Support for my FHDRA on Monday...

[RoseNarene]

Starting to feel very nervous about my FHDRA on Monday and seeking support from my fellow mums!

Ex and I split in Feb as he cheated. We managed contact roughly 50/50 though I was only working 2 days a week and he was (and still is) full time. We have a mortgage together so some nights I left the house and some nights he left the house. Kids almost always stayed at the house with either one of us.

Things were never nice during this temporary arrangement. He blames me for the breakdown of our relationship as I refused to go to counselling after discovering his affair. I tried so hard to make things amicable but his behaviour got aggressive and odd. Eventually he started threatening me and turning our daughter against me, so I stopped contact. He then applied for the Arrangement Order.

I never wanted to stop contact but after the NSPCC told me that the things he was saying to my daughter and how these things were affecting her was emotional abuse, I had to make a decision about what was worse - stopping contact or allowing him to carry on emotionally abusing her. I tried to minimise the damage before I stopped contact by enforcing an alternative weekend arrangement but it didn't work. I tried talking to him about it but he didn't think there was anything wrong with telling her "mummy is being nasty to daddy" etc (and many more things!!) CAFCASS agreed in their letter that it was emotional abuse.

So I can't afford a solicitor and don't get legal aid so it's me versus his solicitor. He's said in his application that he was the girls' main carer which is a complete lie. He's also said he thinks I might have post natal depression which is so ridiculous it's funny. Really clutching at straws with that one. I don't know exactly what arrangement he wants but I think he wants Monday - Thursday and for me to have Friday - Sunday. I don't see how a court would go for that since he works full time and my contract has ended so I'm currently unemployed (income support not through yet so no legal aid). Also since I've been part time since our oldest was born, except for a spell of about 5 months at the end of 2015, when he was part time. I want the standard alternate weekend thing, and for us both to attend a separated parenting class.

I'm confident about representing myself as I'm secure in my convictions but any advice on addressing the court and how the process works, the proper terms to use to address the magistrates, and any general advice would be appreciated, or just support and hearing other people's experiences. I know to remain calm and collected. I have a friend attending with me as a Mackenzie Friend. I do think I'll get what I'm asking for but I'm nervous all the same.

Thank you xx

I think the best thing to remember is that this is about the children's welfare. Try to not bring anything up about marriage split up and why's etc- that is in the past and what needs to be sorted is access.

Have you got in mind what you would ideally want? It sounds very crass but you have to be ready to bargain. So start with what your ideal would be and have on your head what you would compromise to. I think having the CAFCAS report will stand to you so refer to that. The judge will want to see that you are being reasonable and not denying child a relationship with their father. It's so nerve wracking - I've been there but even with solicitor and barrister I was so nervous so I really feel for you. Are you still in family home and staying there for future? If so that will stand to you as it's familiar for child. How old is she ? I think the standard nowadays is half summer holidays, every other weekend, and a night midweek. it would be extremely unlikely for the father to get monday to Thursday and you Friday to Sunday when he is working full time.

If he brings up post natal depression or any mental health issues you need to be ready to speak about things not impacting or impairing your ability to parent, even if you did have depression and on medication that is not enough reason for you not to care for your child- plenty of people have mental health issues and parent without issue.

I'm not sure what else to say. I've been there with my child and with ex and his children. It's hard and emotional. Is there anything else in CAFCAS report which will stand to you. Read it and know it inside out and highlight points you want to draw judges attention to.

I think the age your child is is a major factor in how it will go.... sorry I've no more practical advice ... hope others do

I'm proposing Friday 3pm - Monday 9am every other weekend with an evening during the other week. School holidays pretty much 50/50. I dunno, I think I'm being pretty fair. I'm not prepared to give any more than that.

Girls are 4 (starts school in September) and 1.

No I took the children to my parents at the start of June as he refused to leave. I'm still laying the mortgage so I can't afford to go anywhere. My plan is to sell the house by ex says he won't talk about that until we have sorted the arrangement for the girls. Kinda understandably I suppose.

Thank you for your reply xxx

What you are proposing for that age is perfectly reasonable. How does he think he is going to care for a 1yr old when he works full time ? I really think what you are proposing will be accepted by judge - I really can't see a judge not agreeing with your proposal - it might be different if they were in their teens but they are still so young

you could ask the court to make him and you give undertakings that neither of you will criticise or denigrate the other parent at any time when your DD can hear.

Hey how did it go?

Hey! It went well. I got exactly what I wanted. It was very daunting and I didn't always express myself so eloquently because I was so nervous, but the magistrates were really nice and understanding. STBXH solicitor kept trying to trip me up but it didn't work. I could see what he was trying to do so answered accordingly. STBXH lied through his teeth, totally infuriated me but I stayed calm and I think I came across as a really reasonable person. So great!