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Child contact

3 replies

user1480882368 · 04/12/2016 20:31

First ever post so please bear with me.
I have an 8 year old DS, been separated from his dad since he was tiny. Contact was every other weekend until 18 months ago when the ex and his wife were having issues. They have split up and my ex has a new partner (which he introduced to my son without telling him he was no longer with his wife!) my son had not stayed with his dad in this time and contact has been very hit and miss, normally when I ask him to have him. Back in the summer when he introduced his new partner and her children my ds started to refuse to see his dad as he did not want to spend time with new partner and her children. Sat down with dad and explained he felt left out etc. Ex and his partner split up and ds seemed to enjoy spending time with his dad again, albeit very irregular still.
Fast forward to now and ex back with partner and demanding he has ds in the new year eow and overnight.
Explained it needs to be built up as not stayed or even had consistent contact for 18months - was told he was his dad and that's what would happen. Had a chat with ex and said he needs to be putting ds first and spending time with him etc
Ex invited ds round today to put up tree - dropped ds home and as soon as he left ds burst in to tears and never wants to go again. The partner and her girls were there the whole time and they were hitting him. Told his dad and he "didn't seem to care or do anything about it"
If I approach this with ex I will get told I'm brainwashing him but also feel the need to stand up for my son and get my ex to see how much he is hurting ds and sidelining him. Told ex back in summer how damaged their relationship was due to lack of contact and ds feeling pushed out and yet we are still in the same position.
Any advice gratefully received x

OP posts:
MrsBertBibby · 04/12/2016 22:55

Does your son tell his dad any of this, as far as you know?

Are the partner's children older or younger?

user1480882368 · 05/12/2016 01:46

He doesn't at the time as he is so worried about dads reaction. I end up being his voice at times and then we have sat down and discussed issues.
Yesterday he said he told his dad they were hitting him and dad didn't do anything and in my sons words "didn't seem to care"
The partners girls are of the same age and one younger.

OP posts:
MrsBertBibby · 05/12/2016 09:33

Ah that's rough, poor lad. I wonder if there's an element of assumption that it's ok because it's "only" little girls doing this.

From a legal viewpoint, there's no order in place so you don't have to do anything, if you do not want to, it's for his dad to take it to court. The chances are, if he did so, none of this would be adequately addressed, let alone resolved, because court is a very blunt instrument, and very dependent on the individual judge and cafcass reporter you land up with.

What I fear you are stuck with is a father with zero idea that relationships are plants you have to nurture, hence his string of relationships, and the on/off crap with the current one. Unhappily, it takes a tremendous quantity of neglect and even cruelty to finally kill off a young child's love for its parent (survival stuff I suppose) so your poor boy has a world more pain to go through, whether you try to cut his father out now, or try to fight on to make him be the dad he should be.

No one can say with any confidence which course will be the least damaging for your son, because to do that you would need a crystal ball. It is however fair to say that you can't control his dad's behaviour, or make him change unless he wants to. Clearly he expects to passively receive his son's love without doing the active and protective work of loving him back, as if he is still a child himself.

I am guessing these women vanished from your son's life as soon as they were out of Dad's? He knows how disposable love objects are to his dad. Poor kid, no wonder he is so upset.

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