We can't agree on what's fair post separation - legal help please

[HearMeSqueak]

XP and I have very different ideas about what is fair it seems. We've been separated for a while but still jointly own the property the children and I live in.

We've mostly been amicable and made arrangements informally but I think we need to tighten things up now.

I'd like us to draw up some kind of agreement but I suspect we'll need a mediator or legal adviser to assist us.

I'd particularly like to firm up arrangements regarding the family home, the children, my car and finances.

Are there any family lawyers on here who can give me a steer?

Pleeeeease!

If you ask a specific question you might get an answer. At the moment it isn't clear what you are after. But your best bet is to see a lawyer who specialises in family law.

Thanks

For a start are you married as whether you are or not makes a massive difference to the finances. Is there a mortgage on the house or do you rent? Which of you earns the most?

We're not married, we have been separated for nearly 18 months and have tried to work things out informally so far but it really isn't working.

XP wants things that I don't and vice versa.

XP works full time and I'm a SAHP. We are joint tenants with a relatively small mortgage.

Oh dear.

Are you in Scotland OP? Or elsewhere in the U.K.?

What do you want, what does he want?

How old are the DC? In all honesty he has no obligation to fund you being a SAHP as you weren't married.

I'm in the UK.

One of the main issues is that I want XP to not spend as much time in the family home. XP wants to spend some weekends here with the children.

I think it causes confusion for the children and it makes me feel very anxious.

3 DC between 3 and 10

When you say UK do you mean England or Scotland - the law is very different in this area between the two. Let us assume England.
So you are not married. In England therefore you cannot claim spousal maintenance.

Do you have a deed of trust between you as to what shares you own the property in? Is it held as tenants in common or as joint tenants? Do you won 50% of it each? Is your child/children under school age or over school age?

Well he's going to have to find somewhere else to have his family time with the DC, he is being unreasonable tbh.

Where does he live at the moment?

I'm in England - sorry for silly answer.

He pays me 'maintenance' but less that the CSA recommended minimum amount.

Joint tenants, own 50% each.

DC are pre-school and school age.

XP was living with parents, has recently (last month) rented a flat in the same city as us.

XP's view is that he can spend time in the family home because he owns half.

He dismisses my concerns about how confusing this must be for the DC.

If he cannot afford a property in which the DC can live with him during his time, because of the costs of the former marital home, then one fair option is to sell it so each of you can have place that has space for them.

You really do need to see a lawyer for more specific advice on your circumstances. Make a clear list of everything you want answers on (eg why is the car relevant - if it's yours why is there any dupisoute about it?)

And as an aside, you need to get back to work asap. You'll have to fund your new household, and fill any gap in your pensions contributions if you can.

Well he's not paying the mortgage and CMS maintenance is he...

Tell him you want a key to his flat then and you'll stay there whilst he's at the family home!

I don't think a judge would ever support the arrangement as being in the DC best interests.

He is paying the mortgage. He insists that I don't claim housing benefit because it'll reflect badly when I apply for a mortgage in the future.

I go along with it for an easy life.

I have been looking at jobs but It's tricky to find something to support us all financially and not be rippled by childcare costs.

I've got something in mind but I won't realistically be able to start until the beginning of 2018.

The car is mine it XP uses it quite a bit.

Actually it's not an easy life at all. I go along with most things to try and be fair and to be amicable.

XP is very critical of me when at the family home, usually about it being untidy or whether I need to keep certain items.

Can you explain why you think it would be confusing for you to see their father in their home?

Well you can't get housing benefit on a mortgaged home I'm afraid.

I would tell him to give the car back and start paying the CMS level of maintenance. Look into a mesher order to stay in the house if you can afford the mortgage without any additional help?

You should be entitled to notable help with childcare costs if you're on a low income?

I have a friend whose XH would stay in the house during his weekends. She allowed it, thinking it was kinder for the children and would only happen until he sorted himself out.

Almost 3 years on she's still paying for a hotel room every other weekend so he can stay with the kids!

As others have said, you really need some legal advice. Because you're not married and a SAHP your situation is tricky and you need some advice. Sorry to be blunt but you need to stop worrying about what he says or where he sees the DC and start focusing on your financial plan.