Desperate for advice. Contact where ex is domestically violent.

[Bumblebeebright]

Have NC
I will be intentionally vague sorry as not to out myself.

My dc have very sparodic contact with their father.
While together there was emotional abuse and damage to the house and much gas lighting. He did once slap one of the dc across the face as a small child and that's when I left. He raised his hand to but never hit me.

He has had contact since with them but always supervised with me or one of my family in a busy place.

I was aware there were more emotional abuse issues with his partner after me as I saw some of it commented on social media.

I have since found out he is being physically violent to his new partner and have evidence of this.

Can anyone advise as to what the hell happens now? I'm wasn't happy before about the contact but felt the easier option to prevent him going to court and manipulating them into contact at his was to arrange contact and go with them. Now I am aware he is being physically violent I am even less happy.

Please help.

In situations like this you really need evidence.

Keep the evidence from Facebook or whatever to show that you have a good reason not to allow your children around this relationship.

Continue to offer your ex supervised contact.

If he ever lays a finger on the children again contact police

Thanks.
I don't have evidence of what he did to me apart from what I told family at the time verbally.

I do have evidence of the verbal abuse his ex faced.
I do have evidence that he has assaulted his new partner physically.

He has made up lies to paint me into an horrendous monster to explain his behaviour towards me.

Both children are reaching an age where they only have two or three years before contact is not relevant.

Neither have ever been interested in seeing him but given I was aware he would probably get unsupervised if he went to court then I thought the way we did it was easier.

Does his new partner have children?

Not that I know of MrsBert and no signs on social media that she does.

How old are your children?

Both teenagers now HelloBrass. Like I said it would be an issue in a few years.
Neither really interested in him as contact is so sparodic anyway.
They would rather see their mates and go out rather than traipse to see a man they barely remember who ignores them most of the year.
But scared of what he will do if they say no.

I don’t see why you don’t go to court. Your children are teens and their views will be taken into account due to their age. If you feel it is not safe to do supervised contact, then see a solicitor and see what options might be available. You should not assume a court will not be sympathetic.

As an assessment of risk, it sounds supervised contact in a busy public place is "protective" so I don't think you are doing anything to put the children at an obvious risk of harm.

It's a very difficult balancing act - the children's right to maintain a relationship with their father vs making the arrangements safe an appropriate.

As teenagers they are likely to make up their own minds. I appreciate another of your concerns may be the example he may be setting - i.e. that abusive behaviour is acceptable. Again, there may be a limit to the behaviours dad has the chance to demonstrate during supervised contact which may minimize the risk. Also, they have the good example you are setting them of life and relationships.

Also, the children arguably have the right to know their dad as he is so they can form their own judgements as they get older. "Vilifying" a parent can be counter productive, as well as "sugar coating" in other situations if you see what I mean.

If contact is sporadic and carefully managed, it might be a matter of keeping a careful eye on how the kids are, and let them lead it as they get older. If they feel dad isn't making an effort, they may lose interest themselves.

Contact rightsofwomen.org.uk/ . They have a useful helpline and can advise further. I think HelloBrass makes some good points!

Thank you Brass that is most helpful. I have never told them of the bad things their Dad has don't. They remembered him damaging the house and told school (I didn't even realise they had seen) and they have seen him being nasty to his old partner on social media. But I have always left it to them to make their own decision (meanwhile he has been lying about me to everyone but bigger person and all that!)

In the latest case they were told by someone who knows the new partner what he had done to her. This has now been confirmed.

Antonia thank you. I can never get through to them but will keep trying.

At 12 my ds went nc with his df. Old enough to make his own choices. At teens a court would not try and enforce contact.

Bubbles given the kids ages I would probably risk the court system now if he took us.

When they were little I didn't want to take the risk after seeing what friends went through.

Myddog and there was no fuss from this from the father and courts?

He even signed the form for him to change school. In theory I defied a court order, he didn't nothing. Ds hasn't seen him for over a year.

From what I see, courts are fair over children seeing a parent. They take behaviour of patents into account and the wishes of the children. If you are concerned about his behaviour, you could be proactive about regulating visits. You don’t have to dance to his tune.