Issues over child contact/residency - urgently need advice

[MycatsaPirate]

Dp's ex wife has died and currently their DD (14) is still residing at her partners house. They did not marry.

My Dp is the only person with PR for the DD. Over the last 4 years there has been zero discussion between ex and dp over their DD and any time he has asked about her health (she was having hospital appointments), education or her general wellbeing he was told it was none of his business what went on in her home.

He hasn't had his DD in two years. His ex moved in with her bf moving away from the area (about an hour away) and after that contact stopped. He has tried repeatedly to see his DD and tried to call but has been stonewalled by the bf on every occasion. He considered going the legal route at that point but with his ex being diagnosed with cancer thought it would be unfair to put her through the trauma of a legal fight when she had enough to be dealing with.

So now he has been blocked completely. The bf has blocked dp on all social media so that he can't message him. He screens calls and refuses to answer the phone. He will not respond to messages passed on through a third party. He is basically preventing dp from having any contact with his DD at all.

DD has not spoken to her dad on the phone since May and only then to give him a list of stuff she wanted for her birthday. She didn't call back to say she had received it or say thank you. She apparently does not want to talk to her dad because he 'didn't stand up for her'. We aren't sure what this is in reference to.

So how does dp go from here? He was happy to let DD stay where she was on the understanding that he has a full say in her life and there is open communication between him and the bf even if the DD doesn't wish to talk to him. As it stands he has no say in anything and is massively concerned that if he doesn't fight for her now he will lose her forever.

Other thing mentioned is that she does not like me. Dp and I have discussed this and agreed that if it comes to it, we will split up and he will move out so he can live with his DD on their own. Not a great solution for us or my dc but if it means he gets to rebuild their relationship then I am happy to do so.

He will be calling to make a solicitors appointment first thing Monday morning but any legal bods who can give us some advice, it would be much appreciated.

It was immature of the DP to block your DH, but perhaps he was grieving for his partner at the time and didn't have room for anything else.

Do you think you could pass a letter to her via her school? You need to find out if she is happy to stay where she is, and then you need to respect that.

Thanks for the comments.

Just to clear things up, Dp had said to the bf that he would come down and see him for an hour yesterday to just have a general chat and see if they can sort out what will be happening in the future with regards DD. Dp is the only adult with PR for her and I don't think that the bf can just decide to keep DD without some sort of input from her actual dad?

Regardless, the DD was in contact with dp until two years ago when on the last visit she refused to come back from a friends and kicked off as she wasn't allowed a sleepover - it was christmas time and dp hadn't seen her for three months so was reluctant for her to spend one of the two night and most of the two days at her friends house. As he pointed out to her, if she was up here every other weekend then it wouldn't be so much of an issue but he wanted to spend time with her. She spent most of the time on the last visit on her laptop upstairs and refused to communicate with anyone. I had taken my dc out so she had her dad to herself but she just refused point blank. She was 11 at that point.

He has been a hands on dad from day one. When her mum went back to work after mat leave it was dp who did the school runs, dinner, bath, bedtime routine because mum worked over an hour away and was working full time, he cut his hours as the lower earner to enable them to cope without childcare. They were always very close. It was only when mum moved away that everything pretty much fell apart.

dp is willing to go to mediation but fear that the bf and DD will not engage. Are the only options to just go to Court? Can the bf just keep DD with not PR and no actual relationship with her other than living with her and her mum for two years?

DP hasn't hassled the bf, it was one conversation in passing that he would come and see him while DD was away on holiday but he chose to not answer the phone and has blocked him on social media so he can't message him.

His DD hasn't blocked him, the bf has. The house phone is never answered now. He used to answer it and dp was always told DD wasn't in. No matter what time or day. Even Christmas day at lunchtime, she apparently wasn't in. Which was difficult for either of us to believe, there is no other family down there so where the hell was she meant to be?

The bf has brain damage and severe short term memory loss. He often told dp that DD was out but not sure where as he couldn't remember. We appreciate he is grieving but that is nothing really to do with dp. His concern is for his DD living with a man she is not related to, with no family support, completely cut off from everyone in her actual family.

Does your DH have his DDs mobile number? Has he sent her a message along the lines of "I'm so sorry about your DM, is there anything you need, or can I help with anything? Please call any time", etc?

It's a delicate situation and you need to tread softly. Seeing a lawyer for legal advice might be helpful, but don't let him/her send a letter or anything until you've had time to think about it. How about contacting her school and local social services to discuss it?

You are right that the DP has no legal status. He cannot consent to medical treatment or make any decisions and this can't continue. He should apply for guardianship and do this properly.
Your DP would have to be served and would get his say.
However, on a practical level of course your DP could go and get his daughter but that's not going to end well.
To be honest whilst this is bad timing the BF does not sound great, not least the way he's trying to cut out your DP - the child's only surviving parent! Unless there's a good reason.
I'd suggest speaking with social services as I don't think they'd likely be supportive of a 14 year old living with a non relative. At the very least your DP and the bf need to be talking regularly. Mediation would be good and a mediator trained to talk to the daughter as her wishes are v important.
It may be that if your DP can re-engage with her that in time she'll come round.
I really wouldn't think you and DP splitting up is a good idea. Though you're lovely to suggest it. She's 14 and shouldn't be dictating her DF's relationship. Obvs different if you've been a complete cow to her but if not, this isn't the answer.
Good luck.

Sorry I meAn the bf has no legal status - not your DP

See the solicitor. Certainly her father is the one who can take decisions about her (and indeed must now fully pay for her just as important and has to pay to house her - a massive cost presumably). If the girl has inherited anything from her mother there needs to be a trustee - possibly her mother's boyfriend who manages that money on the girl's behalf although perhaps there was no life insurance, pension nor house?

The girl is at a really really crucial age - 14 is when you start the 2 year GCSE which in effect decide your whole life ofteni n terms of careers so I would seeing whatever route will get her the highest GCSE graddes possible when she is 16 whilst maintaining the status quo for her. Her mother might well have left a letter of wishes and a will setting out what she would like to happen, even though you have PR. At the very least presumably her father can attend every school event, parents' evening, sports day, school concert and that kind of thing.

If the partner does not have PR and has limitations on his capabilities then Social Services would at the very least be interested.

A very slightly similar situation occurred at my DC's school - a girl in an older year (friend of a friend's DD) was living with DM and her BF, but the DF of the girl was not on the scene (deceased or no PR or never named on BC, not sure which). The DM died and the BF was not allowed to continue living with the DD - she has been with a foster carer while the BF applied for PR, but he needed to be assessed by Social Services as suitable for PR. I believe that was going OK and should be coming through but it wasn't a done deal.

Thanks again for the input, it's very much appreciated.

When I say Dp has not had contact with DD, I meant here, at our home. She hasn't come to stay with us (as she used to). He has however seen her at least once a week at an activity my DD also goes to and even if my DD hasn't been going for any reason, he has still gone down to say hello to his DD, even if the reception from her has been a bit muted. He has texted her repeatedly over the last two years but never received a response. She will not answer the phone to him. We don't know why, no one knows why,. she won't talk to anyone (although her mum did say to dp on the phone on Christmas day that she admitted she had tried to keep DD away from him as in her opinion (mums) she didn't think dp had been supportive enough when she got her cancer diagnosis).

We have always sent Christmas and birthday presents and if I've seen something I know she would like I've bought it and got dp to take it down to her. He has gone to parents evenings although she has refused the offer to go out to dinner with him. The bf refused to go to parents evening with dp and DD had to go twice so both of them could go as mum was too poorly at that point.

DD is away on holiday at the moment, a long standing arrangement with family friends and she still wanted to go. Dp had said to me that as long as communication was kept open with the bf and he still had a say in his DD's life then he was happy for her to stay there but communication has now completely stopped, albeit it was shit before, it's now non existent. As dp said, he is practically begging a fucking stranger to pass on a message to his own child - and he is refusing.

There is no back story of violence or abuse. My dp is so laid back he is practically horizontal. I have only heard him shout twice in the last 6 years, once at his oldest DD who was beyond hysterical and wasn't listening to reason (an adult, not a child) and once at his BIL over the funeral arrangements for his ex wife. Dp was annoyed that they were well known and he hadn't been told - dp has friends who would like to go and pay their respects and all the secrecy and trying to prevent any of dp's family from attending or the best man from their wedding etc is just starting to really annoy him. The bf is doing a very good job of shutting everyone out of DD's life from Dp's side of things. She hasn't seen ANY of the wider family in over two years now. That's wrong and she is being denied a wider circle of support.

One of us will ring and make an appointment for him on Monday for Tuesday so he can go after his hospital appt. He definitely needs legal advice and he has the number for children's social services for the area concerned.

It does sound like there might have been some parental alienation going on, or the daughter might just be going through a difficult period. It just sounds like she knows her late mum didn't want her seeing her Dad and she might feel it's disloyal to start seeing him now.
Whatever way you look at it though the bf sounds like he's behaving badly. He ought to be putting his feelings aside for her benefit and speaking to your DP. I wonder whether he realises he currently has NO rights unless the court gives him some. He ought to be working with your DP not excluding him.
Get your DP to write out a chronology to get the best use of time with his solicitor as some of this is quite jumbled - no criticism - it's an emotive subject so it's best to get it written down. E.g.
DD born
DP and ex separate
Last overnight contact
Ex's diagnosis
Ex's death
Each time regularity of seeing DD changed and how
Etc.
Unfortunately from what you say it doesn't sound like the bf is acting in DD 'abets interests probably on some last wishes of the ex or loyalty to her but DD cannot stay living with someone behaving like this to her last surviving parent - the courts would be seriously unimpressed. I appreciate her wishes are key but at the v least this man needs to get PR and get talking to your DP - if he won't I'd be challenging this as the courts would really feel DD should have a relative with her dad and he's blocking it and possibly alienating her from her dad at an awful time. Whilst her wishes are compelling they are not 100% decisive and a court could decide this man is wrong to support her at this time.

Best not abets

To be honest I think I would get in touch with social services, explain that this 14 year old is living with an unrelated man who is cutting her off from her parent/family and see what they suggest.

If there was a previous court order in force giving the mother residence and she named her partner as her daughter's guardian in the event of her death he already has parental responsibility.

If there is a dispute about contact or where she lives it will be up to the courts to decide. As Babybarrister says, at 14 her wishes will be decisive. A Child Arrangements Order giving her late mother's boyfriend residence would also give him parental responsibility if he doesn't have it already.

Social services will not get involved on the information given here. The man she is living with is not a stranger. He is her late mother's partner. She has lived with him for at least 2 years and has had only minimal contact with her father in that time.

The important thing at this stage is to find out what she really wants.

No prh47bridge that's not right. A guardianship appointment ONLY takes effect on the death of the last surviving person with PR.

Ah sorry, missed the bit about if she had a lives with order

Social services will not get involved on the information given here.

Not even if the BF has limited mental capacity?

I do think social services would get involved unless ex wife had residence/a lives with order and appointed bf as guardian. He doesn't have PR otherwise and at the very least should get that. Without PR he can't even liaise and make decisions re school, medical treatment etc. Then your DP gets a say in the application.
I think social services would be concerned about a child living with a non relative who has no PR but is blocking contact with a parent.

Not even if the BF has limited mental capacity

If he is incapable of looking after the girl they would get involved. But all we have been told is that he has brain damage which has resulted in severe short term memory loss. That does not necessarily make him incapable of caring for the girl.

Without PR he can't even liaise and make decisions re school, medical treatment etc.

Even if he doesn't have PR he is entitled to make day to day decisions simply because she is living with him.

The OP's partner has the right to make decisions about:

• the religion in which she will be brought up
• the school she attends
• changing her name
• accessing her medical records
• consenting to operations or certain medical treatment
• taking the child out of the UK

The first four of those are unlikely to be an issue before she is 16. The boyfriend can certainly give consent to medical treatment if it is reasonably required for safeguarding or promoting her welfare. And, at 14, she may be Gillick competent which means she can give consent herself regardless of her father's views. So the only real issue is going abroad where her father's consent will be needed.

I still don't see a safeguarding issue that would be of interest to Social Services unless, perhaps, the boyfriend is blocking contact against the girl's wishes. However, it seems she doesn't want contact as she thinks her father has let her down in some way.

Thanks again for the responses.

And yes, it is a bit jumbled, apologies, it is a very emotive subject and hard to list in order when so much has happened over the last four years or so.

There was no Court order on where the DD lived or contact. During the divorce the ex stated that contact was ongoing and not an issue. The Judge made no ruling but shortly after that she moved away and contact stopped.

The BF does not have PR. Even if the ex stated her wishes were for her DD to remain with him that does not give him PR. Only my dp has PR for his DD. The bf would need to go to Court to get PR and my DP would be notified in that case.

The bf does have brain damage. He was in an accident and got a huge payout because of the brain damage. His ex told dp (and others) this as she was delighted that he had a solid financial background. This is not hearsay or third hand information, she has told dp in front of me that bf often forgets to take his medication and often gives stuff to a charity shop and then buys it back a week later saying 'oh look what I bought today' forgetting that he had gifted it earlier. He has also been on the phone to dp in the past and said that DD is out but he can't remember where she has gone.

Dp rang SS this morning and said they will only get involved if there is any concern about her safeguarding. So basically he needs to wait for something to happen to DD until they will act. Not saying that is likely or he will harm her but both dp and I are concerned that the deliberate alienation of dp and his wider family (cousins, aunt, godparents etc) is going to harm her emotionally later in life.

There is also massive concern over her future education. DD told me a few months ago that she wants to be an actress or a musician. She is now not going to uni and only wants to act or be in a band. She is an extremely bright girl and it's sad that she is dropping her uni plans. While we agree she has the right to follow her dreams we would definitely encourage her to go to university and at least get a degree so that she has some sort of back up should the first two things not pan out.

Dp will be speaking to a solicitor tomorrow and hopefully drafting a letter to send to the bf stating he would rather not engage in a legal war but wishes to sort this amicably for everyone's sakes. He is her dad and as such has a legal right to know what is going on in his DDs life.

Did your DP tell SS that the BF can't remember where the DD is sometimes?
That seems pretty much like a safeguarding issue to me.

No, as far as they are concerned as long as she has a roof over head, a bed, food and is going to school there are no concerns. It's quite astonishing really. Obviously if something happens then it will be a safeguarding issue but SS are so swamped they just don't want to know unless a child is living in absolute squalor or being beaten.

They advised him to write bf a letter so that's what is going to be done. Dp is at the hospital today having a pre op assessment so will look at that when he gets home.

He feels really down, it's hard to know what to say to him.