Non primary carer's childcare responsibilities?

[AnythingForAQuietLife]

Hi there. I'm rather cheekily looking for some legal advice.

My ex husband and I have been divorced for two years and have a son (10) and daughter (14).

My exH lives just ten minutes away and although I'm primary carer I have always supported him as a father (eg I drop the children off to him every school day morning so they can see him for 10 mins or so before catching the bus. To be fair, this is en route to my place of work so no real hassle for me).

Currently he has the children every other weekend (Fri, Sat and Sun night) and additionally between one and two mid week nights after work. For the latter I still provide the children's evening meal since he doesn't finish work until 7pm.

Before he met his new partner he was keen to see the children as much as possible in half terms. Things have now changed for him and he is sticking far more rigidly to the above with far less (almost zero scope) for additional contact time during school holidays.

We both have careers and increasingly I'm finding it harder and harder to pursue mine since the burden of childcare during holidays is now falling almost exclusively upon me. He says that since I'm the primary carer this my responsibility / my problem.

I want to know where I stand legally (i.e. dont tell me what I want to hear / nothing emotive! Of course I mean that respectfully :-)

My questions / thoughts are:

1. Is he right? Because I'm primary carer should I be sorting all childcare? He views his time as purely 'contact time' and pretty much tells me when he can have them over holidays, if at all (increasingly rare). He calls all the shots on half terms / holidays basically. In this respect he's essentially free to pursue his career / free time etc.

1. Because in the last year or so I've acquiesced to his way, precedent has now been set. So if I was to pursue a court order, I guess this would go against me?

1. It always seems unfair that on his midweek contact nights he is free to pick them up nearer 730 / 8pm (since he finishes work late) meaning not only do I have to feed them but I have less opportunity to go out / do my own thing. It never feels like it's a full evening for me. Yet when I raised this with a legally minded pal he said that all a court cares about is the welfare of the kids (rather than quality of time off for me) and the kids would feel upheaval going from me to childcare to him. I have asked if I can drop him to his house where his new partner and step siblings are and he refuses (they get on very well with their step mum / siblings).

Erm, I think that's it for now. I'd really love some advice / any experiences. Thanks so much in advance.

Bumping this. Hope that's ok.

I don't know the legalities but I did think the presumption was 50/50 these days unless there was good reason not to? Also maybe you need to insist he step up and actually parent rather than just playing at it- could you not just insist that if he's seeing them then it's his problem to pick them up from school and give them tea, and if he's not interested in doing that then you won't let him see them in the week as it's too disruptive for homework etc? (Then he may have to pay more maintenance too)

And I would insist on 50/50 for school holidays too. Maybe focus on the work angle rather than your leisure opportunities though. You probably need to get some proper legal advice, it might well be worth paying for it.

My understanding, from friends in this situation, is that the person responsible for them overnight is also responsible for either looking after them that day or paying for someone else to (holiday club or whatever). That's why maintenance is based on the number of overnights. But I could be wrong. I hope someone with legal knowledge comes along to point you in the right direction.

Just remember in a couple of years (for dd anyway) they will decide themselves whether to see df or not. .

When they realise he can't really be bothered to parent them they are likely to stay away. .
My exh chose not to decently parent our ds and they live full time with me now. Nc with him.

No, obviously I agree that 'insisting' won't work if they are just being dicks, but I do think sometimes there is room to be more assertive than women sometimes are in these situations (because it is usually the woman who get landed with this sort of entitled behaviour from an ex isn't it) and that might have an impact. I guess at age 10 and 14 then actually in another year or two they will be old enough to be left for an hour or two in the evening anyway, so it's probably not worth the effort. I suppose you could ask about billing for his share of holiday childcare though while you are working and see what happens.

As a family solicitor, I diagnose the common legal conundrum of your ex being a self indulgent irresponsible twat. It is often brought out when their dick finds a shiny new vagina.

Not much you can do except wait while the kids get sick of him and then you can stop being his free taxi and child minding service and let him stew. I hope he pays CMS. If not why not? Apply now.

Only a few years and childcare will be a distant memory.

Just out of interest MrsBert (sorry if it's derailing the thread a bit OP) what is the situation legally over paying for childcare if one parent won't do their share?

You can't make him have them.

At 10 and 14, they don't really need 'childcare' , they should be fine on their own.

If he doesn't want to see them, I wouldn't push it.

"After* if I were the resident parent, I'd arrange childcare if the 14 year old couldn't babysit.

I wouldn't assume the non resident parent would step up.

I guess a 10 year old would be OK for a few hours between pick ups, of for 4-5 hours alone.

I think that depends on the children really. Unless things change dramatically in the next 3 years I won't be leaving my DCs alone at 14 and 11 for example for more than 30 minutes because they fight too much. Once the younger one is old enough to be fully responsible for themselves then yes.

Thank you all for all these replies. Yes he pays maintenance. Looks like I'm going to have to sit and wait this one out....

My DS 10 would not be left alone...There are lots of assumptions lately at what age these children can be left alone..

It all depends on the child which is why it isn't set in stone in law.

The law is utterly useless and wrong on this and I write that as a lawyer. You cannot force these useless men to take on childcare at all. They seem to be allowed to sit around and never see the children (think in my case - father off school 8 weeks over the summer, i take one week off full time work for holiday with children, I pay for 7 weeks of full time childcare, their father has them not one single night of the summer holiday and he pays nothing......)

All I can say is now my youngest are teenagers it is much easier and they know who has managed things, pays for them and has supported them. Their relationships with us both as adults will be much longer than as children and their father has been very silly in how he's handled it all.

It feels like you are blaming us single mothers for not being assertive enough, or sorting things out for ourselves, whilst letting the fathers off.
Sorry if it sounded like that, it wasn't intended. It very much depends on the ex- like I said if they are useless dicks then being assertive obviously isn't going to help. There was a thread a while back though where the mum was negotiating a financial package and hadn't even considered that she might need/want to work more hours once divorced so would need the ex to step-up, so it does need highlighting much earlier. I think the law is totally inadequate on this issue as childcare costs should not fall mostly on one parent, it's just not fair.