Advice please

[messedupmummy]

Hi all
I hope someone can help - so long story short my ex left me a few weeks ago citing he couldnt take my rage and lashing out anymore - truth is he was physically verbally and emotionally abusive to me for years and i tried to leave and always went back - he has told me today he is seeing someone (5 weeks after leaving me) and whilst my heart is no more than dust and its killing me I have to keep my head straight. We have a 2 year old and a baby on the way - which he wants contact with. He wanted to keep it civil and between us which at first i was happy to do now i just hope i never see him again as i fear what i will do - i have so much anger at how he could do this to us after all the promises he made and I hope the saying is true and a leopard never changes his spots....

Anyway I now want to go through courts for him to see the kids - id love to get PR taken off him for our son - Has anyone been here before and can tell me am i allowed to get the police reports from the times he was arrested for beating me to support me in court? Most of the time was verbal and only twice were the police called even tho it was more than the twice he hit me...

Can i have access to the police files for this and also am i allowed to stipulate where the visits are and who is present? He has moved to somerset and im in london he doesnt drive so this new tart will be bringing him unless he comes via train - i dont want her anywhere near my children and have told him such i have also stated i do not want them going to somerset at all and he is not to have over night visits with them - am i allowed as their primary carer to do this - bear in mind i still have to have the baby and do not wish to put him on the BC.

I was being nice before and had offered a sofa at mine so he could do bed times and things but i dont think i can manage this now.

:( broken and messed up hope someone can help.

Thank you

I really feel for you and understand your anger.
You cannot do this alone. You need to see a family law solicitor and start divorce proceedings a long with access arrangements for your children and child support.
The police records can be acessed The solicitor will know what to do and will advise you throughout.
Take care of yourself

The courts are very reluctant to remove a father's PR and will only do so in exceptional circumstances. It is very unlikely you will succeed in getting his PR removed.

You cannot dictate where he takes the children or who they see when they are with him. Equally he cannot dictate where you take them or who they see when they are with you. I understand your desire that the children should not meet his new partner but it is very unlikely the courts will support you in this.

It may be that contact will initially be limited with no overnight stays but the courts will want to work towards the children staying overnight with him. It is unlikely he will get overnight stays with the baby immediately but the courts may think that your 2 year old is old enough to stay overnight.

If you are not married he will not have PR for your baby unless you put him on the birth certificate. However, it is likely the courts would give him PR if he applies.

I'm sorry that this isn't what you want to hear. Obviously emotions are raw. But I'm afraid this is how the courts are likely to view the situation.

If you were married I think he can automatically get pr. Is he paying maintenance? With a history of violence and abuse you should be able to agree supervised access via a contact centre. Have ss been involved at all?

no money no social services involved not married

i dont want him having overnights is because of the travel time is not worth it and if his past is anything to go by this "relationship" will be toxic and abusive possibly short lived i want to protect my children from being mixed up in all of that

As PR has said, court will separate the emotions from what's in the children's best interests i.e. a meaningful relationship with their father.
A good family law solicitor will deal with the legal side and hopefully stress that anger, fears, emotions - which are especially strong when relationship has been abusive - are best dealt with through counselling, specialist DV counselling is a good idea as it's a particularly weird and upside-down world that many ordinary counsellors don't get.

If he's moved, then onus more likely on him to come and see the DCs at present and particularly for the baby. It's going to be hard work to get to a point where you think good luck to the new woman for getting such a prize and move on with your life. Find local WA or equivalent, look up the Freedom Programme.

Ask your midwife or HV as a starter on gauging level of abuse and whether you can safely let him have contact with your 2-year-old or if SS might be worth talking to. And then let him take it to court. Cafcass will access police files etc and will then present their views to court and let the judge decide. He may have to do a DV course, have supervised contact initially or not but then courts will move to increasing contact so best to prepare for it and your feelings around it.

i dont want him having overnights is because of the travel time is not worth it

I'm afraid the court is likely to see that as an argument for him having 2 or 3 nights at a time rather than denying overnight contact completely.

yeah if they want my son sleeping in the kitchen hes living with his new bird and they dont have space - so far hes coming here and staying with a friend or in a hotel and my sister goes to a meet point and then picks up my boy after - im still saying no to her tho as my little boy is already misbehaving and showing signs of stress we have to move house soon new baby on the way and i dont need something else adding to his emotional state - my ex is not the one that has to live with the temper tantrums of a 2 year old its me so i wont have it

Agree with prh47bridge.

Your other comment "my ex is not the one that has to live with the temper tantrums of a 2 year old its me so i wont have it" also suggests this is more about you dealing with the fallout than about your DS's best interest - the court won't care about these points and by bringing this stuff up, you run the risk of detracting from the wider concerns you have about your DS's safety around your ex.

See a solicitor - many still give a free initial consultation (I would see a few if possible so you can get different perspectives and choose someone who understands you).

Sorry if that sounded harsh, OP - I didn't mean that you don't care about your DS and appreciate the point you were making is that DS is distressed. I meant that you should consider refocussing your concerns when it comes to the court so things don't get clouded by your (understandable) anger.