Mediation & court

[JoJo2106]

Hi,

Just recently done a referral for family mediation regarding my ex wanting more contact with our son. Just wondering if anyone knows the timescale for mediation like how long after a referral do you get an appointment and roughly how long does mediation take in total can it be months?

Also likewise if it goes to court can that be months aswell? Just kinda wondering how long I am going to be ill and stressed out for because not sure how much more I can stand and it's not even began yet

Can you just not agree to it?

He already has contact he has both days on the weekend 4 hours each day. Ex can't do midweek at all because of work. Ds isn't even 5 months old yet and we split up when he was 2 weeks old (my choice) because I was sick to death of his drinking and he has also smoked weed for 25 years since he was 18. We also argued all the time. He was sitting up looking after ds only days old drinking all night I had had enough. I hadn't been happy for a long long time but our son been born give me the fit a to finally end it. Didbt want him around that.

Anyway my ex has seen a solicitor and has told me his solicitor reckons he can have overnight stays now if he wanted, a week in the summer, and alternate Christmases. Bearing in mind ds is not even 5 months old. We also have never lived together and ex has never even bathed ds in his life he struggles when the correct time to even change a nappy on time so no I won't be agreeing to his demands. I will work at our sons pace not his. It's all about what he wants and is entitled to he's not thinking about that ds is heavily reliant on me as his mother. Well am hoping if it does get to court a judge would agree with me in that he already gets fair contact for a 5 month old (it's not my problem he can't do midweek) and anything else like overnight stays etc would be buiit up over a long period of time at ds's pace not his!!

He would also have to do drug and alcohol tests as I woukdbt be happy ds going otherwise. He has stopped smoking weed now but has only done that because of talk of court. He has done it 25 year bit convenient to stop just when there's talk of court and mediation.

Just wondering how long it's all going to drag on cos he is making me ill. He is just a bitter man cos I ended the relationship. There is no need in all this he already has contact and everything else would come in time.

If he's as hopeless as you make put then you may well find he doesn't want such lomg contact times after all levels if you agree them or it might force him to step up the plate and be a good dad. At 5 months a baby can be cared for away from its mother some could be doing 5 12 hour days at nursery a week. If you're getting anxious you need to look after yourself and not let it become a battle.

Yes but I couldn't just hand ds over to him just for him to wing it and hope he works out what to do. He wouldnt have a clue what to do with him. He relies on me yo twll him when to change a nappy. He's never handled a baby in his life and we split when ds was 2 weeks old so he's clueless. He can give him a bottle but that's about it. I don't trust the man with him tbh. When ds was only days old he sat up drinking while looking after him then drove a car with ds on it to stop him crying (bearing in mind he had been drinking) he has always had a problem with drink and I'm supposed to trust him overnight with our child knowing he drinks in charge of him.?

Ds is with me 24/7 & is clingy to me so he would not settle away from me at the moment. My ex is just been bitter and very impatient and wants every thing now. If he was any kind of decent man thinking of his child he wouldn't force the situation and let it all happen gradually and naturally at ds's pace not his. It's disgusting imo considering how young ds is and has only ever known me, and the fact he hasn't a clue what to do with him. Not to mention the drink an drugs situation. Surely a judge woukd agree overnight contact shoukd be built up gradually over time not just force ds into waking up in a strange house wondering why I'm not there?

Tbh I don't think am been unreasonable cos he has him both days on a weekend cos he cabt do midweek I don't have to let him have the full weekend. I thought contact with a baby so young is usually little and often not pushed Into them been away from their main care giver for a week when they're under 1?

So for the 4 hours on a weekend are you around or does he take him to his house?

He takes him.

He takes him but never spends any proper tine in his own house with him he takes him round differebt houses. Probably do he would have help if needed. He will never learn to care for him if he can't spend any time at home eith him

With small babies, often the arrangements for time with NRP is "little and often". Small periods of time but frequently, building up over time at the child's rate of development. It's not likely to jump to o/n anytime soon - I agree you're right about that.

The arrangements need to be focused on your son, and based on his age and needs, and it seems dad has unrealistic expectations.

You don't have to agree to anything you don't think is in your son's best interests. Certainly try mediation, but it seems unlikely your ex engage properly - it seems he just wants his own way.

Be firm, but have reasoned and reasonable answers for why you think the arrangements should stay, or how you think they should build over time.

Your ex would have to fund a court application, and if he continues to instruct his sols then that will be an expensive exercise. Several thousands of pounds. It's likely there would be several hearings, particularly to look into your concerns around drink/drugs so again this might put him off.

Having said all this, it might be best to have it go through Court because at least your concerns would be looked into and your ex's expectations may be managed better.

Good luck.

You have hit the nail on the head @HelloBrass he has VERY unrealistic expectations!! I could honestly understand the threats of mediation an court if i was stopping him seeing ds but I am Not, he already has contact. He wants all his own way as you say. All this is supposed to have came from his solicitor aswell btw which is utter BS. How the hell can a solicitor tell him he can have ds now overnight without knowing any facts at all or had my side of the story.

The thing with my ex is he is a know it all and has a big need to be right and it's infuriating! So no he may well not engage well in mediation. If he wants to go to court he can pay for it, I have seen a solicitor once and can't really afford to go again as I am just on my own with baby and can't afford it. The only thing I worry about with court is How I'll cope representing myself if he has a solicitor. Also scares me thar he just might get all he's asking for too as I have heard from many people they are all on the mans side these days.

All I want is for this to be done over a longer period of time and do it all gradual. He barely knows what to do now so for him to say about a week in the summer is ridiculous. He isn't thinking of our son at all or his needs he is only concerned about his own wants. Well I have heard that a judge couldn't care less about the parents wants it's what is best for the child.

Top and bottom of it is he is a very bitter man cos I ended the relationship. He is living in some fairy tale surely if he thinks it can just all be done on his say so and when he wants?

I would not be afraid of a court. They don’t like drug taking and you may well get a result favourable to you.

I think it's more the fact I would be representing myself and he would most likely have a solicitor so he has that back up that I won't have that scares me the most