Can you solve this? I'm at a loss!

[Lalex1234]

My brother is in a very controlling relationship and his partner has 2 teenagers from a previous relationship, and 2 toddlers with my brother. My dad has a terminal illness and he is 60 next year and we want to go away on holiday to celebrate. My brothers OH has refused to go saying she can't afford to take all the kids. I have offered to pay for the holiday and she said she'd discuss it with my brother. She has since said that my brother is not allowed to take his kids because she doesn't want to go and has hidden their passports.

Can someone shed light onto what can be done in this case? This seems to be the last straw for my brother and he wants to leave with his children and allow her to have shared custody, but they would live with him during the school week. Can you offer any advice or things he would need to consider if he were to apply for custody in this circumstance?

There is a lot more to it than this, but wanted to keep it short-ish 😊

I think it would be best for your brother to go alone. If his wife is the main carer he is unlikely to end up with the chidren during the week.

Even though they live together and they are his children too?

He should separate the issues here.

First - the holiday. Assuming your brother has PR, neither he nor his partner gets to have the last word about the holiday. Your brother should suggest mediation with his partner if they can't agree, and as a last resort he could apply to court for a specific issue order giving him permission to take the children on the holiday.

Incidentally I wasn't clear whether her teenagers are being included - is this part of the problem?

Secondly - arrangements for the children if your brother separates from his partner. The question is - what is best for the children. If one parent works full time and the other parent has done most of the child care, that arrangement is likely to carry on. Would your brother or his partner be working, or looking for work? How would that fit around the children's needs?

Thanks for your answer. The teenagers have been included. It one doesn't want to come so that is why his gf doesn't want the family to go. He can stay at his dads if he doesn't want to come but the gf doesn't want to leave him behind and so is refusing to let any children go.

At the moment his gf takes the kids to school and my brother picked them up, feeds them and puts them to bed. On a Saturday they look after a child each and ferry them to various clubs and parties. On a Sunday by brother plays football and his gf cleans the house so I share child care with my mum and dad.

In the school holidays my brother takes time off work to look after the children even though his gf only works part time. She carries about her usual routine and he takes them places like museaums and theme parks, and I often go with him or help out with child care as I am a teacher so can support them in the holidays.

They do need to go to mediation and the gf is refusing. I am under the impression that she wants to make my brother leave so she can live by herself with the kids. Does anyone have any advice on what to do in this situation also? Such a long and complicated story but he is really upset about it at the moment and I feel helpless! I also know that if he leaves her, she will use the kids as a weapon as she has done with the other fathers of her teenagers, and I'm worried I will not get to see them on a regular basis either....

that is so odd she "cleans the house" on sundays and you care for the dc.

he needs to see a solicitor get advice.
offer mediation.
if she refuses go to court.

if he is main carer after school he could certainly argue for fifty fifty or some kind of logical arrangement

In your brothers shoes I would leave and ask her for contact - but beware she seems the sort to allow it until something upsets her!

Once he leaves - he should then consider going to court for set contact. Then at least it is set in stone otherwise he will be at her mercy for a very long time!!!!

Thanks for your suggestions, it's so hard to deal with as he is always treading on egg shells so that he doesn't upset her because she flies off the handle! Last time he confronted her, she refused to spend Boxing Day with us and we haven't seen her on family occasions since! When the kids were babies, they would just cry all day because they missed their mum and not enjoy Christmas :(

he wants to leave with his children

This is a bastard suggestion, but needs must.
He stays, with the toddlers. Change the locks so that she and the teenagers have to find alternative accommodation. Chances are she won't be able to find somewhere big enough for five people so she can't have the toddlers full time.

What is the situation re ownership of the house. I note you say partner, not wife.

Babies E.g. under two would not cry all day missing a parent..they can be easily. distracted.
maybe older child if they 've been conditioned .
But he needs to get legal advice
And get some counselling and build his confidence

Thanks for the reply 😊 everything is in her name as she is very controlling. The house is rented and she has moved him and the kids about 20 miles away from his family so if he were to move out, he would probably have to move back to my mums. I'm unsure what she would do as I don't think she could afford the house on her own... unless she gets a shed load of benefits...

In that case it seems very unlikely your brother will get to be the main carer.