Lost custody, advice prior to final hearing gratefully received

[Glowbug59]

Hi, I’m hoping someone has some experience or advice. A family member (Jane, a nurse) has lost custody of her DSs (4&6) to her husband. Background is: mental abuse from husband, MH issues leading Jane to go missing and several suicide attempts. Recent MH assessments have shown this all stemmed from the abuse in the home.

Husband, who was still in family home, picked up the boys from school in September and had them since, after going to the family court with a c100 without notice.

Two court hearings so far and custody has remained with husband. Magistrates seeming uninterested. The husband is hugely manipulative and seems to have social services very much onside. His aim seems to be to ruin Jane rather than any particular care for the boys. The boys views and wishes not being heard. Solicitors always stunned by events and Jane now only has paid visits to contact centres once a week for 2hours (£40 an hour)

Following the split they had a physical row and Jane has been found guilty of assaulting him, so appeal pending, possibly end of her nursing career. Final hearing for the children is on 17th January.

From reading other posts on here, it seems you have to very much fight your own corner with SS off side and busy solicitors. Jane is trying to settle out of court with a proposal sent to her husband via the solicitors in hope to move contact on with her children as she is increasingly worried about their welfare. We are pretty confident he will be awarded full custody looking at the two previous court hearings. Does anyone have any advice to what she should do with regard improving her position for the final hearing?

Thanks for reading.

Sorry banana, i didn’t see your post, hope you’re ok.

Thanks shriek. I believe the police were talking to her husband today. I think they’ve been speaking to close family.

I also believe he’ll be at the funeral next week.

Is this what he wanted? Who would want that. I remember thing my ex really didn’t care enough about me to fight for anything, whereas her husband really went to great efforts to bring her down. Like he didn’t want the children because he was a lovely dad, it was more about power. But absolutely, there by the Grace of God.

In these situations I truly believe Karma will prevail. My thoughts are with the children

so bloody bloody sad and there for the grace of God - this could so easily have been me - I had the goading from ex that led to me “punching” him and the solicitors letter accusing me of abusive and unacceptable behaviour - I have suffered with MH issues for most of my adult life and the duration of 20 year marriage which I did not realise was abusive until it ended. I believe my X has been out to destroy me and have had a few times where I was very very low. My kids are still subject to emotional and financial manipulation despite being 17. The professionals need to wake up and realise that this is all the result of abuse - poor poor kids!

her husband is going to the funeral???? No way...WTAF?!! Have I got that right. How dare he, how fucking dare he show his face at the one final place she should be at rest, finally

I was incredulous too but that seems to have changed. He said he wouldn’t attend as he though he wouldn’t be welcome (correct). He wants to send flowers from him and the kids, but her mum was wanting to say no, just flowers from the boys. That’s the last I heard.

The police did their visit to him and they said to Jane’s mum they understood why they wouldn’t want him at the funeral. Wonder how he was. It was odd as the professionals seemed to be on his side through the custody stuff. Let his guard down now maybe.

Surely they must think him strange indeed and therefore perhaps instrumental.

I have just seen your update Saymaname and I am sorry for your family's loss. I dont know if anyone has advice for her parents about how they can stay in touch with her children, their grandchildren. That was always my big fear that my ex would do his damndest to keep our children away from my family if anything happened to me. I do wonder if applying to court for a contact order would be sensible.

I echo some of PP's comments that the family courts seem to be oblivious to the mental harm that an abuser can do. It really is not and should not be only about the children. For the PP who stated that feminists dont seem interested - actually many of us are interested in changing family court perceptions and rulings. But when organisations such as CAFCASS seem to only want to consult with fathers rights organisations it makes it very difficult to find out what is going on. For example I was not aware of the sneaky change that came in in 2012 that changed child maintenance when 50:40 arrangement were made. No wonder men are now insisting at all costs for 50:50.

This is chilling to read. My heart goes out to you, @Saymaname, and your family.

Why do the “professionals” not see that the mental anguish caused by the manipulative ex is responsible for the behaviour of the poor tormented other parent?!

That’s interesting, I hadn’t thought before all this about the impact of the abuser in such a case.

I had a RL friend on the weekend tell me she was selfish (with the suicide). I said really really wasn’t.

I think the grandparents are still useful so they’ll continue to see the children. He’s happy to offload them, get them picked up from school. I’ve been told he’s told them mummy was poorly, had a cold dickhead.

We had the funeral yesterday, no ex no drama, lots of people. They had something on the service saying not to judge a life by its last hour.

She's not in a fit state to care for the children. Hopefully when she's on the mend her hours with her dc will increase.

@Snowatdawn you really need to RTFT....

So sorry op just read whole thread. She will be looking down on her boys

hugs all round. What a difficult day. I am relieved for all that it has been managed, and without him!!!
Yes, when situation allows, apply to court.
There have been some moves made to prevent abusers cross-examining their victims...and protections for the victims.
It's nowhere near enough, but was quite a leap forward.