Divorce - help on agreement and strange requests from H

[lilyblue82]

My H and I are divorcing after 9 years and 2 kids aged 2 and 4. I have legal advice, he hasn’t so he is quite struggling with the law at the moment. We are in the middle of mediation and things are very difficult. As a background: over the last three years he has been a total pain in the ass, had an affair whilst I was pregnant with my second DC, told me that he doesn’t love me anymore when I was 8 months pregnant. My baby was born early, I had placenta abruption. He cheated on me before having my first baby too. My life has been an absolute nightmare. Why didn’t I kick him out of the house? Somehow I thought things were going to get better. It obviously didn’t. We tried couple therapy but he didn’t give a shit about working on our marriage, he packed his bags and went long time ago. In August 2015 I began to think about divorce and as pure coincidence, I met a guy who fell in love with (paid him back).

H assaulted me early this year, one day before I had my appointment with the lawyer to file for divorce.

We unfortunately still live together. He doesn’t bother to find an accommodation, I still wash his clothes (mental) and I spend most of the week ends on my own with the kids because he is off entertaining himself. He is out most of the nights (I only go out once a week) and when he is around, he spends most of his time chatting on his bloody phone or staying at his bloody laptop.

The financial agreement so far is for me to stay in our house. BUT he just told me over the phone that if I decide to go and live with somebody else, I must find another accommodation. Is that reasonable?

Can I also ask in the agreement that I don’t want him to be on his phone whilst he is with the kids? What else can I ask? I want to be a total “reasonable” pain. I don’t want to waste my money but I need him to stew.

How is being a pain and getting him to "stew" going to help? It'll just prolong the agony and stupidity for both of you.

Go get some proper advice re, divorcing and getting him out of the house and don't play silly tit for tat games.

I agree get proper advice.
Some mescher orders ( where sale of house is delayed till children grow up) have a clause about cohabiting bringing forward sale, so yes that could happen.
It is high unlikely that you can have a clause about him not being on the phone.
Being a 'reasonable' pain is almost certainly going to cost you more money in mediation court etc than just being reasonable.

Am I reading this correctly? You want tips on how to be a pain? That's going to mean that you won't reach an agreement in mediation and you will be stuck living together until a court makes an order, also meaning that you will waste money. Sorry to say it but you need to take a mature approach, forget what he did that caused the marriage to end and take a purely commercial and pragmatic view, with the aim being to resolve matters ASAP.

His request that the property be sold if you cohabit is likely to be problematic for you. It would be perfectly reasonable for spousal maintenance to come to an end on cohabitation (and this is frequently agreed). However, the reason for sale being deferred is presumably that you are using the house to provide a home for the children adequate rehousing would not be possible if it were sold now. If you cohabit for 6 months, it would be unreasonable to expect a new partner to provide accommodation for you and the children and would also cause potential future issues if the new relationship broke down. So, no, that is not something I would advise you to agree to.

However, you did say 'if I go and live with someone' which sounds like you would be leaving the home. Did you mean this? If you voluntarily left the property (presumably with the children), sale would be less unreasonable and I would expect him to bring the matter back to court. So don't move out.

The thing about being on the phone is irrelevant as far as the finances go and should be recorded in a separate agreement. Try not to mix the two issues (mediator should help with that). And, that sounds unreasonable from your end. You cannot dictate to him what he can and cannot do when he has the children (unless it was something like not drinking, smoking weed or taking coke etc).

Try to get this sorted out so that you no longer have to live together. It sounds toxic. You don't need to wash his clothes either- if you are doing so, it's out of choice.

In respect of the cohabitation triggering sale, you could suggest instead that remarriage triggers sale. Or 'permanent cohabitation' (although this is difficult to define). I would be unhappy with a clause just saying cohabitation though, as this could potentially cause serious hardship for the children if the new relationship breaks down.

Also, how old are the children? How long is it envisaged that you should stay in the house? I would be a bit reluctant about a long-term Mesher order (where you sell at a future date and give him his share) if the children are young. It would be better for you to either take the property outright (which could be possible if you have other assets/remortgage that your husband can have or if you have low equity). Alternatively, have you considered whether downsizing (if you got the majority of the equity) might be a possibility? That way, you will have more permanence and less future potential hardship on sale.

Don't do anything for him, make life uncomfortable to get him to move out.
Did you report the assault?

Im sorry but if he owns the house he has every right to stay there and why do you just assume that he has to move out their would be nothing stopping you from moving out. with the house going for sale if you cohabit i think thats totally reasonable. Why if you start living with someone else should you be living in a house you own with your ex ? Would you be happy if he moved a gf into the house you own. You also never said if he still pays any of the mortgage ? If you pay any of it ? You cant expect him to pay for you and a new bf housing.

When i moved out my ex expected me to keep paying the mortgage which i did for 6 months ( while having my own bills to pay and she had a new bf 3 weeks after splitting from a 7 year relationship) i stopped when she refused to sort the house to go on the market. Year and a half later its still not up so court soon for that.

My ex also said i assaulted her but what she meant by that was she was slapping and punching me and i grabbed her wrists to stop her and im the bad 1.

I feel kind of sorry for him because you sound like your going to be a nightmare you shouldnt be wanting pay back or to be a pain you should be wanting to sort everything out reasonably so you can both move on with your lives with out it all hanging over your heads.

Hi,

First of all the assault was him putting his hands around my neck during an argument HE started. It has been reported to the police and he has been arrested.

There is nothing to feel sorry about him, to be fair. He had an affair whilst I was pregnant, do you think he's been honest???

He can go and live with somebody in his home, why can't I? It doesn't matter where I live, I am going to pay my mortgage in full.

Get proper legal advice.

I know it's very emotional but don't do anything with a view to piss him off. Just do what is best for you and your children.

Stop doing things for him, look into getting an occupation order.

Courts are long and stressful don't start being pissy with him it will only prolong your agony. You just need shot of him to be able to live your life. Concentrate on doing that.

@runningincircles12 . Thank you so much for your advice. The children are 2 and 4 now and I have no plans in the mid term to leave the house, unless the relationship with the other guy takes another direction. It is unlikely that I would ask the guy to come and live with me but I need to think about any possible scenario for my future. By "go and live with somebody else" I meant co-habiting. I will be very reluctant to give up my property.

@mummytime Police was called, he has been arrested.