealing with class A drugs such as cocaine. If he denies taking drugs you can ask the court to order a test. If they do you may have to pay at least some of the cost of the test.

If he admits to using drugs or a test comes up positive the court would consider the effect of this on his ability to care for the children. The outcome depends on the evidence. One possibility is that the court would order that contact takes place at a contact centre to give him a chance to stop his drug usage. Other outcomes are possible.

Are you present when he sees the children at your house? Or do you leave them alone with him? If you are present, why do they need protecting?

Hiya - thank you so much for the brilliant advice, I really appreciate it...👍🏻

There's no court order, never has been. But I think if I were to block contact all of a sudden he would definitely drag it to court if he can and do all the right things (or just enough) to convince everyone. Charming bugger. He does love his kids but more than anything, this would be more about never ever letting me win again since I left him. He can't bare to be the one not calling the shots.

I am usually present when he is visiting, but I stay out overnight roughly once a fortnight to see my boyfriend and I obviously have left them in his care whilst I worked or went shopping or what have you. Obviously this was before I knew he was bang on it. He will compromise my job having done this and also devastate the DC (one of whom is ASD). I'm so upset with him. I'd have more sympathy if he was taking it on the chin and accepting fault but he's currently being utterly vile so I have to be pragmatic here.

I think will gather more info and give him the rest of the week to calm down and talk to me more openly/sensibly. If he still can't manage that then I'll suspend his contact with the DC (much as it breaks my heart) and look into my legal options. And maybe ring the bloody CSA, seeing as he has enough money for gear but not enough to give his kids for the last 3-4 months!!! What. A. Shit.

Thanks once again.

So from your username you're well aquatinted with coke? Would you have endangered your dc? If not why would u think your ex would have done so?
We're all capable of living two lives - one when we don't have dc and one when we do
If he's ok like you when he does what is your problem? Do u never get drunk? And your username? U gave it all up yeah ?

Oh wait sorry I see username is abt the ex
Well I think if you never knew when together you can assume he's ok tbh
R u perfect ? Do u stay totally sober when u have the kids ?

If he visits them at your place I assume you are there when he arrives and can see whether it not he is under the influence? If he is then you can ask him to leave?

I've no legal advice but clearly he loves drugs more than his kids. That is what he is showing. Is he intelligent enough to understand this?

and don't give me the 'victimless crime' nonsense. He is supporting all sorts of evil by stuffing the saddo powder up his nose. Don't let him take you and the kids down with him.

I hope he sees sense.

Yikes! I see that this has been started up again out of nowhere!

Okay, first of all; no I am NOT well acquainted with cocaine or any other drug come to that (bar the odd spliff in my teens). And I can honestly stand here and say that in the nearly 16 years I've been parenting, my children have NEVER seen me drunk. Not even once. I hardly ever drink, never at home and I stay out for the night if I think there's a chance I might get Merry. Last time I was drunk was on a child free weekend in October of last year and I haven't touched any alcohol since the one shandy I had on NYE. Maybe all this makes me a square, but I grew up with an alcoholic father and used to work in an off-licence, so adding my exP's troubles to the list, I've seen some sad shit and I take a pretty dim view of the whole thing. I won't judge others for what they get up to on their own time but it's just not for me.

I've also (up until fairly recently) not seen exP whilst actively drunk or using, just the after effects (comedowns/hangovers) which is almost as bad really. He doesn't make for good/steady company for the kids.

And finally I don't recall where I ever said it was a victimless crime? Certainly doesn't feel that way at the moment.

Things have sadly escalated in my case and I've had another thread or two on related issues to this ex. His contact is currently being supervised by me and he has been given a limited amount of time to sort his life out and get completely clean or I will look at more official ways of supervision. It's no fun for me, being the only "grown up" as I have no quality of life at all. But the kids come first, ALWAYS and I can only hope their dad comes around to that way of thinking.

Sorry - that wasn't aimed at you, but at those who compare coke to alcohol. Illegal drugs create crime.

I hope he sees sense before rock bottom. The best to you. To him - what he deserves. His choice.