Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Legal matters

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you have any legal concerns we suggest you consult a solicitor.

Flip

Original poster

Shared custody

13 replies

Seethesigns · 28/12/2016 15:27

I want to separate from my husband.

There is no abuse, although he is a difficult man to live with.

I am concerned he will challenge to have our two sons (aged 4 and 1) live with him 50% of the time. I want them to continue to have a strong relationship with him but feel that 50:50 is disruptive.

My 4 year old adores his dad, although will want me in times of real upset.

We both work, me four days and my husband 5. I took a year of maternity leave both times and my husband was not interested in sharing the leave.

I believe the boys would be best with me, staying with their dad every second weekend and maybe seeing him one evening during the week and his house and with their dad coming to us for dinner another evening when possible.

What is the likelihood that we would be forced to share time 50:50, or worse that my husband would be granted the main care?

OP posts:

TeaBelle · 28/12/2016 15:30

Every other weekend is very little IMO but 50 50 isn't the only other option. Each case is very individual so you would be much better getting proper legal advice.

gettingtherequickly · 28/12/2016 15:34

I think there are quite significant regional variations. I know the courts in yorkshire are leaning more to 50:50 care when that's possible.

Speak to a local solicitor who specialises in family law and they'll be able to give you advice.

Everytimeref · 28/12/2016 15:38

In these situations you need to put yourself in other persons shoes. Would you be happy only seeing children EOW and once during the week?
50/50 is very workable if you plan to live close and is probably the fairest whilst children are young.

Original poster

Seethesigns · 28/12/2016 16:00

I will seek local legal advice thank you.

My husband has chosen to take holidays without us / continued to work full time (we could afford for him to reduce his hours and his work would be willing) / chose not to spend time with our children by taking parental leave. Therefore while I agree that one night a week and eow is too little, I also think that 50:50 is not the answer. Not for me, but because I don't think it is good for a 1 year old to spend too much time away from their main caregiver (me).

He has a short temper and is quick to anger. I really wanted for us to all stay together, but I don't like the example he is setting for our sons.

OP posts:

SmellySphinx · 28/12/2016 16:09

Trying to sort something between yourselves would be the starting point.

Then mediation, then the family court would have to decide. Mediation is needed to have been considered before you can apply to court unless there are other issues such as domestic violence. It's all about what is viewed as the best outcome for the children. Not what the parents want, logistics aside.
By the sounds of the way he conducts himself at the present time, I would think he would be very reluctant to start off with or continue with a 50/50 agreement. It may seem like a good/tactical idea to him now but the reality will be different.

He has no more rights to demand 50/50 contact than you have unless you're both willing to work things through very amicably. His temper doesn't seem to fit with that although that could be attributed to a lot of things within your relationship possibly point scoring?

Original poster

Seethesigns · 28/12/2016 16:18

I want to try relate first, but would like to plan for the worst if it doesn't help or if he is unwilling.

I want what is best for my children. I would rather stay than have them have to live 50:50 and not have a permanent home, but I want our relationship to be a positive example and at the moment despite my efforts it just isn't.

I just don't know what to do.

OP posts:

caroldecker · 28/12/2016 16:37

There is no real reason he could not argue to be the main carer, he may even drop his hours to do so. If you really do not want to risk 50:50, then you shouldn't leave.

Original poster

Seethesigns · 28/12/2016 16:43

He is unlikely to drop his hours as he likes to have as much money as possible.

Surely if the fact pattern is that he is not currently the main carer then it would be a weak claim?

I take all responsibility for organising all childcare, activities, healthcare etc.

OP posts:

Ellisandra · 31/12/2016 00:04

My child is close to 50:50.
We're 4 nights and 3 nights but flexible so very much 50:50 for weeks on end / holidays.
She doesn't not have a permanent home
She has TWO permanent homes, both of which she feels very settled in.
At school when she did an "I live..." sentence in French class, she wrote "j'habite à et "
Please don't say my child doesn't have a permanent home.

You are, I think, unrealistic suggesting he have tea with you as part of the contact. He's a difficult man and you're divorcing him - that's difficult enough without new partners, later. When you have your new home, your sanctuary, do you really want him in it?

A one year old does not need to see the same caregiver every night. You realise that plenty of people in perfectly happy marriages work shifts, right?

My XH was also uninvolved when he could get away with it, it was me that did everything and took leave and went 4 days initially. Divorce has been great for his relationship with our daughter, forcing him to parent.

I don't think you can assume that 50:50 isn't a good idea. You need to put aside what you want and think about what is best for the children. I hate not having my girl every single night - but she has two equally involved in her daily life parents, and that's far better for her.

caroldecker · 31/12/2016 00:56

There are many examples of fathers doing more after a split, just as there of fathers disappearing. You cannot dictate the contact time and it may start less than 50:50 and move towards that over time, nothing is guaranteed or set in stone.

babybarrister · 31/12/2016 08:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 31/12/2016 09:00

I want what is best for my children. I would rather stay than have them have to live 50:50 and not have a permanent home

That is a contradiction.

They would have 2 'permanent homes' if it was 50/50!

auntym · 06/02/2017 08:40

Be very careful would be my advice. I am separated from a very controlling / angry man and he has essentially forced a shared care arrangement which I do not agree with. Start as you mean to go on and don't let a "status quo" evolve in the beginning which you can't live with long term. We cannot communicate effectively at all now and it's extremely stressful. If you can stay and keep your family together - do. The alternative isn't necessarily any better.

Flip