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Legal matters

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Original poster

Custody etc

11 replies

whatsmyname2017 · 02/05/2017 09:12

Sorry if this has been posted millions of times before. I am currently going through a separation (not married) with 2 DC.
I'm going to get some legal advice when I can get an appointment but wondered if anyone can give me a rough idea of how we go about sorting custody etc. He has already said he will seek legal advice and have a suspicion he will try for joint custody.
I don't want this because he has absolutely no means to get the children to school/nursery because he starts work at 7am in the morning. He doesn't have any flexibility at work, where as I do.
If he did want to file for joint custody, would they take this into account?
For the record, he has shown little interest in the children up until now, this is all for show but I am worried he will try this.
Also, if he does get a solicitor and try to get joint custody, how much would it cost me to get a solicitor?? I just couldn't afford it.

OP posts:

NewIdeasToday · 02/05/2017 09:15

Why not let him apply joint care of your children and then take responsibility for arranging his working life around that?

Original poster

whatsmyname2017 · 02/05/2017 10:21

Yes I suppose I could but I really don't want him having joint custody if I'm honest. I can't see him being able to organise his work around childcare because of the job he does. So hoping it doesn't come to this and he will see sense.
I just want to know what the process is to prepare myself.

OP posts:

AliceTown · 02/05/2017 10:38

What do you mean by "joint custody". Custody doesn't actually exist anymore. If matters need to be resolved by the court (and this is best avoided really) then they make an order stating who the children live with (this can be both parents) and who they spend time with.

What sort of arrangement do you want for your children? Every other weekend?

Original poster

whatsmyname2017 · 02/05/2017 11:03

This is why I'm asking the question about this process, as I don't know about 'custody' or however its termed now.
Firstly I know the kids needs come first. I am the only one who can fully meet their needs in terms of getting them to school/nursery. He simply can't (unless he's going to suddenly get a new job with flexible hours).
Secondly, my youngest DS doesn't have a very good relationship with his Dad, mainly cos he doesn't bother with him. In fact he does very little with either of them so I know that any attempt to have them 'jointly' is only for show and not because he wants to spend time with them (so again not in their best interests)
Ideally I would prefer if they lived with me and happy for them to stay over at his house on alternate weekends (or part-weekends each week) and even having them for tea mid-week. I'm happy to be fully flexible and can't stress enough that I don't want to stop him seeing the kids and want them to have a relationship.

OP posts:

MrsBertBibby · 02/05/2017 11:31

There is no such thing as custody, joint or shared, in English law.

You both have parental responsibility, assuming his name is on the birth certificates.

ComtesseDeSpair · 03/05/2017 13:34

It doesn't matter and won't be taken into account whether he is able to personally deliver the children to school - he can arrange for childcare before and after school in exactly the same way working parents either single or coupled often have to. If he wants 50/50 residency it's up to him to sort out. As others have said, it's best for it not to go to court at all, and if the two of you can sit down and agree that 50/50 isn't ideal for childcare reasons it'll be much better all round.

In terms of his parenting ability, you need to demonstrate actual and serious failure to respond to their needs which would make 50/50 unsuitable: you can't just make vague claims that he's not as interested in them as you are. Indeed, it's common for dads who were relatively disengaged beforehand to really step up and become involved, active parents following relationship break-up and them needing to take on a bigger role.

slug · 03/05/2017 14:04

What do you think will happen if you appeared really pleased with the idea and expressed happiness at the thought of regular child free time?

Is it possible that he has not thought through the reality of long term, regular, parenting?

RebootYourEngine · 03/05/2017 14:12

Unless you think that their dad will be neglectful towards the dc why would you not want him to have his children regularly.

Is getting the children to school a big thing for you? I am a single parent and i dont even get my child to school every day of the week due to work. This is quite normal for working parents. There are other means such as family members, friends and childminders.

JanetBrown2015 · 03/05/2017 14:30

I work full time and have the children 365 nights a year (their father's choice - silly him) and if I have to elave at 4.30am for a business flight or have 3 days abroad for work then I arrange care just as fathers do when the children are with them.

The best arrangements work out by agreement and as people say above the word "custody" was abolished.

What do you think would work out best for you both? Presumably money will be tighter as you will be keeping two homes not one so you might need to get back to full time work so in that context it might be a lot easier if you each had the children half the week or week on week off. Or you might agree say he has them Sunday morning every week and delivers them to school on Mondays if they are school age and perhaps has them after work on Wednesdays but they sleep at your place.

Original poster

whatsmyname2017 · 03/05/2017 15:30

We've not actually discussed it yet. It would be easier if they slept at my house mid-week simply because I can do the drop offs and he can't. Money will be tight so I doubt he can afford the extra childcare and, he starts at 7am so childcare isn't even an option.
I'm not trying to be awkward, I'm being practical. He starts at 7am!!

I'd be more than happy for him to collect them mid-week (he finishes work at 4pm), take them home for tea and then back to my house to sleep. In fact, he could do that every single day during the week if he wanted, it would make my life easier.

Obviously weekend might be an argument as this is quality time but happy to share weekends too.

I'm trying to be practical more than anything else but he won't see this! I'm just trying to prepare for him.

OP posts:

RockPaperCut · 03/05/2017 17:20

I think your best bet is to mediate.

If your stbxh is anything like mine he won't listen to well thought out proposals, unless they're coming from a third party.

H has been trying to force an agreement for 50/50. I wasn't going to agree it as I felt it unfair on the children. I was happy to agree to EOW Fri-Sun with one or two afternoons collect from nursery/school, have tea then home for bed.

He works 15 hour days and there's little flexibility. It turns out he's now moving back to his London batchelor pad and we'll be 40 miles away so practically 50/50 wouldn't work anyway.

Don't present him with any solutions. I've found it's better for him to reach his own conclusions. Let him come up with proposals and tell YOU how he sees it working. At which point you can highlight the flaws in his plan. If his plans are well thought out, then you have little choice but to try them out. They're not set in stone, if it doesn't work you can always shuffle things around. After all the needs of the children will change with time. Good luck!

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