PR and contact- please help!

[peachy2410]

ExP refuses to have contact with DD alone (he's looked after her on 2 occasions for 2hrs in her life - DD was distraught and him angry). He only wants to see her if I'm there (she's 2).
Since we split a year ago, I originally agreed to see him once a week with her. Invariably he was late or needed to leave early or didn't happen. However was more than willing to try and get me to sleep with him virtually every time.
He has a volatile personality, not physically abusive (bar one incident where he threw water over me and DD in bed- which is when I ended things). He's very manipulative and loses his rag verbally when he feels things are out of his control.
Back to my Q- every few weeks I get messages from him asking to see DD (he's not seen her since he stormed out in Oct- swearing, shouting and slamming doors) He has refused a contact centre. Is it my responsibility to meet with him for him to see DD? I'm suffering from anxiety and meeting with him makes things worse for me and im constantly waiting on edge for him to contact me again to see DD and putting the pressure on me again. I don't trust his family to supervise due to previous behaviour- acceptable to put smokers fingers in a baby's mouth, allow dogs to lick a baby's face in a car seat and my parents won't mediate due to his previous behaviour.

Any idea where I stand legally? He does have PR.

Thanks in advance- it's driving me insane and I can't get to a solicitors until they open again!

If there are no court orders in place regarding contact you don't have to do anything. You certainly don't have to be present when he has contact with your daughter. If contact must be supervised you need to agree a mutually acceptable solution but you don't have to supervise yourself.

Thank you for the reply. No court orders. I've been wondering if I'd be better going to court rather than permanently living on a knife edge waiting for him to get in touch. I'd like to take DD on holiday at the end of the month but am terrified of asking as it'll just rake up an argument most probably just a load of messages slagging me off/ more sleep nights.
The whole situation is taking over my life.
I offer contact, he refuses over and over. I'm just spending my life waiting for when he says ok and then I'll have to sort that. It's awful

I could've written your post a few years ago OP.
Narc ex who thought we should all bow down to his demands. Contact, when he had it alone meant streams of texts and phone calls to me about where I was, what I was doing. Any non compliance was met with threats about not seeing my child again etc etc.

I went to Women's aid who found me a solicitor and went to court the next day. Non mol, residency order and prohibited steps order were all granted ex parte.

It's the best thing I've done in re-gaining control. I was very clear in my statements that I wasn't withholding contact, that I just wanted a routine and peace from his constant abuse. CAFCASS and the judge were absolutely fine to deal with too.

Don't spend anymore time dancing to his tune OP

@Isitwise that's sounds very positive! Does your Ex have contact now? I'll be honest even though I do offer contact I hate the idea of his manipulative, unpredictable behaviour impacting on DD. I know I have no right to withhold contact hence me offering but o do worry his behaviour will cause problems for her. Last Feb he had her for 2hrs alone and it took 3 weeks before I could leave the room again - even without him being there! (It's not separation anxiety per se as she goes to nursery 4 days a week/my parents etc)

Rally appreciate the response xx

To be fair I should add he pays maintenance for which I am grateful, just doesn't see her. So it could be construed as he has an interest in her but ont if I'm there.

He does, and we speak when we need to. Mostly civilly but I've got the strength to stonewall now if he starts.

He should see ds every weekend but mostly doesn't, overnights are very rare. Maybe 4 this year. Now he has no games to play it's settled into sporadic contact, which although not ideal it does protect ds from his narc ways.

He'd say he was dad of the year, that work stops him having more frequent contact but this is the bullshit that he makes himself believe. All part of his mindset and something that I don't argue about. As long as ds and I are ok then he is free to convince himself of whatever he likes!

Going to court definitely showed him I won't be messed with, as my solicitor said at the time "it's time to make him realise this is not the (insert ex's name) show anymore". And it did!

I know how exhausting it can be, my advice is just don't engage

Omg! Our Ex's sound exactly the same. I think if I tied him down to contact that is the way it would go. He actually called himself
Dad of the Year to- when he got her to sleep I.e she cried herself to sleep from exhaustion on one of the two times his had her alone since birth. He was so proud of himself!

Sounds like you've been through exactly what I'm going through. I need a think but this might well be the way to go. Thank so much for replying @Isitwise xx

No probs, good luck! Feel free to pm me in future if u need to

Think you- really appreciate that and might take well take you up on it xx