What do midwives know at your booking appointment?

[ABC123bettypoop]

Hi

At my booking appointment for my first pregnancy I stupidly admitted that an ex had punched me in the chest once and that I had left him. I also said that my current husband was having counselling for 'anger' which wasn't strictly true, because it was actually for anxiety but he was being seen by the army counsellor who had to categorise it as anger on the system.

Anyway, we had an investigation done, also because I had apparently suffered from depression before, which I disagree with, I took anti depressants a couple of times for seasonal affective disorder and didn't even take the tablets for more than a week or so because I didn't feel that I needed it. After the investigation etc it was found that everything was fine and no further action was deemed necessary. It was truly the most traumatic time of my life. I was sick with worry each second of the day and I was shaking with fear on and off each day and not sleeping. I am not in an abusive relationship whatsoever and very happy with my partner.

Now I'm pregnant again and petrified of my booking appointment. What do I do? Will I be asked again about domestic violence and depression etc? If I don't believe I had depression do I need to say yes to the question? If I say yes to previous domestic violence it's an instant referral to social services straight away. I have moved to an area near by but obviously still the same country. What will the midwife already know about me when I come into the room? What could she find out regarding whether a past referall had been made or not? I don't want to lie but I know that if I don't, it will be another investigation won't it? Social services told us it wouldn't be but if I answer yes to the questions then it will be even though we are perfectly happy and our little one is doted on and cared for in every possible way. I'm petrified and I can't go through that again. Will the previous referral information be shared/already known to the midwife?

Thanks

I was in a dv marriage previously and in last pregnancy with current husband I told the midwife about it. Also had pnd twice and ptsd.

The midwife never referred us to social services and we were never investigated. She just took my word that I was safe.

I think they do have access to information from the previous pregnancy, but if you aren't experiencing domestic violence with your current partner then when asked if there is any domestic abuse then you can truthfully answer no. They'll only want to know about your current situation, not previous boyfriends that you no longer have contact with.

With regard to depression, that's just so they know whether to keep an eye on you/refer for counselling/give you extra support.
I had terrible PND when my eldest was born and tried to commit suicide. With my second child I disclosed this at booking in and they arranged for me to see the mental health midwife. We just had a chat then and arranged a plan for what would happen if I started feeling and again.
No SS involvement or anything. And I've been fine this time. A bit of anxiety but no depression, so having it once doesn't guarantee you'll have it again.
Hope this helps!

Even if you do get referred, if you are perfectly safe it's not a problem, is it?

Midwives are there to look after you and the baby. To make sure that the both of you are ok.

My neighbour has had ss involvement. Her children have a social worker but they arent active in my neighbours life, visit every 6 months or so. Whenever she has had another child there have been no ss investigations. Its just noted on the system.

Can i ask why you feel so strongly about this? It sounds like you have some anxiety towards ss being involved.

They wanted to know about previous partners. Apparently it's if you've ever had any instance of domestic violence.

I wouldn't be lying if I said everything's fine now because it absolutely is but they were trying to paint a picture of a situation that wasn't there at all.

Yes I feel very strongly about this because you only get referred if someone thinks your child isn't in jeopardy of being harmed which couldn't be further from the truth. I am a professional person in a good position and I am the last person who would ever hurt a child, but this was in question due to the referral and investigation. I don't want any question over my ability to parent my child when nothing's going on.

It's the first step to SS trying to take your child away through forced adoption. I would protect my child with my life before I let anyone try and start investigating with the view that we might not be fit parents.

I am unsure as to whether or not the midwife would already know or be able to find out about the referral or investigation?

Also will she ask whether or not SS have had any involvement with me in the past? If so do I say yes? They never had any involvement after the investigation as they agreed that they didn't need to. But if I say no then will this be seen as a lie if she already knows about the referral and investigation?

Retro vibes... wow look at the difference between how you and I were treated. If I had told my midwife or the social services what you had it would have gone so much further. I was referred even though nothing was going on.

Can i ask why you feel so strongly about this? It sounds like you have some anxiety towards ss being involved

Because she had a massive un wanted and un welcome intrusion into her life that was not necessary at all! Now she is frightened the trundle will start rolling again! What a silly question!

any way you sound very sensible - hopefully you wont get same MW again but just keep what you say to a minimum, and hopefully this awful trauma you have experienced wont put you off getting help in future if you do need it!

It's the first step to taking your child away through forced adoption.

I think you're being a bit overly dramatic here. The vast majority of people who social services work with don't have their children removed.

And yes, they will ask about previous social services involvement and yes you do need to tell the truth.

When you say an investigation was done, do you mean by social services? Were they looking at whether your home life was safe for a baby?

If they found there was no issue last time, why would that change now? If there's any referral to social services this time around you can refer to the previous conclusion that everything was fine.

Mint how was it a silly question. Due go OPs history/background/situation SS did an investigation to make sure that OP and baby are ok, nothing came of it. By the Ops further posts i think my question was a valid one. OP seems to have a view that SS are baby snatchers waiting to take babies away to put up for adoption. SS are nothing to fear.

It was a horrible and terrifying experience whereby they scaremongerd us with the consequences. They twisted and lied about things to give a different impression of how things really were and this put us under pressure. Due to my line of work I have seen lots of cases of where parents have lost their child due to social services over things like depression whereas heroin addicts seem to be allowed to keep their children. Fearful is s good word, I definitely am. Everything is fine yet they investigated us so that's pretty scary in itself and that was all instigated due to the one instance where an ex hit/pushed me. That's why I'm so concerned about discussing it again at this booking interview because I don't want to go through it again. Yes, I think they were assessing to see if we were safe to be parents. Why on earth would that not be scary if they clearly think there's a reason to do such a thing when there isn't at all. I'm so worried that I will have to go through it again and drag up an ex from years ago and discuss my 'depression' which i don't have. It's all exaggerated and too far fetched. Bearing in mind I make social service referrals myself, I am very aware of what is normal and what isn't.

I have no idea if it's the same where you are, but in my second pregnancy booking appointment the midwife had all my booking in info from the previous time and just updated/checked things. So they may well see about the previous domestic violence and the depression.

"Due to my line of work I have seen lots of cases of where parents have lost their child due to social services over things like depression whereas heroin addicts seem to be allowed to keep their children. "
With respect, unless you are privy to the details of each case, you really won't know why children have been taken into care or why they're allowed to stay with their parents.

So as my ex from years ago hit me/pushed me in the chest and I left him straight away, ill now have a marker of being a domestic violence victim for all future pregnancies as if I'd been abused for years and years? It doesn't seem very fairly representative of what actually happened. If so it will mean an instant referral to social services again because of that one push so many years ago.

I don't know tbh. They have to be aware of any issues though, for the women and children that do need help.

Presumably your current partner is no longer having counselling? So that's no longer relevant? Plus there's been no issues to date with your first child, so that also shows that there's no issues at home. I think they'd be incredibly over zealous to do another investigation given all of that.

And, last time they concluded there were no issues and your child wasn't removed from your care at all. Which contradicts your fears about forced adoptions.

How long has it been since your last pregnancy? What is your situation like now?

Thanks for the advice. So it's been two years since last pregnancy. Nothing was wrong then and it isn't now only that hubby was getting counselling and isn't any longer.

That's the only difference which isn't much hence the worry. The referral was more due to that one instance of violence from an ex years before and anti depressants for a few weeks, again years before. So that's why I'm worried as all that was very much in the past last time and that was enough for a referral even though it was years before. I thought that anti depressants for something so minor, that I ended up barely using wouldn't be seen as anything important let alone an SS referral. And also, although an awful experience, a one off instance of being pushed where I then left my partner doesn't seem like a reason for a SS referral when that happened years ago. I don't see him/contact him in any way. Everything's great between me and my hubby so going through an investigation like we had to last time is the worst thing I can think of right now when we were fine then and still are. Having to sit there and prove that we are fit to be parents is just horrendous.