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Legal matters

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you have any legal concerns we suggest you consult a solicitor.

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Original poster

Residence

24 replies

hlfayers · 29/08/2017 15:19

Im just wondering what it would take for a dad to get residence of a newborn?
I'm a pregnant woman have been single since I was about 12 weeks pregnant.
The dad has non stop harassed me and any visitation I ever try and set out for when she is born never seems good enough so I feel when she is born he would probably try to get residence.
How likely is this to happen and what would happen if he did file for it?
I live in the U.K.
Thank you :)

OP posts:

AliceTown · 29/08/2017 16:24

Next to impossible unless the child is at significant risk of harm in your care.

Speak to women's aid about the harassment.

MapleLeafRag · 29/08/2017 16:42

Don't go to register the baby with him so he isn't on the certificate.

Mrscropley · 29/08/2017 16:43

Def don't put him on the bc or let him have unsupervised contact. Let him go through the courts. .

AliceTown · 29/08/2017 17:52

Or, see a solicitor so you have the best advice for moving forwards. Refusing to put him on the BC or refusing unsupervised contact unless the OP has solid evidence of risk of harm to the baby is a poor starting position if it ends up in the courts.

Original poster

hlfayers · 29/08/2017 18:13

I'm not too sure what you mean by this do you mean I should put him on the birth certificate and give unsupervised access or not?

OP posts:

Original poster

hlfayers · 29/08/2017 18:21

I'm just scared that if I refuse to put him on the bc it will give him more of a motive to go to court for residence just to either be spiteful or because he wants full control of seeing his child

OP posts:

AliceTown · 29/08/2017 18:22

I'm saying you should see a solicitor who can advise you properly.

Mrscropley · 29/08/2017 18:24

Not on the bc.
No to unsupervised contact.

If he wants contact he will need to apply for parental responsibility first, a judge would have to order dna tests and he would have to build up a case for being allowed contact before anything was granted. It will cost him money which he is unlikely to shell out I would imagine.

AliceTown · 29/08/2017 18:39

And would set up the OP to look incredibly unreasonable unless she has appropriate evidence for taking such a position.

If he represents himself, it would cost him £215. Less, or even nothing, if he's on a low income. He does not have to prove he is allowed contact - the OP has to prove that he shouldn't be allowed.

Original poster

hlfayers · 29/08/2017 19:08

I have no desire to keep him from seeing his child like I said in my question I've tried all sorts of visitation ideas with him ready for when she is born but he always just thinks He should have more even though I take everything he says into consideration,hense why I just wanted to know that if he went for residency it wouldn't be easy

OP posts:

Original poster

hlfayers · 29/08/2017 19:12

I wouldn't let him have unsupervised access anyway as she will be a newborn baby and feel that she should be with her mother until a certain age but obviously I would try to get him to see her as much as I could would just be at my house.
He just always thinks he should have more and anything I offer isn't good enough and she's not even here yet!
so just needed that reassurance really that if he even went for residence it wouldn't be easy

OP posts:

Ginmakesitallok · 29/08/2017 19:16

What are you offering? ?

Mrscropley · 29/08/2017 19:17

She has the evidence he is already hell bent on denying his dc of a dm!!
How is that acting in the best interests of his dc already?

Original poster

hlfayers · 29/08/2017 19:24

I've tried everything,
At the start I said every weekend then once she's old enough 2 days a week at his or his mums house. but that wasn't good enough as he said I wasn't letting him have any say so I said for him to decide the days but he would just say I don't know and not let me know what he wanted just to be awkward.
I can't offer anything without him saying it's either not good enough or I'm being too controlling basically

OP posts:

WhereYouLeftIt · 29/08/2017 19:36

"I'm a pregnant woman have been single since I was about 12 weeks pregnant."
What was the nature of your relationship before you split up? Had you been together a long time, live together, new relationship, one-night-stand? How well do you know him, his mum, where he would be taking your baby?

I'm trying to gauge if his behaviour is about wanting to be a father, or whether it is about controlling you.

Original poster

hlfayers · 29/08/2017 19:50

We were together when we were 15 and broke up lost contact then rekindled now that we are 22. We were together this time round for about a month and I ended things because he would swear at me and argue with me but not want to sort things out just pretend like it didn't happen.
Ever since we broke up he has been very bitter and say I ruined a potentially happy family and that as soon as I got pregnant I didn't want anything to do with him.
I've always told him I would never stop him seeing his child but this never gets through to his brain he will just say 'can't wait until the day you push me out can see it happening' the whole thing baffles me as I've done nothing but tell him once she's born he can come see her at mine to start with.
We got into a huge fight the other day over me asking how his job hunt is going,he said I was degrading him. I told him I no longer wanted to talk to him until she's born because of the way he treats me and he basically replied that he's taking it to court and 'winning her' and that he hopes she hates me because he thinks I have too much and he will have too little.
He also calls her 'it' never her or she or her name I already have picked out.
Sorry this is so long I just thought I would try explain everything in as much detail as I can but you can see I've been very stressed because he's basically saying he will go to court and try and get residence and I'm terrified of losing my baby and she's not even here yet!!

OP posts:

WhereYouLeftIt · 29/08/2017 20:45

Right, so it's pretty clear that his behaviour is not about being a father, it IS about controlling you.

You can stop worrying about losing your baby, it's not going to happen. The fear is very real, I know that, but that's your hormones amplifying the fear rather than the fear being about a realistic danger.

Of particular concern - "I've always told him I would never stop him seeing his child but this never gets through to his brain he will just say 'can't wait until the day you push me out can see it happening' "

This is manipulation. By saying this, he is making it harder for you to say 'I've had enough, stay away from me'. And his manipulation is working - you don't want to prove him right.

I think you need to get proper legal advice. Hell, I'd be looking for a restraining order, personally. But you're not me, you're you. So sit and think, without considering what he wants - what do you think is best for your daughter? Make the decision, tell him what he's getting, and if he doesn't like it tell him he's free to take you to court. Go talk to a solicitor, or CAB, and take their advice.

On the details you've given, it's damned unlikely a court would give his residence, or indeed anything more that your already far-too-reasonable offer. And he doesn't actually want more, he just wants to hurt you and control you. Take the control away from him. Tell him to take you to court. I'd be very surprised if he did, because any solicitor he employed would point out to him that he's not going to get more than you have already offered, and he may well get less.

And start to think of the details of contact. As a newborn, if you're breastfeeding that restricts how long you can be absent from her. Supervised contact in a contact centre, no overnights, involving ZERO direct contact with you, always via an intermediary (the contact centre). If he can't harass you directly, he'll probably get bored and taper off.

Original poster

hlfayers · 29/08/2017 20:59

Thank you ever so much. You have really made me feel alot better about the situation,I guess I just didn't want to make things awkward for him as I felt this would push him to go for residence more but after you've said all of that I can see he probably only threatens so that I do what he says.
Thank you again I really appreciate all your advice

OP posts:

thatdearoctopus · 29/08/2017 21:28

There's not a court in the land that would make a new mother hand over her newborn baby to anyone else, even the father.
I really wouldn't get into any more conversations/arguments with him on the subject. Wait and see what happens when she's here. Maybe he can visit for an hour or so at a time (if you're up to it - which you won't be if he stresses you out), with your mum or someone on hand to tell him to leave if he upsets you. Then go from there.

prh47bridge · 29/08/2017 21:39

There's not a court in the land that would make a new mother hand over her newborn baby to anyone else, even the father

Rubbish. If the court believes it is in the baby's interests for it to be taken away from its mother that is what they will order. However, it won't happen in the OP's case based on the information she has posted here.

thatdearoctopus · 29/08/2017 21:46

Which is what I actually meant, in "normal circumstances and if there is no reason to believe that the OP is any danger to the baby.

Original poster

hlfayers · 30/08/2017 20:16

Do you know own if I would need to apply for a residence order if it came to it to say she's living with me or is that just automatically assumed? Again,I live in the U.K.

OP posts:

WhereYouLeftIt · 01/09/2017 18:39

I would think that it is automatically assumed that a newborn will be living with its mother, and it is only if it is going to be living with anyone else that they would need to obtain an order.

Viviennemary · 01/09/2017 18:45

I agree with the others he won't get residency or even overnights with a newborn unless the child was at risk. Don't get into any more discussions with him about contacts now. In fact if the harassment continues Id think about reporting him to the police if I were you. And get a solicitor and don't whatever you do put him on the birth certificate.

He is being totally horrible and controlling already. Goodness knows how bad he'll get given half a chance.

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