Can I apply to court for parenting time with my 15yo daughter?

[mumx5inuk]

Hello, I have four children (28, 24, 20 and just 15) and my marriage of 33 years broke down when I was diagnosed with cancer four years ago. My youngest daughter turned 15 in July, and (as planned ahead of time) moved in with her father, who lives not far from me. The problem is that I have had zero contact since she went to live with him (he is still very bitter about the divorce and there is ongoing domestic abuse from him towards me.) No phone call, email, text,nothing. It has been the longest 5 weeks of my life. The latest development (just today) is that when I asked to attend a GP appt for her along with him, he said no. I reminded him that I have always included him in all of the children's medical care, in all of their school events. Just June 1, 2015, when my dd was still living with me, I invited him to the GP to discuss some of her anxiety symptoms (looks like ocd, not sure if it is) and he came with me. (By the way I run a child contact centre, which is now kind of ironic.) My question is, can I apply to the court for one hour of parenting time a week or is it a complete waste of time due to her age? He says that she doesn't want to see me or communicate with me, but all I have is his word for that. We didn't have a falling out, dd and me, but she wanted to live with her dad, and I said fine, you can once the summer term is over and she did. He made sure NOTHING came from me to his house with her. He has bought her all new school uniform, a new pink laptop, got all new medical kit for her. It's like he's erasing me from her life. He's very gleeful about her coming to live with him and rejecting me. (He told me, "I'm in the driving seat now! I'm in the f@#$ing driving seat now!!") Many thanks in advance for any comments or suggestions.

He can't stop you attending a GP appointment for your dd. All he can do is refuse to tell you when it is. You could call the GP and ask (presumably they know you from past years) and turn up.

The whole thing sounds hard. I have a daughter the same age as yours and she very much still needs me and her dad as parents. Not sure what would happen to her if one of us just got erased from her day to day life. I think in your situation I would just go around to his place and knock at the door to see her. and keep doing it until I saw her. I maybe stopped by after school?

I suspect applying to court will not play well given how hostile your ex is. God knows what he has said to your dd.

Would you ask one of your older children to intervene? maybe one of them could talk to your dd and ask her how she is and tell her that her mum misses her and would love to see her regularly? Or even invite you all over to their place to meet up. Then you could sort out a regular way to contact/chat/meet. It is definitely not in your dd's best interests to be taken away completely from one parent.

Thank you so much for your quick post, canyouforgiveher. When my mother came over from America in August for the first time in four years, apparently my dd "refused" to go for a meal with her grandmother unless he came too. (My poor mum hadn't see her in four years.) And with the gp appt, he texted me that she "refused" to go to the GP if I came. It's so frustrating trying to co-parent with someone whom you no longer trust. I don't know how much of what he tells me originates from my dd and how much is almost his agenda. If only he could move on and stop trying to hurt me. It just complicates the situation. I just want the focus to be on my daughter and what's best for her.

I think you need to give this time, although you may of course feel time is of the essence. If you have not had a falling out it is hard to comprehend her behaviour and his assertions that "he is in the driving seat now.." do seem to indicate her change of heart toward you is at his instigation.

I say this because it is early days in her residing with him and it is in the honeymoon period. Once the situation moves back to day to day living (not holiday time) it may well change. In the meantime I would keep contacting her via text, email etc but don't put pressure on her.

As for the legal side, she is fast heading towards sixteen and I think the courts may take a poor view of such a late stage application, although under normal circumstances you would be correct to do so. Your daughter's views at this stage would carry some weight and it would place her in a difficult position with her loyalties divided and where your differences could become wider.

However, someone with a proper legal background may well be along who has some experience of such a situation. I do hope you can resolve your differences with your daughter, but it is clear your relationship with your ex is damaged beyond repair due to his treatment of you.

Might your older children talk to her on your behalf? I'm sure he is working hard to keep you apart but it's difficult to know what her feelings are right now. It can be really difficult for a child to go against the wishes of the parent they are living with. If she gets on well with one of the older children, they could have a conversation with her when he wasn't around and let her know that you are desperate to see her. Her reaction will tell you whether there is any mileage in taking it further at this stage.

Heartfelt sympathy to you. He is a bad bad person and this must be so hard for you. But it may well be temporary. I really hope so.

Court orders don't last beyond a child's 16th birthday unless they are especially vulnerable or there is another special reason, but at the moment you are being completely shut out from parenting her, as well as spending no time with her and having no communications.

The court could make an order which allowed you to exercise parental responsibility - ie a specific issue order saying that your exDH has to inform you about GP appointments (and similar) and must not stop you from attending.

However, it might be a different matter to seek an order for contact time. A 15 yr old's wishes will be virtually decisive. If you made the application, at least you would get to know what she really wants, via an interview with CAFCASS or NYAS. But is there another way to find out what her feelings are? eg through family or her siblings, as other posters have suggested?

Can you text and email her directly? Are you doing that already? What happened at the dinner when your mum came over? Were you not there?

is it practical for your DD to come and visit you by herself, eg on her way home from school?

In your shoes I really would consider making a court application (you have to attend a mediation meeting first) but I would also try other approaches, to see whether you can reassure your DD that you still want to see her, and that she is not in trouble or at fault.

my experience is that courts, social workers and similar tend to deem DCs much younger than your DD capable of acting on their own feelings; a court would probably take the view that if your DD wanted contact with you, she could do so of her own volition, or seek support from school or other agencies to do so.

Saying that, I suggest you contact the school and let them know the significant change that has happened in your DDs life over the summer - ask to be kept informed, stay on mailing lists etc, and make arrangements to attend parents evenings, or just a catch up with her form tutor, independently from your DD and her Dad.

Drop her texts, emails or even postcards to keep the line of communication open - keep it light and not with any expectation of a reply; it just lets her know that you are still there and haven't forgotten her.

You might also want to read some of Karen Woodall blogs - she has done a lot of work into the psychology of DCs in this situation and it might help you to understand the thought processes that may be going on in her mind.

It sounds like your ExH is using your DD as a weapon to get back at you which is a pretty deplorable way to behave. This gloating comments about being in 'the driving seat' demonstrate that he is merely using her as a vehicle to get back at you. Did you have a good relationship with your daughter before your marriage broke down?

He's probably pumping her full of all sorts of vile rubbish. I'd be round banging on doors if it was me.