My husband's girlfriend's house

[ErictheHalfaBee]

New to this, so please be kind!

I have recently discovered that my husband of 24 years has not only had a girlfriend for the last three years but has bought her a house and a car. I'm devastated as you can imagine. Of course I will be seeing a solicitor ASAP, but does anyone know if I am entitled to a share of the property? I'm not sure if it's in his name, her name or joint names yet.

He also owns a small business jointly with his business partner. Am I entitled to any of that? I know, I'm so naive. I should have seen it happening but I've always left all the finances to him. Stupidly trusting of me. She's half my age (and his).

[Mummyoflittledragon]

Posted too soon. What a pig. I'm sorry you're going through this. You sound very level headed and the children sound like they've got at least one sound parent.

[PyongyangKipperbang]

I was going to suggest the electoral register or 192.com may have it if you know her name and the town.

If the house is in his name then you can put a charge on it. This will alert him to the fact that you know, so its best to wait until you announce the divorce, but it means that he cant a) hide it as you have proof and b) sell it without your knowledge or permission.

[ArsenalsPlayingAtHome]

No practical advice, but I would definitely speak to a private detective to find out approximate cost of them finding out the address of the property asap, as you have suggested.

I hope he hasn't been as clever as he thinks he has, and has slipped up & put it in his name.

There are no words to describe him, but as for OW...how on earth anyone could shack up with someone who is prepared to be that underhand & sneaky is beyond me. And most people have known about this for quite a while and said nothing .

You sound incredibly together, OP, which will be a huge source of comfort & strength to your DCs. I hope you have people to support you.

[ErictheHalfaBee]

Thanks everyone, nice to know I have some support on Mumsnet if not in real life. Believe me, I'm not as level headed as you might think. This is my second night with no sleep and I've been having panic attacks. I'm trying to make myself eat small amounts, I have no appetite. It's like I'm in some weird parallel universe.

Yes, he sold a company about 7 years ago and we became quite wealthy overnight. It didn't affect my life much because the children were still very young, the youngest has mental health issues, but the money went straight to his head. He bought a couple of sports cars and some motorbikes and clearly a young girlfriend completed the package. She must've thought she'd landed on her feet. The reason the mutual friend decided to tell me was that the girlfriend complained to him that it was recently becoming harder to get money out of my husband. He (friend) became aware that she is only after him for one thing.

[UsedToBeAPaxmanFan]

Would your mutual friend be prepared to give you the OW's address?

[ErictheHalfaBee]

He didn't know the address.

[yoursforthetalking]

Hi and welcome to MN,

So sorry about your lying, cheating husband.

I'm a bit surprised by all the posts suggesting you try very hard to find out where the house is etc. I think it's much easier to hide money, and that's where you should focus your efforts in the current period, before he knows you know. If you aren't eating etc, how long before he realizes what's up? So I would start looking for bank statements, online passwords, that kind of thing. The OW and house (physical) can't disappear, so I don't think that bit is time sensitive.

You do need a great solicitor asap. I would focus on that too. You can ring some of them up, and see how you get on with them for an initial free chat like someone else said.

You can also post this on legal to see what they say there. I tend to think another poster is right - it's not an automatic 50/50 but a sharing out of the assets. What you need to do now is make sure he doesn't twig you know and visit his own accountant and lawyer and hide them. The land registry isn't going anywhere, it can wait. The money I would not be so sure about. He can get rid of his bank statements and be quite naughty in what he admits to having or not.

Look after yourself. Many similar threads, one quite dramatic one just this last few days where MNer found DP was cheating.

You don't say if you have DCs or if OW has DCs, that complicates things emotionally and financially of course.

flowers

[yoursforthetalking]

Supposed to be of course. Sorry, typing fail. Late.

[happymum73]

If you know her name you can search electoral rolls on 192.com. You might have to pay £10 for full details.

I'm sorry you're going through this OP

[Startoftheyear2017]

Hi Eric I'm sorry to hear your story. Lots of us are going through similar crap so you'll get lots of support from MN.
Please take things slowly. Make sure you eat. Sleep will come (one day) but without food you can't function. Put sugar in your tea, eat a chocolate bar - anything that gives you energy. Find a lawyer as they can tell you everything.
As PP have said in time you will be able to see his bank statements for the past 12 months, which should help track his money.
Go and see your GP. I'm on anti-depressants now and they've really helped. They take a little while to take effect so the sooner you start, the better.

[Snowkitty]

So sorry you are going through this OP. I caught my DH out with an OW last year, and ended up spending about 6 weeks gathering evidence and getting my ducks in a row before I confronted him. He tried to deny things for quite a while, even when it was clear we both knew he was lying. I think he thought a lot of what I was telling him I knew was guesswork, eventually he realised I wasn't guessing and admitted it, but it took a while even after that for him to admit the full extent if what had been going on. I think in his head he thought he could limit the damage. Like you, I had my suspicions, (without any evidence), and he'd denied it when I'd asked him a few months earlier.

it was incredibly difficult carrying on as normal, but it was definitely worth it because he didn't get chance to cover his tracks and I also unearthed a few other shitty things he'd been doing that affected me and the DC, and I might otherwise never have known about thanks to his damage limitation attempts.

You may be able to find out a rough idea of the address with a bit of detective work of your own:

If you can access find my iPhone you can keep track of where he goes.

If he has an iPhone and you can get into it, look in Settings / privacy / location services / system services / frequent locations. This will give you a list if places he often goes.

If you can do either of the above, using google earth will give you a street view of the area which may also help. I was able to narrow it down to an apartment block this way.

A lot of people on here will assume you are of course going to LTB, but If you do decide to try and work things out (we have, though the affair had 'only' been going on for about 6 months and turned out to be a slightly bizarre 'sex only' situation), then it will be a long and difficult journey to which you both need to be 100% committed. Having couples therapy with a really good counsellor is getting us there, I don't think we would have been able to get this far without it.

Thinking of you, you're in shock and you must be going through hell right now, but it does get better eventually.

[ArsenalsPlayingAtHome]

Oh Eric, some friend

What yoursforthetaking said with regards to gathering evidence re bank statements etc.

But, if the house is in his name/joint names, and he gets wind of OP knowing what he's up to, can't he quickly transfer it all into OW's name?

If that's the case, wouldn't that then mean that it doesn't get taken into account during the sharing of assets?

Make yourself eat OP . You need your wits about you, and can't afford to risk him knowing that you know just yet. At least until you've sought legal advice.

What an absolute prick.

[Westray]

Sorry but you also need an STI check.

[Squishedstrawberry4]

OP can you get to the GP about your panic attacks

[PoorYorick]

I hope the OW dumps him shortly after the divorce

It's entirely likely. I'm sorry you have to go through this. Your strength is admirable.

[KERALA1]

It's irrelevant in whose "name" marital assets are in. Honestly stop asking for legal advice on the internet or looking for "free" solicitors, get some recommendations and go and see a proper solicitor who specliases in matrimonial law.

[Wallywobbles]

Ok so if you've got access to a fair amount of money say a couple of thousand get recommendations from discrete divorced friends, collègues, acquaintances or whoever for who is a good divorce lawyer. There are some big London names but they come with big prices tags. (Do this today because once word gets out that you know the game will change.)

Then get appointments with them all. This is helpful in 2 ways. If they've seen you they can't see him. And finding a lawyer that "fits" is harder than you might think. Mine was my 4th and has had my back for 9 years of court cases with my litigious ex.

In the meantime:
start looking for and copying all the paperwork you can find.
Open a new bank account online away from your usual bank and put in as much money as you can that won't be missed. Move any child benefit payments etc to it. You can also transfer half the contents of joint accounts but that will give the game away so the timing needs to be carefully done.

Make sure you have a clean email address that he does not know about or have access to via other devices.

Assuming you've a smartphone download Evernote and an app like Scannable which will scan documents using your phone straight into Evernote. Evernote is accessible from everywhere and syncs automatically. (You might need to upgrade it but I think it's good value for money.)

Mortgages
Bank statements (back as far as the business sale if possible)
Passports
Investments
Car, bike, boat, racehorse etc purchases
Pension statements
And anything else you can think of.
Any receipts for dodgy purchases - so not for you or kids

Then write a time line of what you know.

So married in x
House bought in x
DC1 in x
D.C. Problems diagnosed in x
Sold business in x
Bought stupid toy in x

This helps the lawyers and is useful for you in working it all out.

Leaving is going to be very simple for him because he already has a home to move into. His nest is feathered. Good luck and do as much as you can as soon as you can. Save the timeline for when your brain is whirring at night.

[Squishedstrawberry4]

Honestly kera stop getting at people for seeking support when they have hit rock bottom in the middle of the night.

[eurochick]

Kerala' post is one of the most useful on here. The support is great but there is lots of legal misinformation on here that isn't helping anyone.

[lizzyj4]

By that logic Kerala, there shouldn't be a board on MN called Legal Matters at all. If that's your reasoning, I'm not sure why you are here at all except to kick people when they're already down. The OP has already said she is going to see a solicitor asap, she has asked for recommendations, and at no time has she said she expects a free consultation.

[SleepFreeZone]

He won't be stupid enough to buy a property and hand it over to a girlfriend. He will own the property and she will be living in it.

[SouthPole]

Am so sorry OP.

Nothing to add except I know a very good matrimonial solicitor in the West Midlands area if you're around there. She's a bit of a bulldog and takes things quite personally on behalf of her clients - which means she really goes the extra mile.

You need to be able to visit your solicitor though, at least initially. The rest can be done via email and phone and mail.

Really good luck to you.

Keep your powder dry my love. Get thee to a solicitor asap and start planning your exit.

Two can play this hideous Machiavelli game he's forced you into.

I am sorry for all your pain, I really am.

[ErictheHalfaBee]

Update- I have an appointment with a solicitor later this week. I will book in a couple of others later. A very kind private investigator has said he will help me do a bit of research at no cost. I feel less sick now I am taking control, but my whole world has been shaken and I feel foundationless if that makes sense. I'm very paranoid, I don't know who I can trust any more so I'm not telling anyone anything. This is not how I imagined my life would turn out.

Thank you to all the lovely people who have posted encouragement. It really means a lot.

[needsahalo]

You will help yourself keep your head by being concerned with practical arrangements. Seriously go through the house with a fine tooth-comb and get copies of everything - anything from DWP paperwork with his NI number on to bank statements, savings, investments, even premimum bonds! You can copy and put back. Be systematic about it and totally ruthless - you need evidence of everything.

If he has managed to buy a house without you knowing, that would suggest you at least have some separate bank accounts and/or he has put money to one side without you being aware of it (ie. he's opened his own accounts). There WILL be evidence of this somewhere so make it your mission to find it.

When you have all this paperwork, you can amuse yourself (and it will be amusing, believe me!) by going through it. Make a spreadsheet. Log expenditure on things you have no idea about eg. £500 in John Lewis or £200 in Ernest Jones. Also keep an eye on cash - what cash do you know he uses? Is he drawing out more than you would expect? Credit cards are a good place to hide stuff so check there as well.

Be aware that the courts will struggle to help you if there is no evidence an account exists or they can't see a transfer of money. So if he's been saving into an account you knew nothing about, they just can't accept it on heresay that he's been doing that (even if the judges concerned know you're not lying). This is crucial stuff.

If he's been involved in the relationship for some time, he will have got careless. They get to a point where they think you're daft and let their guard down. So just get digging!

I am sorry you are going through this. There will be a time to grieve but don't let him know until you've had a chance to find all the paperwork. It really will make a difference to how things work out for you going forwards.