Help- need advice re.husband's debt and secret spending

[herewegoloopyloo]

Am still reeling a bit from this so but short story is that I have discovered my husband has a secret account, credit card and personal loan and has gone significantly in to debt. This is not the first (or second or third) time (the debt or the endless lies); the last time we had lots of counselling, drew careful budget plan (which he still didn't stick too but I thought he was at least trying - not realising he was just using his other account), wiped all of my savings and those we had been saving for our children, tightened purse strings and managed to claw our way back out - or so I thought. Clearly, there is the big question of our relationship, trust etc and if he is even prepared to get help for this problem (if he even recognises it) and I need to figure that out. We have 2 gorgeous little girls and I can't walk away with out thinking very hard but my first concern is how to protect myself financially. I intend to contact a lawyer but does anyone know if there are any simple steps I can do myself? Any advice gratefully received. I feel like such a fool and I am really struggling to think straight.

Has your husband explained why he does this? Does he acknowledge he has a problem?

If he does then you need to take all his plastic off him and cut it up and then he needs to deal in cash. You will have to draw this out and give to him - just enough to pay for incidentals. Then you take over all other banking and paying off debts.

If he cannot see the necessity of this then I do not think you stand much chance and you would be better leaving now.

Are you financially linked? As in, do you have joint assets, joint accounts? If the answer is yes, it's going to be more difficult for you. If the answer is no, don't start now ffs.

Thanks for replies. In answer to questions - I thought he did see the problem but clearly not as he has done it again. We talked about cash only last time and that seems like a practical way forward, though I don't know if he will agree. One problem will be trust; he is part self employed so variable income and I have no real way of knowing what income he has coming in (although I guess that doesn't necessarily change the expenditure).

Assets- yes joint mortgage and joint bank accounts, although we also have own account (well, he apparently has more than one!).

I spoke to a lawyer but unless you are actually divorcing they didn't seem to think could help.
Am struggling to disentangle anger at betrayal of trust and the financial situation he has put our family in- and what that says about his priorities.

Sites aimed at the family members of compulsive gamblers might be able to help you on how to disentangle your finances while still being married.

I think basically you can cancel your joint accounts, direct all your own money into your own accounts, and have separate finances. Obviously you'll need your own income.

I would say one account in your name only and all his money gets paid into it. Complete transparancy on his income and he gets given pocket money for every penny he spends.
Good luck and hope he gets help that he needs.

Thanks. Having one account in my name and getting at least a fixed amount to cover all household stuff could work. I hadn't thought about sites for help for gamblers and I can see the similarities so I might look at that. I really need him to see the problem- obvious, but hasn't done so far. Sorry for such delays in replying- is tricky with kids off for half term. Thanks for suggestions.

Do you know what he is spending his money on exactly?
I have a husband who cannot be trusted with family finances as he has a tendency to spend it on general rubbish- down the pub, cigs, lunches out etc... It soon mounts up to a lot! The only thing I can do is have all the direct debits set up out of my account rather than the joint one that his wage goes into. Each week when he gets paid I go online and transfer 75% of it over into my account so he only has access to a limited amount. It's bullshit to be honest and I feel like I am treating him like a child but at present it's the only way. For this and other reasons I am considering leaving him though

My understanding is that you're not liable for his debts, unless you've agreed to it. So any assets in your name alone are safe. But he might commit fraud to take out loans in your name even so.

The latter happened to an aunt of mine, though there it was compulsive gambling. He lied to the bank that she couldn't come into sign for a loan, and they believed him. Eventually the bank had to take on liability, but it was hassle she did not need.

Are any of the accounts or loans in joint names, or are they secured , on your home for example? You could contact Money Advice Service or StepChange but to make real progress he needs to come clean as to the extent of the issue and where the money is going.

Thanks. I have ascertained that the loans are in his name and that I am therefore not liable. Which is a relief. What I don't know is if he used the house ( our major joint asset) to secure them.Other than relying on him to tell me, I don't know how I find out. I guess either way, if the debt were large enough and the debtors came calling then it would be at risk regardless.
The purchases have all been expensive 'stuff' from what has now admitted- which he has to hide from me or has just massively downplayed their cost.
I have been sitting down and trying to think thru practical options (such as account suggestions, thank you), and what are my 'lines in the sand'. It's really difficult as although he seems remorseful we have been here before.

Any loans secured against the house should be registered asa charge at the Land Register ? Certainly case in Scotland

An online search with land registry will tell you if there are any charges on the house- takes seconds and costs about three quid.

Ah ok, I'll do that. Thanks.

My advice would be to get out now before you lose any more money. This post could've been written by my mum 30 years ago. She is still with my dad, has bailed him out more times than I can count. Still has a mortgage at 65, used all her retirement lump sum, and I suspect will waste her inheritance on my dads debts. He will never change, I have no respect for him left. Just sadness for the life my mum should have had.

I know you think you are doing the best thing for your children by trying to change him, my mum did, but as one of those children I can say hand on heart that she should have left him years and years ago. Please don't waste your life on this man in the hope he will be someone different. You've already given him chances, he doesn't want to take them. So I say it again, get out now.

My sympathies go to you and your children, they really do.