Want to help support a friend thru her divorce

[keeponworking]

Hiya

One of the ladies I work with (she's a lovely lovely girl) is just setting off on the hell that is divorce.

Hubby effed off to work overseas when she was 4 months pregnant (hey, they'd only been trying for 11 years, so meh, so what right) and has only seen his son twice - he's now 2 and a 1/2....

These are some of the pertinent facts:

• She is the only one with her names on the deeds
• She has always paid the whole of the mortgage herself (he only ever paid council tax, a few bills)
• He's never paid a single jot of maintenance
• He wants 'half the house'
• She's really worried about the financial side (I don't know what her equity in the house is yet)
• She terrified about (but wants to do) mediation because he wasn't always very nice to her physically or verbally and she's quite afraid of him. She is like I was at one point, on an immediate response list with the police due to one time when she had to call them as he was being rather a twat outside her house. She's also panicking about the mediation because she's very very anxious about his controlling and nasty ways - she literally doesn't want to be in the same room as him.

Realistically, he can't get half her house can he? She's probably on about £40k a year, he's on about £60k (tax free because of where he now lives and works) but she was, when they were together, always the higher earner.

What do you think might be the 'typical' way things would be divided up? Could she get spousal maintenance (and might it be more likely since he's not paid any maintenance)?

It's been over 9 years since my divorce and I want to support her - she's a real sweetheart and she's really scared. She's also scared about if he forces contact with the son but that's a way in the future yet and at the moment he's living overseas and of course has never spent any meaningful time with the child, I would like to be able to give her some idea about what she should be asking her solicitor, to make sure the solicitor fights for the right result and she gets the settlement she deserves.

Thank you.

Anyone? I really want to help her tomorrow, it's the last day before we break up for Christmas.

Would she like you to go to the solicitor with her? It can be a massive help to have a second brain and ears, both for client and solicitor.

Why is she so keen on mediation. It sounds completely inappropriate.

I'd certainly be happy to go with her if she wanted.

I'm not sure why she's so keen. She's had decree nisi she says and reports that it's just the financials now left to sort out, and the house really. It's literally the first time I've talked to her about it other than the basics of 'I'm getting divorced he's a shit' but it soon became clear that he was far more of a nasty bastard than I first thought (beyond being a total wanker who walks out on a pregnant woman and virtually never sees the child). I'm guessing to say she probably feels it's good to try mediation (and he's agreed - but then he possibly might do, if he's a controlling git). He might see it as another chance to bully her. I could clearly pick up that she REALLY does not want to be in a room with him but she'd feel more comfortable to do it by videophone. I suggested she maybe talk to the mediation people, explain he's controlling and has been abusive before and is it possible to do non face to face sessions.

I've since found some info written by a mediator about making sure that the mediator is experienced with abusive people and it had some really good points that someone experienced with this specific mediation would tend to insist on, to protect the person who had been abused, so I'll share that with her and if she does go to ask about remote mediation, she could ask if they have a particular mediator who has this kind of experience otherwise it could be rather a negative experience.

Partly if it cuts down on her solicitor costs then from that point of view it will be a good thing. Mine cost £10k (XH wouldn't do mediation).

I've also copied info on non molestation orders etc, in case she feels she wants to protect herself and I'll share those with her tomorrow. I really feel for her.

Anyone who had similar house / spousal abandonment able to tell me what settlement they got, what kind of format/structure/split that kind of thing? I'm not sure how good her solicitor is as she doesn't seem to have a picture at all of what her solicitor will be going for. Thank you.

It is really not helpful to ask what someone else got, because cases are highly fact specific, and judges have very wide discretion, so that 2 ostensibly similar cases can have very different outcomes.

The solicitor can't advise too clearly on outcome without his financial disclosure, in any case. If the solicitor at that point seems unclear, suggest she gets an opinion from a barrister about outcome.

She should ask about shuttle mediation, where they are in different rooms. More time consuming and expensive, but less inappropriate. She absolutely needs to tell the mediator what he is like.

And consider how much more you should post about someone's personal stuff on here.

MrsBert - thank you. Yes, I'm fully aware that no two situations are ever exactly the same but I do believe I've set out the pertinent details that are relevant to this case which naturally narrows down the possible ways it would be handled and therefore would serve as a general guide as to what she might reasonably expect. I don't intend to post any 'more' detail and you must surely know that I've changed the details, there's nothing identifying and my only wish is to help someone who is clearly suffering more than I had thought she was in the recent conversations I've had with her and I am concerned for her.

We're just moving this over to legal matters at the OP's request.

Agree with MrsBert the only way she can get proper advice is if she sees a solicitor specialising in this area. The solicitor needs full details of both parties' income and assets before being able to give an idea of a likely settlement.

If you want to know what principles the court takes into account when dividing assets, they are as follows:

*It shall be the duty of the court in deciding whether to exercise its powers to have regard to all the circumstances of the case, first consideration being given to the welfare while a minor of any child of the family who has not attained the age of eighteen.

*the court shall in particular have regard to the following matters—

(a)the income, earning capacity, property and other financial resources which each of the parties to the marriage has or is likely to have in the foreseeable future, including in the case of earning capacity any increase in that capacity which it would in the opinion of the court be reasonable to expect a party to the marriage to take steps to acquire;

(b)the financial needs, obligations and responsibilities which each of the parties to the marriage has or is likely to have in the foreseeable future;

(c)the standard of living enjoyed by the family before the breakdown of the marriage;

(d)the age of each party to the marriage and the duration of the marriage;

(e)any physical or mental disability of either of the parties to the marriage;

(f)the contributions which each of the parties has made or is likely in the foreseeable future to make to the welfare of the family, including any contribution by looking after the home or caring for the family;

(g)the conduct of each of the parties, if that conduct is such that it would in the opinion of the court be inequitable to disregard it;

(h) in the case of proceedings for divorce or nullity of marriage, the value to each of the parties to the marriage of any benefit which, by reason of the dissolution or annulment of the marriage, that party will lose the chance of acquiring.

The case law confirms that the court's overarching goal is 'fairness'. Fairness does not always mean 50/50 division, but generally if it is a different proportion than 50/50, this should be able to be justified using the factors above. Example: giving more than 50% to one of the parties, based on financial needs. Or giving less than 50% to one party based on it being a short marriage.

As it wasn r a short marriage the likelihood is that he will be entitled to some percentage of the house probably between 30 to 50 % A sale could be delayed until child is 18. As others have said she will need to take her solicitors advice.

Thank you Wildbluebells - yes, probably it is in fact the principles that I needed to learn about - really appreciated.

She was married to him for 10 years RedHelen.

Yes so not a short marriage

Apologies RedHelen, I clairifed 10 years because I wasn't quite sure of my understanding of what you wrote in your post:

As it wasn r a short marriage and I wanted to be sure I'd read it right.

That s ok. I just wanted to be clear too. I hope your friend managed to sort things out .

My situation was sort of similar. I own the house. He hasn't contributed financially for a long time. I am just pressing ahead with the absolute. This is not legal advice and is probably bollocks but does she actually want maintenance or contact or anything? If not, why not just apply for the absolute?

Her concern is with being turfed out of her house - I'm a bit confused tbh, she seems to have had decree nisi but the financials aren't agreed yet?

She's also paid for the house throughout, only one on the mortgage, only one on the deeds (although I know that doesn't mean a great deal) and she needs housing security and is concerned he will go for a 50/50 split which in light of her having also been abandoned part pregnancy and him never having paid maintenance, she would probably struggle to buy him out.

I think it unlikely she will get all of the house BUT a solicitor should argue she gets the lion's share and that it remains the family home for as long as possible given she is solely responsible for their child and he resides overseas.

Yes, I hope it goes along those lines for her.