Any advice appreciated , please no judgement I feel bad enough

[Namechangeasbad]

So name changed
Simply because I am ashamed
Long term user at times / lurker . Have seen amazing advice given by amazing people on here ..finally found courage to ask myself so please could you be gentle as coping again just .

It's long
I am sorry
But drip feed won't help
I am grateful for any advice

I have lovely Ds 11
Divorced his dad 7 years ago after long relationship then marriage . Abusive husband who I concede had a difficult upbringing I feel is much responsible . Old news , survived , moved on . X husband high earner and received substantial monthly maintenaince ordered by courts . ( certainly not offered by xdh )

Ds went to his dad 2 weekends a month
Maintenaince covered mortgage and basic living

Ds has asd diagnosis , I couldn't return to former employment as a result of my injury sustained from domestic violence .

I retrained and now work part time, this paid for extra like school trips and Ds therapy .

Ex dh finally found a way to get out of maintenaince payments September 2016
He left his well paid city job to start up own business . He manages private wealth so adverse with legal loopholes . On paper his company running at at a loss although he pays 6 employees . I have struggled to pay a solicitor and forensic accountant . Both have said this is clearly what he has done but difficult to prove . He has only paid a lowly fraction of maintenaince since then .
I had to remortge and rack up credit card debt . Every time we are due to appear in family court he gets away with non appearance or a loophole.

Ex dh met a new partner
Lovely woman
Bit weird for me initially but she was and is such a lovely person and such a great step mum I became fond of her
My sons baby half brother came along and my Ds adores him .lovel baby . You couldn't not want to protect him trust me
The relationship broke down when xdh became abusive towards her
She has since left him, and after a period of staying with us ( a pleasure actually ) she has returned to her home country and her families help .
Ds heartbroken .
Because of Ds witnessing his dad abuse of his "step mum " .. verbal and physical he rebelled at school ,bullied another child and was ultimately suspended .
School were exceptionally supportive as were local education authority son saw cahms for months . Back to his former happy , lovely self but steadfastedly refuses to see his father

I Met now ex partner of 5 years
Devastating breakup for me emotionally , over last Xmas Dec 2016 at same time Ds going through it
Haven't seen his children I was close to since . It's taken me 11 months to start to heal .
Breakup mostly due to his ex wife's actions . She accused me of sexually grooming his children , behaved appallingly towards my son, and made an allegation of benefit fraud against me . Which is still under investigation .i also suffered a late miscarriage . She refused to hand over children before several planned weekends and holidays distressing them. I broke up with xdh as I couldn't cope with his lack of support over above . Attempts I made to wave olive branches at her failed .
In his defence the poor guy was always torn between appeasing her and I . So destructive for all 4 children I felt I had to walk .
It was heartbreaking .

2 months later I was involved in a serious driving accident
I broke my neck and was hospitalised for weeks .
It wasn't great but my amazing family and friends rallied round to care for my Ds
After seeing such tragedy on a spinal unit I left feeling incredibly lucky

June 2017 this year ex partners ex wives allegations caught up with me
Received court summons
Pleaded not guilty at advice of lawyer
Got legal aid due to income
Case adjourned for trial next spring

Ok so here's the shamefulness
And I am ashamed of myself
Deeply

I couldn't cope
I fell apart up to eyeballs in debt
Lent money and supported by amazing friends and family
Felt abandoned by ex partner
Begged for his support and didn't get
Felt like piece of scum in court

Became depressed
Deeply depressed
Couldn't leave house
Felt so ashamed
As far as I can see I filled a form out incorrectly .lawyer concurs
It's 7k
My family offered to repay for me
My mind was elsewhere so much and it was far from intentional
I am extremely sorry
But would never intentionally do this .

Then I am so deeply ashamed to say I begun drinking
Never had a drink problem in my life
Always been very health and conscience , calorie conscience . Former model , then a single mother always aware because of my sons health issues I could need to drive him to a&he in night

I august I was drinking a bottle or 2 a day
Then the unthinkable happened
I drove to the end of my road one evening to buy milk for morning
There's a pub en route
Got pulled over at random
Failed standard breathe test by 3 points ( its 40 I was 43 )
Arrested , put in cell , felt suicidal and alone .

I have stoped drinking Now
Been going to aa
Borrowed 6k from friends to pay solicitior to help me
Trying to take back control my life
Horrified and ashamed I could have hurt somebody having endured this myself .

Need my drivers license
Am self employed
My income is all we have
Have to drive Ds to school

I know I am not a refugee
Not living in a war zone
There are so many people worse off
I am alive and healthy
Have amazing family and friends
And most importantly my son

But I am struggling
Any advice on maintenaince
Benefit case
Drink driving
Life with a criminal record .

So much appreciated
I have been close to suicide at times
Please

Wow sounds like you are going through a lot. Have you asked for help at your local Citizens Advice Bureau? In the mean time I would really recommend speaking to your GP about your low mood. Look after yourself :)

Yes
Thankyou
Have been to gp
Slapped on anti depressants but this doesn't help with the practical

I was receiving counselling but ex took us off medical recently "fearing reprisals " from me
No idea how to get to physio or physciatrist with drive license
Live very remotely and nhs counselling is not readily available in my area it seems .

Could you summarise the important bits? You have a drink driving conviction, are in debt and lost (or not) your benefits? Your DS lives with you?

What advice are you after?

Very unclear what you want advice on.

Drink driving is a mandatory ban of at least 12 months if you can't prove you weren't spiked or responding to an emergency.

'Needing your licence' as a cirumstance leading to leniency in court generally only comes into play if you are what is called a 'totter' i.e about to lose your licence because of tottering/just going over the ban cut off of penalty points incurred by e.g speeding.

Otherwise, everyone convicted of drink driving could say they 'need their licence'. As most people need it for work, taking children to school etc.

This is what I heard in magistrates court when someone attended for drink driving and had inaccurately been told by the arresting Police Officer (!) that as they were a professional person who needed their licence for work, they could say this and probably wouldn't be banned.

This was incorrect.

Can you message me? I have some advice but can’t post it here due to rules

Where approximately, are you based?

Who was at fault for your car accident? You could sue for personal injury to improve your financial situation. Too late to do that over dv injury unfortunately. You may also be able to sue the exwife for defamation if she went around telling people lies.

Citizens Advice should be able to help, certainly about debt and benefits. What is the benefits issue? (only one I might usefully be able to comment on).

You should not be convicted of benefit fraud if you have made an honest mistake. Unfortunately that is not the same as saying you won't be convicted. However, as your lawyer has advised you to plead not guilty they must believe there is a reasonable prospect of a not guilty verdict. I hope that you get the right result.

The limit on a breath test is 35, not 40. You are still in the lowest category for sentencing purposes but you were more than 3 over the limit. It isn't clear if you have been convicted on the drink driving charge yet but under the sentencing guidelines you should be disqualified for 12-16 months. You would only escape disqualification if you can show special reasons such as only driving a very short distance or driving due to an emergency. Hardship is not a factor, I'm afraid.

Maintenance is going to be difficult unless you can prove that he has an income or that his lifestyle is inconsistent with his declared income.

Many people live with a criminal record. Obviously a drink driving conviction may make it hard to get a job that involves driving but there are plenty of other jobs that won't care about your conviction. Even if you get convicted of benefit fraud that will not bar you from employment completely. But if you have to drive for your self employment you may need to find something else to keep you going until you get your license back.

It probably doesn't feel like this right now but you can get through this. I'm sure your friends will help you. Good luck.

Thankyou for this advice everybody
And Thankyou so much for not passing the judgement I feared . I always believed in the criminal justice system in this country and thought " not often smoke without fire" . I realise now how easy it is to make a mistake . Fully against benefit fraud and disgusted by drink drivers having lost a dear childhood friend to one .

I Guess the drink driving is the most pressing problem .
I haven't been convicted yet , my trial is before Christmas
But it is looking bleak .

I have engaged the services of a drink drive specialist solicitor firm
But having parted with 4K already and they now want nearly a thousand pounds more for " reports " I feel screwed over . And I am panicking as I would have to borrow it . Does anybody know anything about these firms ? They say the readings must have been affected by the painkillers I was on and not eating due to stress ( I have become very underweight with all the worry )
I genuinely didn't think 2 glasses over the course of a long evening had set me over the limit . No I have never had speeding fines

Also although I don't live there word has gotten out in my home town after I confided in a family member . I feel let down by them . And terrified my son will hear about it on home visits .

Yes it is a big problem financially for me . I am not qualified for other jobs that would pay nearly the same . My child is dependent on me fully financially .
Despite having proof of my ex husband filtering profits offshore and living a lavish lifestyle I get nowhere with family courts .

I also love my work , it kept me sane when I was at my lowest ebb . I worked hard to build up my business and the irony is I was proud to get myself off benefits .
Public transport is not great where I live , rural . I also need to transport equipment for work .
I would happily pay my dues to society in terms of community service .
I believe I should be punished .but 2 glasses of wine in 5 hours ? Of course I wouldn't do it again .

One of you asked about the injury from the crash . Yes the other party was at fault and witness statements show this . It is pretty cut and dried I think ( they were driving on the wrong side and tyre tracks showed they were speeding ) will get compensation but it's a long process . I don't know for sure how much . I suffer flashbacks and often physical pain . It was excruciating for weeks initially .

Suing my ex dp exw for defamation is too expensive . But more than this would hurt my former stepchildren.
Given he turned his back on me ,blocked me , cancelled Ds and I from medical and benefits in case I " turned bitter " I don't suppose exdp would assist either . He just wanted it all " to go away"

Also I see from my original post I am unclear
Referred to ex dp as exhusband

Divorced exhusband 7 years ago
He is Ds father

Ex dp came along afterwards .in relationship few years .
His former wife waged the hate campaign against me and Ds .

Feel betrayed by both this men though . More so my Ds.

Sorry for confusion as replies and advice so welcome

Despite having proof of my ex husband filtering profits offshore and living a lavish lifestyle I get nowhere with family courts

The family courts can only make a maintenance order in limited situations. You need to go to the Child Maintenance Service.

Thankyou bridge
Tried them .
It would appear the cms have limited powers as he is self employed
He manages " private wealth" thus being able to conceal his own well

Ps he has a maintenaince order
He has broken it for 18 months successfully

I think you are wasting money trying to pay a company to help get you out of a DD conviction.

Hello OP,

We're really sorry to hear you are feeling this way.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources. You can also go to the Samaritans website, or email them on [email protected]. Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.

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