Child arrangement order

[Dutch72]

Please, please can someone help me? :-( I'm separated from my husband. He left after a string of illicit affairs, and has now finally run off with a work colleague. He has applied for a child arrangement order. All three of our children are refusing to see him. I have an 11 year old daughter, a 9 year old son, and a 7 year old daughter...

My solicitor keeps sending me his demanding emails of wanting contact with the children. I have tried everything, texts, FaceTime, Skype, emails, letters, meeting in the park, cinema, going out for a meal....him coming to our marital home, and I go out... But the children are point blankly refusing. What can I do? I simply cannot force them. It's the most unnatural thing to do as a mother. I have been interviewed by cafcass on the phone. They are going to recommend a section 7 to the court...where the three children get interviewed for their 'feelings and wishes'.

I feel my solicitor needs to be supporting myself and the children at this time, yet I feel somewhat intimidated and bullied into his constant demands. I am trying to organise contact, but after my three children have been put through so much emotional stress caused by him and his partner, they are some what reluctant.

They have told me that they do not wish for any over night contact in the future. And they do not wish to be forced into doing anything they simply do not want to do. Help!! Where shall I go from here? Contact a health care professional, and ask them to record my children's anxieties? Phone cafcass? Phone social services? I really do not know what to do, or where to turn to :-(( can a court force a child to have contact?

I agree. They must see their dad. I'm not opposed to any contact. But my three children are finding it very hard, that he was dating about her woman, as soon as he left the marital home. He told our eldest daughter that he had 'just got together with her'. Within 2 months, she had sold her house, and they are now renting a large 5 bed detached . My ex took our family car, sold it, and replaced it with a tiny 2 door car. He himself, has gone out and bought a large 7 seater new family car. My children are aware of this. The have seen it. He claims he has 'no money'. So, we have been financially 'cut off'. No luxuries for the kids like sky, the internet. Kids clubs out of school cancelled, as I can't afford to fund them.They have been upset by this. It's financial abuse, and the kids are the ones who have suffered.

Every year, we always had a family holiday to the south of France. We booked it last October for this summer. My husband took her new partner, and her two children instead! Can you imagine how that's affected my three? i couldn't afford a holiday for them ??

My daughter is 11, going on 16.... Lots of questions. Mum? What sort of a woman, divorced twice her self, goes with a married man, that's just walked out on his wife and three children? She sells her house with in '2 months' of dating him. Takes her children to live with him on a detached house. They are both sleeping together, with her daughter in the bedroom next door. What sort of a woman does that?! And he's still married to you mum! My daughter is horrified.

This woman that my husband is dating, is a detective inspector in the police too. She has been party to recording my children in the past, when they have had phone conversations with their dad. This I know, as on one occasion, she placed a second call... So that another party could listen in to what was being said...

All my children want, it to be able to grieve on their own time. See their dad, as and when. But they don't wish to be dragged round to his new house, and meet with his partner or children. Perhaps in anyways time, or when ever they are ready. Not when its dictated they should be ready. My husband just wants to force hem, and force them to accept his new life, and force them to live with him 50% of the time. My three children have expressed, they accept he has a new life. A life he chose. They do not wish to be dragged into it. He lives 10 minutes away. They don't wish for over night contact. That's what they are afraid of. I have told the children, that perhaps not now, but maybe in the future, they may wish to stay overnight? And if they do, then that's ok. But the children do notnwishntonhabe a firm arrangement in place, forcing them to. That's what they are afraid of.

I hope you have filed for maintenace....

Your children are too involved in things that they shouldn't be. And your ex is allowed to parent his children in a way he chooses, which includes introducing them to his partner. I hate to say it but the more you post the less reasonable you sound. You say you're not opposed to any contact but you are - you are opposed to it because your children don't want it, they don't want it because they are not being supported in it.

Protect your children. They do not have the emotional capacity to deal with what is happening so you, as their mother, need to soften the blows. I don't think you've posted anything that the courts will particularly be interested in other than your daughter seeing your ex attack him but even that would probably only warrant a few supervised contact sessions.

Children should hold their dad with the highest regard

Only when his behaviour warrants that respect.

I agree with Bellemere. As tough as this must have been for you, you should not be involving your daughter in the issues between you and your ex and she should not be privy to the details of his new relationship.

You are right. She shouldn't be. But she is a child... 11 years of age...going on 16... She is bright, and very intelligent...

She asked me..". Mum? What kind of a mum, dates a married man, that's walked out on his wife and three kids?. A wife that's a week away from a major operation on both legs, with a heart defect.

This woman dates my dad, and within 2 months, sells her own home, and then rents a 5 bed detached house, and drags her 19 year old son, and her 8/9 year old daughter. What must they think? Their mum is now sharing her bed with another man?!!! And I know full well what they do in the bedroom, I've just completely full sex education at school.

Would you be capeable to do this mum? To us? Your three children? Meet a man, and then 2 months later, sell our house, and drag us off to live with him? Surely, daddy must have been seeing her for longer? And if so, what sort of woman dates a married man? She has shown no respect or feelings to any of us?"

What on earth do you say to these questions?!

I could only reply to my daughter..." Well, this woman must be a really special woman. More special than me."

My daughters response was ..." No mum, that's where you are mistaken. You might like to think she is special, but she isn't anywhere near you
When it comes to that. This woman is disgraceful". I've told my daughter to talk these feelings through with her dad.

How can any court, or person, think that it's in the children's best interests to allow their child to meet with his partner so soon? Surely it would be mentally damaging for my daughter to be forced contact?

Of course it won't mentally damage her! She'll be angry and pissed off, but I highly doubt her mental health will be actually damaged.

You're either catastrophising, or using the term mental health in very approximately.

Any why would you say she was a special person in your explanation? Your job is to normalise an adult situation for her - you should have said 'look sometimes adults find they don't love each other any more, and fall in love with someone else instead. Dad and I don't love each other, and dad and x love each other so much they want to be together. But dad will never ever stop loving you because parents love their children no matter what.' Etc. reassure her.

Oh and she isn't 11 going on 16. She's 11.

It is mentally damaging to allow your daughter to be so involved in these matters. Her brain is not developed enough to handle these emotions. And worse, you responded in a way that made you sound like a victim, meaning your daughter was having to reassure you and it set up a competitive element between you and this woman which will be damaging for your daughters relationship with her in future. You may not care about her relationship with this woman but your daughter is going to have to spend time with her and surely it's better that they get along, for your daughters sake?

Intelligence does not equal emotional maturity. She is not 16, she is 11, even if she does speak bizarrely like an angry and hurt ex wife herself.

If my children asked me those questions, I would soothe them and reassure them. I'd tell them not to worry because this was something for grown ups and that the grown ups would sort it out. I'd tell them that their father loves them very much and really wants to see them and that its important that they go to see him. I'd reassure them that I was okay.

If you haven't already, I'd consider getting some emotional support, counselling or psychotherapy, and see if there are any charities nearby that support children in these sorts of situations.

your allowing the children to be so involved in these matters is just as much if not more damaging to the children as the fact that your ex is now in a relationship with this woman.

I don't believe for a second that an eleven year old has come out with these kinds of questions/statements independently - she has gained this insight from somewhere, and I'm afraid to say that that somewhere is almost certainly you.

you need to stop discussing your ex's new woman with your eleven year old. When she comes out with those kinds of questions you need to tell her that these things are for adults to work out and not children, but that their dad loves them.

And her previous marital status is certainly none of your dd's business.

Your ex has behaved badly - that is not in question. But your reaction and manipulation of your children is just as unacceptable. I would suggest that you go to counselling to deal with the separation and the associated issues, and that you and your ex go to mediation to come to an agreement on access so it doesn't go to court.

The courts will take a dim view of the fact that your dd is so involved in this split, and there is no way on earth that they will support no contact while the children are so young.

Hi OP - Sorry you and your children are going through this ordeal, it must be really hard for you. Your relationship has broken down, you have been betrayed by a man that purported to love you and you probably feel pretty humiliated to boot

Regarding contact with the children. This is a difficult one, they are still very young and, despite their feelings about what has happened between the two of you, they must be told in no uncertain terms that it is the wish of BOTH parents and a court of law that they spend time with their father. As children (and indeed as adults!) we are all expected to do things that we would rather not do, unfortunately circumstances are such that we have no control over certain situations.

Your daughter might be putting on a brave face and trying to be protective of you, this might make it appear that she is '11 going on 16' as you say, however you must remember she is a child. Your children have been through an emotional rollercoaster ride and it won't do to drag them deeper into this mess.

Make it clear from now on, you expect them to do as they are told. Their father loves them and wants to see them, they must go and do not have a choice in the matter. Do not discuss personal situations and issues with them, your relationship and your ex's relationship with his new partner is none of their business.

Don't assume that you can flout a court order and get away with it. Just as plently of people are prosecuted for not sending their children to school you could be prosecuted for contempt of court. Try to explain this to your children in a gentle way "Mum and Dad have split up for personal reasons that I can't talk about anymore, but we both love you very much. You must see your Dad because the court has said so, I'm afraid you have no choice and neither do I. Your Father loves you and would never harm you."

Good luck OP - keep your head high. You are better than this.

You need to prepare yourself for the fact that if this gets as far as court, your Ex WILL get a contact order for regular and consistent contact with the children. You will have to facilitate that contact and with respect, it sounds as if you are actually happy that they are refusing to see him at present. He has behaved very badly and you are clearly very deeply hurt but you need to stop having any of these discussions with your 11 year old daughter.
I would find another solicitor who acknowledges your feelings, but doesn't allow you to turn this situation into a long drawn out and damaging battle.
You really need to start thinking about a future where your children WILL be spending time with their dad.