Should I get a solicitor? Child contact related.

[umisnotananswer]

Hi I hope someone can help, advise, or just chat to me about my situation.

My ex and I separated a few months ago. He was emotionally abusive and controlling.

Since the split he has continued to abuse and control me through our son. Our son is 3. I have bent over backwards for them to see each other but ex is not happy as it's not all on his terms anymore. He cancels at the last minute, doesn't get back to me about contact until it's too late, refuses to see son during the week because I won't allow it in my home.

He refused to attend the mediators meeting I set up.

I gave him until today to agree to a schedule (I gave him 10 days to do this) before I said I would contact a solicitor. Yesterday I reminded him of the deadline as he hadn't replied. He said yeah, every 2nd weekend was fine and that he agrees to giving me at least 2 days notice for any changes. He hasn't replied about seeing son during the week or bringing him swimming on the Saturday morning when he's with me.

He is excruciating to deal with. I know getting a solicitor involved will make him really angry but I am at the end of my tether. I can't deal with him. He is verbally abusive at drop off and collection. He swears at me in front of our child. He cries crocodile tears in front of our child. It's horrible.

I just worry about the solicitor thing. Will it make things worse? What will it involve?

I can't deal with him. He is verbally abusive at drop off and collection. He swears at me in front of our child. He cries crocodile tears in front of our child. It's horrible.

Any chance you could get someone else to do the handovers? A family member or friend? That way you would not have to deal with him directly.

What are you hoping the solicitor will do for you? Are you aiming to get a restraining order about the harassment?

When he replied, did he reply in writing, that you can keep, or verbally?

Also start keeping a diary, noting when he does and doesn't attend contact eg "12 May: Ex called at 2.45pm and said he wouldn't be there to pick DS up at 3pm."
"13 May, emailed Ex about May bank holiday plans."
If it does wind up going to court, a record of you offering him contact and ample warning and him not showing up would be very helpful.

Hello,

So sorry I haven't replied to you. My head has been up my arse and I've needed to not think about it for a while.

I still don't know what I am doing. He makes excuses not to see his son. He wants me to pity him.

Everything we do is via email. I refuse to speak to him.

I do keep a daily diary too.

I don't know what a solicitor would do for me, but I have been advised by a few people to do it...

My sympathies. A solicitor can't help with him wanting you to pity him, but if you look on the relationships board at Mumsnet they might be able to help you in suggesting ways to build up resistance to it.

If you said you would get a solicitor if he didn't get in touch with you, and he didn't get in touch with you, I think you need to get a solicitor. He needs to know that you mean what you say. And, can I gently suggest, in the future, only giving him a warning if you are absolutely prepared to go through with it?

Perhaps you could write down a list of things you are absolutely willing to do ahead of time. They don't need to be severe, just definite. It could be "If I don't hear back from you by x date, I'm going to take DS shopping for new shoes on Saturday so you won't be able to see him." I also suggest that they be immediate and brief, eg shoe shopping on Saturday rather than taking the DS for a month-long holiday in December. (If you want to take DS for a month-long holiday in December go ahead and negotiate it, just don't regard it as a consequence for ex being flaky).

These consequences, be they hiring a solicitor or taking DS shopping for shoes, might well make him angry, but, hey, he'll either get over it or die mad. You say you're at the end of your tether, and so you need to focus on protecting your and your DS's emotional states first. Though you may wish to discuss getting a restraining order with the solicitor in case his angriness directly impacts you.

Thank you for replying, Tracy

Everything you say makes sense. Everything has been noted for future reference.

I should not have threatened the solicitor - however he did as I asked, and so I suppose I didn't need to carry out the threat?

I am just so tired with it all, I have no energy left. I just can't be arsed. I no longer care if he sees his son or not anymore (although it breaks my heart).

I'm glad to hear that. If your warning worked no need to follow through.

It sucks, doesn't it? We can only hope that once he no longer can use contact as a way of controlling you, he'll give up on that and start just showing up at contact to spend time with his son. But sadly there's no guarantees.

Unfortunately I don't have much hope left. Its been a while since the split and its quite clear he doesn't really care...all he wants to do it get to me, so it seems. So sad for my little one

God, its draining...

It sounds like he has agreed every other weekend but the fine details are not agreed so very difficult for you. You could say - okay you have next weekend, collect on Friday at 5pm and return son on Sunday at 4pm and see how that goes.