Access

[Jojojo1701]

Hi my ex is taking me to court after mediation for more access. I've always believed I've been more than fair. Can I ask what access your ex get please?

Can I just add he gets every Wednesday and Friday overnight. Every other Monday overnight. We alternate birthdays and Christmas each year. He take her on holiday 3-4 times a year. Sees her most days in the school holidays too. Is this unreasonable? I'm scared I might lose my beautiful dd

What does he want? 50/50?

how old is she? My DD goes to her dads every other weekend from 5pm fri to 6pm Sunday. Also used to do an overnight midweek too but now we don't live in the same town it's just alternate weekends.

School hols we split between us and share Xmas and birthdays

He has them for tea twice a week

So he gets more than most then. I have no idea what he wants to be honest. Dd is very happy with the situation as it is. Well she was a few weeks ago. To be honest when he has her he's rarely there. His girlfriend does almost everything. When they go on holiday he works quite a lot. I'm not happy about that because he works in the adult business if you know what I mean.

Unless he's shooting porn at home with your DD there I'm not sure his job has any relevance to how much access he has.

Well, at present he gets 2.5 nights a week, 5/14 over a fortnight. Any weekends?

It doesn't really matter what anyone else gets, circumstances and needs will differ. If he gets no weekend time, I can see court thinking that might be a place to start.

He gets Friday from school until Saturday afternoon. He takes her for weekend away whenever he asks. I'd be more than happy with him having every other weekend and I get the other. I just don't see why it's come to this. After 7 years. I was just curious as to how much others get I know it's not important. Was just curious. That's all.

50/50 would be ideal

Why would any particular split be "ideal"?

Ideal is what makes your daughter happy. And generally, kids like things to stay more or less the same.

If his girlfriend is actually going to be the carer, not him, then that's not "50:50" anyway.

Because it is about the child, and seeing both their parents is ideal. I just wonder how many resident parent would be happy to take the 'offer' you think is fair to the other, non resident parent.

My sone goes to his dada on Wednesday afternoon until Saturday afternoon every week, he also goes overseas to the uk for 2 weeks to see family and has occasional weekends camping. We have a pretty much 50/50 care arrangement and are happy to flex

Sorry, auto correct!
My son goes to his dads

How can he be taking you to court after mediation and yet you say you have no idea what he wants?
That makes no sense.
Surely the basic start point in mediation is the parent wanting the change saying "this is what I'd like".

Personally (and this is from parent point of view not child, tbf) I don't think it's fair that outside of holidays he doesn't get a full "leisure" day. The Saturday is cut short.

Have you asked what he'd like? My ex is also asking for 50:50 despite having been offered every other weekend (pick up on Friday from school and drop off to school on Monday) plus one overnight visit and 50:50 holidays split (including an extra week with him). My dcs are too young to have their school week split too much, so we're letting the judges decide as he won't negotiate.

Of course seeing both parents is not just ideal but incredibly important. I just wondered what it is about 50:50 that is better than any other arrangement.

I just wondered what it is about 50:50 that is better than any other arrangement.

To turn it around, what is worse about it?

I know many people that 50/50 works very well for the DC.

I think it works well in cases where parents can put their differences aside and focus on what's best for their children. It requires good organisational skills on both sides, open communication, and trust.

I don't think it does. I've done 50/50 for 10 years and we've got through phases where there was disorganisation, barely any communication and hardly any trust.
Obviously it's better if there's co-parenting but 50/50 can work just fine with parallel parenting too.

50/50 means the child sees both parents, doesn't feel forced to pick one over the other, shows that both parents are equally invested, interested, and focused on the child which is great for their mental health. It also means the parents are better supported, put the child first and take equal responsibility for the child they created together. Neither has to 'carry the burden' financially or logistically of being the main carer-the load is spread. There's so many plus points for it, and with a bit of planning it works on all levels.

For this who think 50/50 is too difficult, or disruptive, have you asked /offered for your ex to have the child the majority of the week to avoid too much 'back and forth' you're worried about? If not, perhaps you need to consider if it's actually about what the child wants or needs at all....

My children were pre school age when we started and have thrived. There is also barely any backwards and forwards. I take them to school on. Wednesday morning and they go home with exH, and then they come back to me either Sat morning or Sun night.

It's a consistent routine, they have what they need in both houses. I genuinely believe my children are better off having a full relationship with both parents than spending every week day in the same house.

Of course if there is parenting that genuinely isn't "good enough" then you'll run into difficulties but that's more about poor parenting than about a 50/50 split.

On top of being very young, I was also very young. I was 21 when we separated. He got someone else pregnant within 8 weeks, in our marital bed.
We still managed to co-parent (or parallel parent at times) effectively.
We had CAMHS involvement at one point because my eldest was suspected of having ASD and we were complimented on how well we managed to co-parent, especially given our young ages, and the woman said she wished we could go in and speak to other parents about what's important and what works and what isn't and what doesn't.
I genuinely don't understand parents that put their grievances ahead of their children's needs, and then put forward flimsy excuses for it.
Thankfully it seems the family courts are beginning to see through this now.