Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Legal matters

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you have any legal concerns we suggest you consult a solicitor.

Flip

Original poster

Contact going badly, anyone had any experience?

20 replies

Jamielee444 · 09/09/2017 08:15

My son is 20 months . He didn't see his dad for 11 months before contact started. Since then he has seen his dad 6 times. We are in the court process and this contact has been ordered to be supervised first at a centre, then by a friend's. My son won't separate from me so I have been attending contact.
The contact has not gone well in that my ex does not make attempts to interact with my son. For the majority of the session he stands at the side and observes.
Does anyone have any experience of contact going like this? If so what did you do?!

OP posts:

Chillyegg · 09/09/2017 08:33

Erm if there's any safeguarding issues. You should not be attending contact and it should be supervised by professionals. If he isn't interacting with you dc and it isn't proving to improve after support then cafcass or whoever may say then that contact can only be in the centre supervised. I doubt unless your ex is to be a serious risk to your dc that you will get on non contact order.

Original poster

Jamielee444 · 09/09/2017 11:35

Thank you for your comment. I really don't know where this can go now. He has refused to have any more sessions at the contact centre as he is not willing to pay. And all other sessions have not been going well.

OP posts:

Chillyegg · 09/09/2017 11:41

What's court ordered?

Original poster

Jamielee444 · 09/09/2017 11:48

Firstly the court ordered supervised contact. Then at the second hearing more supervised then a move to supervised by a friend. The court ordered that I am to be present as my son is so young and he will not separate from me.

OP posts:

AliceTown · 09/09/2017 15:45

Could Dad perhaps be feeling inadequate? Unsure what to do? Inferior to you? I'm sure he has himself to blame for that by not being there, but if you want a solution so that your son is able to separate and your ex feels more confident. Your ex's relationship with his own parents may give you some clues. I don't think you being there is going to be helping particularly. I won't put money on both your son and your ex making much more progress if you leave the room.

MrsBertBibby · 09/09/2017 15:58

Are the court proceedings still live? Are you due back for another hearing?

Has CAFCASS reported?

RaincloudOfDoom · 09/09/2017 16:13

Do you want him to get to know your ds? Do you think he could be a good father?

Clearly if he is not interacting with your 20 month old at all and the baby is very attached to you, it's going to be very hard to progress to the next step.

Could you suggest the centre again with a promise that you will step out for a while, and see how it goes?

Original poster

Jamielee444 · 09/09/2017 21:43

We are due back in court for the final hearing in Nov. I really thought by now he might have at least introduced himself to my son and spoken to him or brought him a toy. But even at the contact centre he would just observe. He was given guidance at each session and when told to interact he would pass toys to my son and that's about it. I suffer from anxiety so in the sessions I keep a low profile and just comfort my son when he needs it. I don't get involved.
I just don't know where it can go from here. The court expect progress to be made but if there hasn't been any I am not sure what can be ordered.

OP posts:

Original poster

Jamielee444 · 09/09/2017 21:44

Just to add to that, I have sent my ex a letter through my solicitor to say that he needs to interact more etc, and he still hasn't done anything to improve how contact is going

OP posts:

AliceTown · 09/09/2017 21:48

And yet he's still turning up to all the sessions and presumably will come to the final hearing? So he must want it.
I don't think it's your responsibility to figure it out for him tbh. Is it supervised - as in, is there a worker in the room with you both who could help? Maybe ask them? Or you could make a suggestion while you're in the room - "he likes cars, why don't you come and play cars with him for a bit?"
Or maybe see if you could leave your son in the room with his father for short but increasing amounts of time?
What do you want the outcome to be?

Blacklight80 · 09/09/2017 22:15

Did your ex initiate the court proceedings?

Original poster

Jamielee444 · 09/09/2017 22:20

He initiated court proceedings so therefore I am expecting him to take the lead.
There is no communication between me and my ex apart from through solicitors. He will not talk to me, even to ask about my son, even when I am available during contact

OP posts:

MrsBertBibby · 09/09/2017 22:25

I wonder whether a Family Assistance Order would help. Your solicitor would need to ask CAFCASS for their views.

Original poster

Jamielee444 · 10/09/2017 16:28

Thank you for all your comments.

OP posts:

MamaLeen · 10/09/2017 16:48

Hi I had this with my ex.
Dc was 1 when he decided he wanted contact and it went through a contact centre. She would not separate from me and I stayed through contact.
I would have to drag her kicking and screaming to the centre (Literally unfortunately)

You can get a report from the center to present at court if he doesn't meet what is needed.
Continue to write to him regarding the situation. If he choses not to write inreply then this further shows his inteast to bond with his child and can also be presented to the judge.

QuiteLikely5 · 10/09/2017 16:57

There needs to be a worker supervising this so they can document this.

Beware you are sounding slightly ott.

Your son is not going to want a relationship with a man you know but do not speak to. Is he?

Sending letters to his lawyer telling him to interact more could be seen as being very fussy by a judge.

If you want what is best for yo R son then be happy and encourage interaction yourself.

You have not said this man is a risk so I don't see what the issue is

AliceTown · 10/09/2017 16:59

I think that's a fair comment actually, Quite. OP your son will be attuned to your emotions. If you are anxious and don't engage with the father then your child is likely to follow your example. If you're going to stay in the room (and I stand by my comment that this is likely to be hindering any progress) then you leading by example is important.

Original poster

Jamielee444 · 10/09/2017 17:44

Yes I probably do sound a bit OTT. This has been going on since May and there has been no progress. It's frustrating to put my son through this. His father isn't emotionally available. He wants my son to reach out to him and if my ex goes to my son and he doesn't respond, my ex sulks. This is in one of the reports from the contact centre.
There has been done domestic abuse, mostly mental and my ex is known to social services for abusing and neglecting his vulnerable other son he has with another woman.
I literally just wanted to know if anyone has had any experience of contact going badly just because it generally goes well, and I was expecting it to go well, but now I'm confused as to what to expect next.

OP posts:

MamaLeen · 10/09/2017 18:07

Your not being too ott I have been exactly were you are. When someone has been a certain way to you you fear for your child. It's natural.
I forced my child into a situation she wasn't comfortable with to please the court and her dad.
Eventually the court seen reality and put the child first.
Once she was comfortable ( took literally months) Eventually they had access on their own in the Center for 1 and 1/2 years
To progress it away from there we did a pick up and drop off through the centre but he could take dc away for access during his time.

You need to work out how you see access progressing. If social work etc ex is involved it will be important to make sure it is safe but the child gets a meaningful time with his dad if his dad wants that.

MrsBertBibby · 10/09/2017 18:12

I had a case some years ago where the dad (they split before mum knew she was expecting) applied for shared residence 2 days after the baby's birth. Complete with a schedule for mum to express milk.

They were stuck in the contact centre well past the child's second birthday as the kid developed severe separation anxiety. Even when they managed mum withdrawing, overnights were looking like a distant dream as the kid approached school age, because the child could not settle.

It happens even with a dad who was doing his best, despite being a bit of a dick. If your ex can't engage and doesn't even seem to know how to try it's hard to see how anything can move forward.

Have you had CAFCASS involvement? I would be keen to get them to observe contact. They might have some bright ideas about parenting classes, playgroups etc where he could learn how to engage this kid.

Don't get bullied into handing your baby over if his dad is this incapable.

Flip