Any family lawyers about? My ex is refusing to sign papers for my son's passport

[Hesjustabigknobheadwithnoknob]

I will try to make the long story as short as possible...
8 years ago I had a child with a psycho, a man who abused me mentally and emotionally for over a year and already had a family (found out after getting pregnant - I was young and stupid, what can I say...)
When DS was born he would hardly ever come to see him. I got so desperate I once told him DS was ill - just to make him visit his child!
When DS was 1, I moved to a bigger city to study. I was a full time mother, full time student and had a part time job. It was hard but I really wanted to go to university and I was not going to

I will try to make the long story as short as possible...
8 years ago I had a child with a psycho, a man who abused me mentally and emotionally for over a year and already had a family (I found out after getting pregnant - I was young and stupid...)
When DS was born my ex would hardly ever come to see him. I got so desperate I once told him DS was ill - just to make him visit his child!
When DS was 1, I moved to a bigger city to study. I was a full time mother, full time student and had a part time job. It was hard but I really wanted to go to university and I was not going to let anyone or anything stop me.
So I graduated, got a job, met a guy and had DS2 in July this year. I have basically moved on and the man I am with has been a father figure to DS1 for 3 years now.

In September I contacted my ex because I have to renew DS' passport and his response was: will I be able to see my son? And I was like errrrm yes, he will be there but do not call him your son. To which he replied: I want to spend some time with him.
I was shocked and just furious. A huge argument ensued which resulted in him basically blackmailing me, saying he would not sign the papers for the passport if I did not allow him to see DS.

So now come the questions:
My ex has seen DS about 4-5 times in the 8 years of his life. It was usually a quick meeting to sign the passport papers. AIBU to think it is a complete injustice that he can deny DS a passport? AIBU to be furious that he DEMANDS to see DS after 8 years of being an absent parent, not paying maintenance, not giving a damn, basically?

I could really use some advice on how to deal with this situation :-(

Let him see your son. In a public place with you and another adult if you think he's a threat.

A passport renewable doesn't need both parents to sign.

I don't think both parents need to sign the passport forms but you do need his permission to take your son out of the country (assuming he has PR).

You've got two separate issues here really. One of contact, and your son has a right to a relationship with his father though obviously the level of contact needs to take into account that your son doesn't really know his father. The other issue, of travel without the other parents consent, you would need to go to court to get a specific issue order for.

No your ex definitely doesn't need to sign the passport! My sister's situation is very similar to yours. On rhe passport application she just filled in her own details. It said that if you weren't filling in the father's details to state the reason why at the end of the form so she just wrote that her son's father had been absent for x amount of years. She received the passport with no problems.

As another poster mentioned, technically you're supposed to travel with a signed letter from anyone else with parental responsibility to say that they've given permission to tale the child out of the country. However my sister has never been asked for a letter. I k ow someone who was asked what relation rhey were to their child as the child had the father's surname so the mother showed the child's birth cert that she'd carried in her hand luggage and was allowed through with no problems.

I'm sorry, I should have mentioned it's a foreign passport and the consulate need both parents to show up and sign

Just coming back to this thread - he isn't refusing to sign the passport application, he's asking to see his child in return for signing it. He may have been feckless in the past, but is it so bad that he wants to see him now? Maybe he's seen the light and now wants regular contact? Maybe he'll see him once, sign the application, etc and you won't see him again for months/years? I don't think you should refuse him contact, although I appreciate it could be unsettling for your DS.

You shouldn't have said he couldn't call him his son, whatever you think of him.

Lucky son that his father is showing an interest at long last. I bet you're pleased.

Ermmm he abandoned his child for 8 years, calling him "feckless" is an understatement. Of course it's going to be unsettling for DS and it's something I'd like to avoid!
Why should he have the right to call DS his son if he hasn't fulfilled his parental responsibilities? Surely being a father is more than just having his name on the birth certificate?

Thanks, Noctilucent. I am in this situation where I don't qualify for legal aid but I also can't afford a solicitor (on maternity leave right now). But once I go back to work, I guess I will have to spend some money on proper legal advice. DS doesn't know my ex or his family so can you imagine me just "letting him see his son"? It's like leaving him with a stranger!

And just like you, I'm amazed at some of the posts. I won't lie, some of them made me cry. Surely I deserve something more than "you should let him see his son." I've never denied him access! I went to the extent of lying that DS was ill, just so my ex would come and see him, ffs!
But everyone seems to take the absent father's side..! What the hell..?!

Oh Christ - I didn't mean to upset you OP. I'm sorry. Just thought that telling your ex he couldn't call your DS his son was kind of guaranteed to kick things off rather than achieve what you want.

If it's American passport there are rules when they waive the requirement for the other parent to give permission. Maybe you have that option if you look closely. Good luck

Thank you! I completely understand that my son has rights but I hate the fact that my ex thinks that he can just barge into my son's life after 8 years of no contact and not a penny of maintenance. If I let him see my son and then he just disappears again, it will be extremely upsetting for my son. So yeah, it's not easy.

It's pretty delicate. Surely your ex can see that? Could you say that as he is really young and has had no contact with him that it would be really unsettling for him to be introduced to him as his dad at this stage?

I did tell him that but he took no notice and kept saying DS had the right to know who his father was. It's clearly to satisfy his own ego rather than for the benefit of my son.

Probably. But he is right that he is the father and he does have a right to see him, despite everything. You will just have to work out the best way to manage this to protect your boy.

I'm lost for words, really...

I did go to csa, we agreed on a certain amount, which he never paid.
And it's my son, thank you very much. I've looked after him all on my own since day 1 (because I'm so selfish and my ex is obviously not) and I won't have someone just barging in and disrupting the life we have built. Why would he resent me if he actually has a father figure in his life? He's not missing out on anything, my partner has been a dad to him for 3 years now.
Thanks for the overwhelming support and understanding, though!

So I have no right whatsoever to be upset about the whole situation? And I have no right to feel that it's unfair that he just wants to come in after I've done all the hard work? Seriously?
Funny how everyone has jumped to judging me yet not a single person has said anything about a man who has not seen his kid for 8 years. I was hoping for someone to actually recognise what a shit and unfair situation this is but obviously I've come to the wrong place.