spousal maintenance

[boredbylaundry]

Trying to look online for answers... Seems rather a " grey area" .

Been divorced 4 years , DS 9 lives with me ... Diagnosed with mild ASD . Sees his father 1 or 2 weekends a month ( XH choice it is not more as he is " not my babysitter" .. Nice guy )

Acrimony from ex towards me has never gone away . Frequently verbally abusive in email communication regarding handover times etc . I divorced him as he was physically abusive done , dealt with ... Been for counselling and moved on . Am a survivor not a victim .

Ex is a high earner . Divorce was long and drawn out , had to go to court to fight . It was horrible . At final hearing was " awarded " child maintenance and spousal maintenance along with proceeds of sale of FMH . ( I don't think the judge liked my ex much )

I retrained and now work part time .. I had to give up my former career as a result of an injury when ex hit me on one occasion . We live in a modest house in an expensive part of the country , my mortgage is high but I chose the area for the school catchment so I take full ownership for that . I spend my spousal maintenance on the mortgage .

My question is ... I would like to move in with my DP of 2 years . Fabulous, lovely man , great with DS and his own. Very much treats all the kids as equals. He lives in another town and the long distance thing is becoming increasingly difficult to juggle with our work and kids . I have found a super school, albeit a private one .

I have tried for quiet some time to discuss this with my ex ... Plans for how he can continue to see his son regularly. And also finances .

I feel that if my DP is paying the mortgage on our new home I would use my spousal maintenance to pay for his school and suggested it stop when he is 18 or 21 . I asked XH if he was amenable... Just got a load of verbal. His response to everything is " you shouldn't have divorced me then if you want private school for your child " . But my argument is that because of his ASD our kid struggles with large class sizes and this is going to become worse at secondary level .

Spousal maintenance is a joint lives order .. It specifies Until I either remarry or my ex applies for a variation .

So if I move in with DP can ex just stop paying it ? WHAT IS THE LAW ?

I haven't ruled out the idea of marriage in the future but it's not on my radar right now.
DP does pay for extras like holidays and helps out with things for my son but he has 3 DC to support.

Does anybody have any experience of this???

Would be so grateful.

I am reluctant to get a solicitor involved unless I have to ... My ex spent a fortune on a barrister during the divorce ( I had legal aid as it was a domestic violence case but I shan't qualify again ) and I just so resented this money not going to our son .

Thank you xxx

Reduction of SM to a nominal amount would be almost inevitable. You'd need to return to court on a child maintenance application to ask for school fees. Given the history you'd need a medical report to justify the need for private education.

Thank you so much everybody
Yes it does look like more money needs to be handed over to solicitors ..... Does anybody have any idea how much I might be expected to pay for a consultation ?

My solicitor who dealt with my divorce was super but retired shortly after.

When my ex took me to court post divorce to get DS and self booted out of FMH i represented myself ( and lost against his fancy pants barrister ) . I did however get legal advice first from somebody at my old solicitors firm .... it was a charge of nearly £800 just for a one off appointment and the associated admin. She insisted on this upfront .

Aargh

I suspect DP would find the money to help me but I so want to keep things separate and also why should he

Don't forget you could always not have your new partner move in and instead spend the child maintenance on private schooling

Do you have enough money to use your spousal for your mortgage, your earnings to live on, and your child maintenance for private schooling?

Other options include moving to a better catchment area for a better (much cheaper) state school.

It depends on how much paperwork you give them.

Trim it down to the bare minimum.

They'll need:

1. The original final order.
2. Any orders varying that.
3. A summary of income and capital you both last had when the most recent order was made.
4. A summary of your income and capital now, and what you believe your ex has (though you may not have a clue here).
5. Medical report or evidence of needs justifying private education.
6. Prospectuses for various local state and private schools, together with a devastating argument as to why it must be this particular school.

Good luck.

Thank you collaborate... That is really helpful

Jeffsanarsehole .. Simple but genius name even to somebody who has never met Jeff

The thing is DP and I live far apart .. A long drive or a flight is required to get together . We could relocate and not share an abode I know ... But the bottom line is we want to share a home .

He is abroad a lot for work.

Why shoudl the partner not move though? My chidren's father moved hundreds of miles for me. Why do women always have to draw the short straw? Why should your son be uprooted fwom what he knows to move to a strange city just because his mother has fallen for someone else?

Grazia

Your point is very valid thank you .

However....

My DP has 3 children of whom he has shared care. He cannot relocate them .
I have sole custody of my DS.

Also I like where he lives and feel it would be a better place for my son to live .
It is my choice to move there . The children get on very well.

DP has so far done all the travelling to and from and was prepared to continue with this but we wish to share a home and be a family .

Before divorce we lived abroad for some time (when he was small ) and he sadly had to move home and schools more than once because of the situation with his father .
Lovely grandparents and cousins etc are abroad .. We do see them few times a year