My husband's girlfriend's house

[ErictheHalfaBee]

New to this, so please be kind!

I have recently discovered that my husband of 24 years has not only had a girlfriend for the last three years but has bought her a house and a car. I'm devastated as you can imagine. Of course I will be seeing a solicitor ASAP, but does anyone know if I am entitled to a share of the property? I'm not sure if it's in his name, her name or joint names yet.

He also owns a small business jointly with his business partner. Am I entitled to any of that? I know, I'm so naive. I should have seen it happening but I've always left all the finances to him. Stupidly trusting of me. She's half my age (and his).

[PyongyangKipperbang]

I very much doubt he will come out of this with a life companion once OW realises that the cash cow expects her to fill the role of chief cook and bottle washer. Once she realises that half of his money went to his legitimate wife and so there isnt much left for fancy holidays and what have you. Chances are you will end up in a much better positon emotionally than him.

I know you cant see it now, but trust me, he will not come out of this with any sort of dream life at all.

[Tequilamockingbirdturd]

I feel for your awful situation, I would Get a financial investigator in to follow the financial slug trail he's bound to have left. Sorry if anyone has suggested this I've not read all the posts. Even if the house is in her name I would imagine if his money has paid for it (and you can prove this) I would have thought you would have a case? That's my best guess

[Tequilamockingbirdturd]

I know a really good solicitor in Sheffield, she's known as the "Rottweiler" across the city (Vanessa fox)

[Tequilamockingbirdturd]

You could do with getting hold of the keys for his office and going in while no one is there. My sis was in a similar position and me and her went to his office after hours with the keys.... we found, receipts, diaries, all sorts of paperwork and bank accounts etc, we also found "a lot" of cash in the safe that somehow just "vanished" (wink wink) be careful for cctv thou. We also bought an old iPhone with a sim and put a tracker on it (so an app like what we have to track kids phones) we fully charged the phone put it on silent then hid it in his car.... so we could track his movements which revealed "her" address and also another bank that was visited frequently. In addition to a lap dancing club. Keep what you know under wraps for as long as possible, very difficult I know... maybe give yourself chance to pee in his wine and put dog food in his curry!! I'm sending you a bucket of strength and a big hug

[Tequilamockingbirdturd]

I found out about My husband of 18 years whilst we were on holiday (in the middle of nowhere to my advantage) basically a fluke text got through to his phone that was very telling, so I saw the text while he was out.... I stayed calm after throwing up. But I confronted him and basically made out I knew more than I did and said she had called me prior to the holiday. Eventually he spilled the beans and admitted it, we stayed together as we had a six month old daughter but it ultimately it killed us and we divorced 5 years later. He's going to notice something is wrong so maybe tell him you've had some really bad news about someone that is really ill (that he doesn't know) and that's what's upset you/shook you up. My advice is eat 3 times a day even if just half a slice of toast, my doc gave me some diazempam (muscle relaxant) that I took one each evening they helped to ease the stress away in a massive way. I was rushed to the docs 24 hours after finding out as had been retching for hours non stop, I was given a jab to stop this. I never thought I would be strong enough to cope and survive a divorce but I did and you will too with the support of friends and relatives. Do you have a really good friend away from your close circle that you could confide in? I know it's a cliche but take one day at a time, your still in shock and processing it. Please pm me if you need a friend to talk too, I'm the other end of the country to you but I'm here. Also use the samaritans if you feel really low, middle of the night can be a tough time, you will never be alone you have your kids for a start xx

[ErictheHalfaBee]

Well, after lots of investigation I have discovered the address of the house and found that they are joint owners. So they probably have a joint bank account and credit card. Plenty of info to give to the lawyer! Deep down I still feel that if he came to me and apologised I would forgive him. Somebody give me a slap.

This is so painful.

[Picklepickle123]

No slaps here! Only hugs and kind words

I'm so sorry he's done this to you xxx

[PyongyangKipperbang]

I wouldnt assume anything about joint accounts etc given her comments about him being harder to get money out of. Could well be that the house is the only thing they share, which makes it easier for you in terms of the divorce.

I would love to be a fly on the wall when she finds out that you are entitled to 25% of her home, but she sounds like she will soon move on to the next monied mug. I hope she hurts him like they have both hurt you xx

[Squishedstrawberry4]

You are making great strides!

[ErictheHalfaBee]

I need to get hold of bank statements going back at least 2 years. Does anyone know if banks can supply this information? Also if I ask the bank, will he hear about it?

We have a financial advisor. Can I talk to him in confidence or will he be obliged to tell my husband?

I need to keep myself occupied to stop me dwelling on the past, and the future.

[FrenchMartiniTime]

A double life, that's shocking!

Don't tell him you know, swipe the rug from under his feet once you have your solicitor and affairs in order.

I would write down all the questions you need answered and show them to your solicitor, they know best.

[PyongyangKipperbang]

If its for your joint account then yes they should provide them and I cant see how he could find out, but if you have online banking then you should be able to download them and print them off yourself.

Seeing the FA would be something I would ask the solicitor about, especially if theya re linked to your business.

[beingsunny]

If you have access to internet banking you should be able to download the statements.

[Tequilamockingbirdturd]

It's only natural to want to forgive and have him back, that cos your thinking with your heart and you just want the pain to go away. When did you find out? Has it been weeks or days? If you did have him back I suspect you wouldn't be able to trust him again, he has lead a double life and going back to an earlier post where you said you felt like a fool.... you are in no way a fool your only crime has been to trust your husband of many many years, the stats about divorce rates is something like 50% of marriages result in divorce. Maybe he was planning on leaving you when your kids were older? That's why keeping what you know under wraps until a financial investigater untangles his financial trail about where money is hidden. When you get divorced both of you have to declare your assets and debts (full and frank disclosure) if you find out something he's not declared to your solicitor and it ends up in court cos you don't agree the financial split then the chances are the judge will wipe the floor with him and award you a bigger chunk of the assets. I've come across this with friends. Judges hate dishonesty and your twat of a husband has this running thro his veins. I would imagine the judge would look at wanting evidence about what deposit she has put on the joint house? The more evidence you get of everything financial before he starts hiding it deeper the more you will come out with. In time you will start to realise dates and occasions where he has been galavanting and while you have been looking after and raising his kids. I suspect he is serious about this other woman to go as far and as risky in getting a property in joint names. Although you hate the other woman, if she was single she didn't have anything to lose... your husband is the one that has played Russian roulette with his family. Eventually you will need counselling but for now keep your head up, cry when you can, you will go through a grieving process and it's important you allow yourself all the emotions in order to heal, it will take a while and it's going to be difficult, his old are your children? Hope your had some breakfast and another thing is careful where you keep notes, the sleaze bag is very clever he could easily spot a divorce solicitor phone number. We are all here for you to offer and support and suggestions. You are most certainly not a fool!! I'm impressed you haven't lost it tbh, this shows how strong you really really are, the ultimate revenge will be holding your head head high and remaining calm in front of him. MAybe write an email about how you feel and don't send it to anyone, this is good therapy and helped me a lot. You will be running on nervous energy so try to get fresh air as often as you can. You are doing amazing 👍🏻

[KatyBerry]

When you say he sold his business and made a lot of money, if it really is a lot of money, then i would suggest you go straight to one of the London firms who are used to dealing with high net worth divorces where the rules are slightly different and different options are available (particularly if your younger child has ongoing care needs). WHile their hourly rate will be higher, they will know the right forensic accountants, they will have been there, done that all hundreds of times adn therefore should spend fewer hours figuring it all out. For those situations, I would advise Levison, Meltzer Piggott or Sears Tooth.

[GoatsFeet]

Yes, but he has a lovely young woman on his arm, lots of sex and lots of money

I know something of what you're feeling. BUt honestly, 20 years on, my life is so so so much better than his (well, I have no idea what his life is like actually, nor do I want to except from idle curiosity).

I think part of the problem is that women are socially conditioned to see marriage and the husband & life etc as a "prize". And that we have to live with & through others. We're not trained/ socialised to live entirely for ourselves, to do just what we want, and to feel that just being ourselves is sufficient. You being you is enough - you need no other justification. And you can go on holiday on your own, and have adventures for yourself, not just with or through someone else.

And also, you'll have at least half his money, and in your case, I"d be pushing for spousal maintenance, given that your younger DC is home-educated. And he will have to actually parent his children on his own when they are with him. He will learn what real family life is like, rather than his playing at it.

[Tequilamockingbirdturd]

I suspect he will have a stash of cash somewhere, if you find it I would be tempted to take it and declare it to your sol (or keep it but if you got found out this could go against you)

[GoatsFeet]

Well, after lots of investigation I have discovered the address of the house and found that they are joint owners. So they probably have a joint bank account and credit card. Plenty of info to give to the lawyer! Deep down I still feel that if he came to me and apologised I would forgive him. Somebody give me a slap

Fucker. What a downright nasty fucker. (your soon to be ex, that is).

[KERALA1]

Eric the Bristol contact I gave you specialises in tracking down assets seriously if large estate I would try her x

[ineedmoreLemonPledge]

I hope the OW dumps him shortly after the divorce!

She very well may OP, if your mutual friend is correct about her gold digging and she ends up having to remortgage the property to buy him out because you are taking a share of his assets, spousal maintenance and child maintenance.

Plus I bet she hadn't factored in having his children visit EOW and for half the school holidays. I hope there are enough bedrooms in the property for that!

You are doing brilliantly- stay calm, get the evidence and get the solicitor working for you. Play the long game.

Don't think of the future as lonely. Think of it as peaceful. You will only have yourself to trust, with no suspicions, doubt or pain.

And you will be ok.

[ErictheHalfaBee]

God I love you mumsnetters!

It's been 5 days since I found out, although we've been living separately for a few months now (he told me he was staying in a holiday flat we have). He said he needed time to think, but definitely didn't have another woman (!) and definitely didn't want a divorce. He has been planning this for a long time so he's had plenty of time to stash money away. I've been looking at photos taken of us around the time that he was setting up home with OW, we seemed really happy and like a 'normal' family. Our oldest had just done his AS levels.

I get the impression that all is not entirely happy though. He came to visit at the weekend and looked really miserable. I asked what was wrong and he said that something had happened a couple of years ago that he really regrets, but he didn't want to discuss it. I find it hard to be sympathetic!

[ErictheHalfaBee]

I'm feeling much more optimistic. I have lovely, genuine friends and family who will love and support me. He is surrounded by people who love his money. When that's gone he will have no one.

It will be hard, but me and my children will be just fine.

[PyongyangKipperbang]

Sounds to me like he thought he had a nice "bit on the side" squirrelled away and actually got a professional mistress who expects her services to be well compensated for. Trust me, they exist.

And I wonder if thats why you have just found out about it. Funny that a mutual friend just happened to be told about whats going on when he isnt throwing the cash around anymore. Could well be that she is putting pressure on him with the threat of telling you if he doesnt carry on with the life of luxury.

No wonder he doesnt want a divorce, he knows what it will cost him!

[BitOutOfPractice]

He's gping to have plenty of time to "think" when you confront him isn't he OP?

Do you have keys to the holiday home? I bet he's got papers there. Go and search.

[BitOutOfPractice]

Tell him you're going somewhere with friends for the weekend and he needs to come to the marital home to look after the kids