Child contact.

[user1496689709]

Hello to you all, please can anyone help me as I feel so ill and am crying my way through each and every day, I have come out if a emotional controlling relationship and still trying to find myself, I have a 6 year old daughter with that partner I have parted from him, I have been with my 6 year old daughter since birth and have never left her side only for school, my x partner has been saying since birth he is going to take her to Canada, Germany all of these places and it has stuck in my head so I have never let her out of my sight and I have never let him take her anywhere without me, I think I stayed in the relationship through fear but now we have parted he has threatened to do me damage and take me to court for access , I know if he is granted access that is it she will be gone, maybe not out of the country I don't know but he will defenatly take her, I went to seek advice from the solicitors who basically said it was £215 for a court order, £90 for a hours advice and the rest I can't afford this at all, all I need is for my daughter to be safe but with no legal aid I have no chance, he has a lot of money so he can afford to take me to court with the best solicitors I am totally inconsolable every single day and just can't see tomorrow because the pain of what is coming I can't cope with. I have never been in a court in my life, and have no friends to talk to that won't gossip , I am totally broken xxxx

Get your daughter a passport and keep it safe. That should give you more peace of mind about being taken out of the country.

You need to seek help for your anxiety if you can't be apart from a 6 year old. .
Its unhealthy for her and you. .

You could speak to the cab they I can refer you to solicitor who do free pro bono work or women's aid who may be able to advise re the emotional/controlling abuse

I can be parted from her but just not where's he is concerned, she is very confident and social, she does a lot of activities outside school, if the father of your child has cemented in into your brain that he is going to take your child it is the worst fear you will ever feel, and you will not feel safe night and day, it's like living in hell on earth, if he hadn't put this terrible fear into me I wouldn't be so tearful and upset all the time. Court I don't know how I will cope if he gets contact.xx

Whether you like it or not your daughter has a right to relationship with BOTH parents without fear of interruption, disruption and interference from the other parent.

If you have fears your daughter may be taken abroad and never to return then you can put that in front of the court with evidence and the court will put measures in place so that cannot happen.( I know some one who had a prohibitive steps orders preventing his ex taking the child to Brazil).

You sound like you are in a state of heightened anxiety which may transfer to your daughter - this is not good for her.

Sounds like you need more that just legal advice.

If it does go to court be prepared for a protracted process dependent of course of the approaches of both parents.

When we parted I let him come into the home to spend time with her, because It's only right, but because of his negative jibes and insults towards me I had to stop it, he never did or said anything in front of her , I would like him to have a relationship with her it's the right thing for the child both parents, but when the father of your child says things like come on are you ready we will be going to Canada soon and mommy won't be coming , and then when I'm alone he tells me it's not a joke, it's evil, and frightening, I've lived with the taunts for 6 years so he wouldn't take me to court and I wouldn't have to see the day when she goes, but it broke me down so much, I could take any more, obviously she goes to after school clubs and has friends etc, but I have never been out on my own anywhere without her, I just can't let my guard down, it's the power some people have over others. I have tablets and councilling but no amount of tablets will help with fear , it's what you go to bed with, it's what you wake up with.x

Look, I do know how scary the fear of child abduction is, but you've got to manage your anxiety. Objectively, is he doing this just to scare you, or is there a real reason to think he'll do it? Does he have citizenship of another country, does he have family there, does he have property there?

If he does take you to court, you'll be in a better position if you offer contact in a contact centre rather than if you try to block it entirely.

Are his threats all verbal? If you end up in court, it would be helpful to have him making this kind of threat in writing. If possible, don't have any verbal exchanges with him and say that you will reply by email. You could try emailing him to express concern at his verbal threats to remove her from the country - it would be interesting to see how he replies.

There are laws that would help you if he did try to take her away - the Hague Convention says that if he took her away, he would have to return her to the jurisdiction. Canada and Germany have both signed - you would be able to get her back if he took her there. There is an organisation called Reunite that specialises in this area of work.

Honestly, I think if he genuinely intended to do this, he wouldn't be talking about it so much. Chances are that he's yanking your chain. Don't give him that much power over you. Have a plan of action in case the worst happens, then put it to one side.

Make sure your dd knows your phone number by heart - not specifically for this, but in case she ever gets lost. She is old enough to ask an adult to call you. If he did take her away, he'd presumably still have to send her to school, and she'd be able to tell an adult there. Logistically, he'd have an extremely difficult time disappearing with her in any Western country.

I mean, offer him the contact centre now, before it goes to court.

He is from Pakistan he has family in remote parts there, he has family in Canada and places, before the relationship ended I thought he was working nights, I had no reason not to, he put his work clothes on, took his food, but one night I followed him on a tracker on the iPhone and wow and behold he wasn't going to work but going to his ex wife's house every night, and returning to mine the next morning as though he had worked, I followed him on this for a month and dropped out lots of hints to see if he would confess, but no the one morning I asked him 4 times until he confessed, then it was it, over, done , the end, so now I just have all this worry, I just need to sort out what I do first to get a order out and what forms I need to put a block on him taking her away, I was not married to him and his name is not on the birth certificate. I do not have any contact with him wot so ever, i just couldn't speak to him ever again, my daughter speaks to him on the iPad and FaceTime, which I would not stop her doing so, I just don't trust him and don't trust that he would not take her, because he will.

Your ex sounds like a narcissist and he seems to have been emotionally abusing you for years . I'm glad you have gotten away from him physically. Unfortunately he still seems to be able to terrorise your mind using the one thing you love dearly (your daughter).
I agree with Cleo , get your daughter a passport and keep it safe if it makes you feel safer even keep it in a safety deposit box in a bank.
You say he is not on the birth certificate? If that is right he cannot obtain a passport himself for your daughter and has no way of taking her out of the country.
Is there any reason to believe he would harm her in any way if the answer is no then you need to encourage your daughter to have a relationship with him . He is her dad . I'm afraid if you go into court and come across as paranoid that he will take her when he has no way of getting her out of the country , you would be giving him ammunition to say you are alienating him from his daughters life.

I really do what them to be together but it's so fearful if we had parted with out all the fear and distrust i wouldnt be so petfried, he has done this to me and i don't know why , i have looked after her so well, she just has everything all my attention, time, etc while i have always put myself last, the way i am with het and treat her so good, he should have never of been so evil and tormented me so badly, he is evil and twisted , and has put the fear of hell into me, i will never be with him ever again, i just needed advice about how the courts work so i know what to expect, so many children go missing .

The best advice regarding court is that you need to present as being calm and rational about the risk - you need to persuade the judge that there is an objective risk, and that this is not a mental health issue on your part.

You should be saying:

• objectively there is a risk because of his family ties in Pakistan (include any evidence of his family there)
• there is a history of child abduction within the extended family (evidence, eg. affidavit from the other child's mother)
• he has made threats (ideally you'd get these in writing via email, but alternatively, keep your own records: "On x date, he said y".

For these reasons, you believe there is a genuine risk of abduction. You are facilitating contact via Facetime, but are opposing direct unsupervised contact for the reasons set out.

Talk to Reunite and Rights of Women - they have helplines and should be able to advise about the legal steps you need to make.

Also, if he did disappear with her, there is a thing called "All Ports Alert" which you can do via the police. Get information and have it to hand.

It's important to take practical steps - it makes you feel more in control of the situation.

Thank - you for that advice about the alert, I have come to a decision and I'm going to leave my nice new home in the midlands and rent a home in Devon, my mom and dad are going to help me with money for rent for a year.until I can get better and find work, if nothing else I will be able to breath with out the threats and fear from him, he can find me and take me to court but at least I will be stronger and have a better life way from him, as long as I'm here I will never be free of fear.x

Dear god that is a dreadful idea. He can prevent your move, and if you moved without his permission and he took it to court it would look very very bad for you.

Do not move unless you get his agreement.

How can he prevent my move, I was not married to him, he is not on the birth certificate, for once in my life I have to put myself first and think, what is best, what will get me out of this hell and what I need to feel better, stay here and be terrorised for the rest of my life,, he face timed her last night at 8.30 when she was in bed , she as a 6 year old had to tell a grown man her dad, I was asleep you woke me up, no consideration or care for anyone. I asked do you miss daddy, do you want to see him, I will take you to see him, and she said no, she obviously isn't that interested, I can't call him back into the home because he's been evil to me for 6 whole years, we have been parted for 4 weeks, and I'm just about starting to feel a bit of a person. It wouldn't look bad for me because I would explain I could take no more.

Not being on the bc makes it easier, but you have clearly acknowledged he is her father and she has an existing relationship which will inevitably be disrupted by such a move. Just leaving would paint you in a very bad light in court, particularly as you have no links down there, no job.

The FaceTime is silly - why do you let her have an iPad/phone with her when she's supposed to be asleep. That ones clearly partly your fault.

He can prevent your move by going to court and getting a Prohibited Steps Order. I am not saying he would definitely be able to get an order preventing you moving but he could definitely try.

Telling the court you can't take any more will achieve precisely nothing. It will look very bad for you if you take yourself off to Devon like this. It will look like you are trying to prevent contact. It will look like you are acting unreasonably. That makes it less likely that the courts will decide in your favour.

New life, new start, can leave the down depressing fear, intimidation etc behind and find peace, iv'e only been away from him for a short while and the difference in life is already so good, just need to feel better, if I ever want advice mum net is certainly the wrong place to look. xx

What is the point of asking for advice if you are going to reject good advice because it doesn't say what you want?

You posted in Legal Matters, so you are getting the considered opinion based on your legal position.

If you want fluffy bunny hugs and aw Hun you run away it'll be fine you are in the wrong places. Posters are trying to help. You could make things much worse for yourself if you unilaterally decide to take your daughter a long way from a father she has regular contact with and has lived with up to now.