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Legal matters

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you have any legal concerns we suggest you consult a solicitor.

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Original poster

live with mother in law and advice needed

17 replies

Rubywoo73 · 15/09/2015 18:20

I live with my mil, husband and 3 children. I didn't choose to live with her but a temporary stay 7 yrs ago has become permanent, his father died during this time and now she is 88 and her health is failing.
I have said over and over that I don't want to live with her and that I want my own place, but my husband has said that I'd have to go it alone if I want my own home, as he's not moving and wants to take care of her. He and I will inherit the house which is a very large Victorian property, but currently I have no stake in it, and I am frustrated by not having my own place. It could be years before she dies and I don't want to be a vulture waiting.
I'd like to know what my legal position is/options are should I decide to end the marriage or go it alone as as far as I can see, his life will remain the same, I would have to move out with not enough money to get my own place and there would be no shared asset I.e a house to split between us.
I am currently on mat leave and my job is permanent but not well enough paid to buy my own place.
Also, is my reaction normal or should I just put up with it? I really don't know but I cannot face this indefinitely.

I feel depressed, frustrated and trapped, not to mention hating living under someone else's roof with them constantly around. We are in Scotland.

OP posts:

AuntieStella · 15/09/2015 18:35

If you are living, presumably rent-free, with MIL - where has the money that would otherwise have been soent on rent/mortgage been going?

That's a marital asset, which you would have a share of, and could be the deposit for your next property.

If you are unhappy with this man, check now what income streams you would have on separation, and begin to plan how you could go it alone.

JeffsanArsehole · 15/09/2015 18:44

Where's your money going? Was there money from the last place you had?

Is it possible to divide the house up better and have your own space? What's your relationship like in general?

Is it him you want to leave or just the house?

JanetBlyton · 15/09/2015 18:50

So the house is in the mother in law's name and of course she might choose to leave it whoever she chooses subject to Scottish law requirements?

If so there are virtually no marital assets?

Or does your husband own the house?

Original poster

Rubywoo73 · 16/09/2015 11:32

Thanks so much for responding. The house belongs to mil entirely. There's no mortgage on it and she won't accept we pay bills but we do all the food shopping and cooking, housework and garden. There was no previous property so no proceeds from that.
We've only recently had a decent double income but his work has been sporadic. We have investments and money put aside every month for potential future university for the children. We've had money for a deposit, but was more his choice not to rather than can't.
Relationship is up and down and I'm fairly certain I'm not in love.

OP posts:

JanetBlyton · 16/09/2015 12:03

In my view this is not a marital assets or the husband's asset I am afraid.

I live with an adult son and no way would I see him having any entitlement to any of the value of the home.

He might never inherit the house - parents change their minds all the time or he might die before his mother. So the fact he might later inherit sometimes as indeed might you or that either of you might win the lottery etc is not relevant to divorce law.

It sounds very difficult.

Original poster

Rubywoo73 · 16/09/2015 15:05

Yes I am aware that I have no rights, which is something that I feel resentful of,especially as it was not a joint decision to move in with the in laws. I don't especially want rights to this house, but do want my own place.

If he dies first I get a small portion with the rest it to our children, so I'd be kind of living under my kids roof should all the hypotheticals happen, which would be really not ideal from a parenting perspective. The problem is that I'm trapped here because of it and can't see any way of leaving even if I wanted to, not to mention privacy and personal space and that mil takes part uninvited, in marital discussions. He's already made clear that if I want my own place, I'd have to do it on my own as he's not budging.

I've said to him countless times there are three people in the marriage.
I don't think she'll change her mind as his older siblings were all bought houses and he's the one left, but her health might fail and could need nursing home care. Who knows?

OP posts:

titchy · 16/09/2015 17:11

You'd only get the house if MIL dies first and MIL hasn't needed to sell the house for care costs. As his will stands at the moment you get a small portion of nothing.

Original poster

Rubywoo73 · 16/09/2015 18:42

yeah I know. I'm screwed. If I want to not live with my mil, it means divorce as he wont come and there's no house to divide up to help each person get their own place. What do people do in that situation?

OP posts:

Wombatinabathhat · 16/09/2015 18:53

You say you have investments, money put aside for uni (which must be a long way off if you are currently on mat leave) and money for a deposit for a house. You haven't had to pay any bills in 7 years.
You don't love your DH - so cut your losses. You'll get half of the cash/investments and can buy something for yourself. Where's the problem?

Cabrinha · 19/09/2015 00:47

This looks less like a question for Legal and more one for Relationships.

No, you haven't got a house to get a %value from in divorce... but then you've never paid for or had the cost of one either
What you have had is the benefit of very low cost living.

So - divorce him, divide up the marital assets that you do have, and go it alone.

Grazia1984 · 19/09/2015 14:14

I've never had any money I haven't earned or a house I haven't paid for so I suspect this is more a psychological issue on the thread - that somehow women who married are entitled to be given a home by a man or his mother. if you want a home earn enough to buy one yourself.

babybarrister · 20/09/2015 10:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ALassUnparalleled · 20/09/2015 16:43

I am not a matrimonial lawyer but I can't see how you have any rights at all in the house.

Your Mil is free to leave the house to anyone she wants. She could leave it to a charity or a friend. If she has legal capacity to make a will her son can't challenge it.

If she were to cut him out of her will completely he can claim "legal rights".

All her children are entitled to claim "legal rights". This claim is made on one half of the moveable property (i.e cash, furniture, shares, jewellery ) but not the house - it goes to the beneficiary in the will.

If she dies without a will all her children equally are entitled to share in everything. (I'm hazy about "representation " meaning what happens if she had a child who died before her but that child itself is survived by a child. I think such a child takes its parent's share)

If he dies first the house goes to whoever she left it in the will. Any legal rights your husband had do not transmit to you or your children.

If she dies after him with no will there is a complicated order of succession which might benefit his children but not you.

ALassUnparalleled · 20/09/2015 17:37

And the OP really should see her own solicitor. It is impossible to give anything other than a very general statement of what the law is- not how it applies in a specific case and OP should not rely on anything said here.

winchester1 · 20/09/2015 18:00

I'm in a similar position as we live in mil property she hasn't given it to her son because she doesn't want me to have rights to it if we split. Who knows I could kick her out too. (I wouldn't she's lovely.)

Lots of couple split with no assets or money and make their way as lone parents. I guess you need to look at what housing and benefits you will be entitled to and just make the leap and hope for the best.

ALassUnparalleled · 20/09/2015 18:23

Oh and OP depending on just how large and desirable this house is your husband might not inherit the house.

He will inherit what is left after Inheritance Tax. That might change but at present inheritance tax will be due if Mil has done no tax planning.

ALassUnparalleled · 20/09/2015 18:39

Winchester in Scotland a gift from your Mil to her son is "acquirenda" not matrimonial property.

"Matrimonial property is all the property belonging to the parties (or either of them) which was acquired by them:during the marriage orbefore the marriage for use by both of them as a family home. Gifts from 3rd parties are excluded.

May well be different in England.

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