Child Arrangement Orders - what makes a sufficient case for going for one?

[giantpurplepeopleeater]

Hello all,

I am in the unfortunate position of having increasing issues with my Ex over access to my son.

We went to mediation last year (Oct) and agreed to a way of dealing. A few weeks later in Nov an incident occured where ex got very angry and agressive, then used incident to speak to police, lie about what happened and try to get me into trouble (the police have decided not to take it further). Queue my making arrangements for my parents to act as intermediaries so we no longer have direct contact. This didn't go down well so got further text messages, calls and letters with threats and abuse, and playing games with contact arrangements. Had solicitor write a letter re-iterating contact agreement from mediation, parents acting as intermediaries and asking him to stop the harassment.

Nearly 3 months later and the game playing continues. Am in the situation whereby he:

• Ignores my requests to stop harassing me with angry text messages
• Continues to make last minute changes to contact arrangements without agreement so that me or my parents are left either having to change arrnagements/ work to look after DS or not knowing when he will be returned
• Continues to make changes to arrangements without any agreement or trying to seek a compromise
• Continues to encourage/ pressure me to return to direct handovers despite his continuing hostility
• Refuses to engage with me when I try to discuss issues and offer compromises

Thursday he informed me that he would not be having DS today, and I've had to run around trying to find childcare so I can work. Then on Sunday he decided he wasn't going to bring DS back until two hours after he should have done (as per agreements from mediation - that he happily agreed) without telling me and left me worried about where DS was and what had happened.

My parents have now decided that his messing about is not good for DS, and is putting too much pressure on them so they will no longer be helping with handovers. So I need to make changes to the agreed arrangements Ex and I have to address this. Trying to reach agreement with him is going to be hell, and he will ignore it anyway. My DS shows signs of being uncomfortabel about contatc and I don't think all this changing things around is helping, and it's also causing me significant anxiety which has sent me to the doctors.

So given I need to make changes anyway - can I just take it to the courts??

He says the solicitors letter is 'not worth the paper is written on' and is always threatening to take me to court when he doesn't like my response when he does actually ask about some changes (I don't always respond negatively to his requests, but when I do I always get hostility). So I'm htinking he might actually take a court order seriously and it will resolve some of these issues.

My suggestions won't be that different to what we do now - it woudl include every other weekend and a good proprtion of the school holidays (DS is due to start in Sept).

If he doesn't contest it, is it relatively straight forward?

The lack of certainty and the constantly changing arrangements suggest that a court order would be appropriate. Despite having gone to mediation last October you will first have to return to mediation for a MIAM. You can tell the mediator at your first meeting why you feel a court order may be better in your circumstances that a mediated agreement and ask that they sign your c100 application form then and there. You can then make your application to the court.

You will need 3 copies of your application and the fee of £215 or the fee exemption form to issue your application.

At the first hearing appointment you can explain to the Court that you are happy for your child to spend time with the father but there must be certainty about timings etc. If he agrees the current arrangements the Court can make the order by consent on that first hearing date.

HTH

Just a word of warning - a court order does not necessarily improve matters, if you are dealing with somebody who likes to use contact with the children to control you. I went to court last year in similar circumstances (very unreliable ex, wanted contact entirely on his terms and if he didn't get what he wanted he would let the children down or not see them at all etc etc - despite saying he wanted 50:50 shared residence).

We now have a court order after having gone all the way to a final hearing. However, he did not like the terms of the order so continued to be unreliable/controlling about it and has repeatedly not shown up for his allotted contact time. I'm not sure I'd do things differently next time, but just wanted to say don't think a court order will necessarily bring you any more peace! I have reached the point where I don't think there's much the courts can do to help me - the court order is more about YOU making the children available for contact as per its terms, rather than being able to force the non-resident parent to take up contact.

Good luck with it all.

Thanks both.

Yes Urban - I would like to get some certainty. I've tried a solicitors letter to clarify what we had agreed and try to agree how we would handle making changes, but it's fallen on deaf ears. I have to juggle my work with being a single mom and not near to my family as it is - and all this messing about is affecting my ability to be at work.

Plus I then have to deal with the inevitable aggressive nastiness and game playing I get when I can't make changes or pull him up on his behaviour.

Teapot - thank you. I'm under no illusions that it may well continue. Fortunately it hasn't yet got as bad as your situation as yet (touch wood) but you are right. It seems to be very much about control and having everything his way. I am hoping that he may well respect an order that is made in the courts due to the gravitas of it, but I won't hold my breath!

The stupid thing is, I would be happy with more, or less, or no contact - whatever he wants really, as long as the messing around and using it to have a go at me constantly just stopped!

I can't see you have any option other than to make an application to the court. If you are able to reach an agreement at the hearing you can ask the court for ' leave to return' what this means is that if there are any difficulties in the contact you can write to the court asking for another appointment rather than having to reapply (which may need additional mediation and another court fee) . This is a little unusual and some courts are reluctant to grant it but if you explain the almost constant chopping and changing it may be granted.

If the order is continually breached you simply have to go back to the court and ask that there be an order for no contact / contact in a contact centre as he is unable to put the needs of his child to have a relationship with his father above his need to control you. It is so difficult dealing with someone like this as ultimately no one can make him be a reasonable human being but it is so hard for you and your child.

Thank you Urban, that's really good to know.

I don't think I can afford a solicitor to help me with this on top of the fees to file the application, so I think I'm going to haave to self represent.

Ive got the form, and I've booked in to see the mediators later on in the month. I've also requested a copy of the report I made to the police last year in case I need it to show the reason why I am going to request indirect handover arrangements.

The incident involved him getting quite angry and aggressive with me in front of our son. I haven't seen him since then. I spoke to the police and made immediate changes to the arrangements to make sure I wasn't going to be in that position again, so may parents have been doing handovers. The court won't make an order that makes me do handovers with him again will they?

I've emailed him also - I have had to inform him that my parents are no longer willing to do handovers, which means we need to agree another set of arrangements. I've asked him to propose what he would like to do, and what he will actually stick to. I am not holding my breath for getting a response though!

You should look into fee exemption. I don't have the exact figires on me but believe you need savings under £3000 and of you are single with one child gross income of around £1400 a month. You need to evidence this with 3 months payslips and bank statements.

You can def self represent. It is increasingly common and the court will try and help you in so far as it can. Before you apply have a very definite plan for what you want. What contact you think is right for your child and who can assist with hand overs / where they should take place. The court will not make you hand over him directly if you don't want to but you will need to have some reasonable proposals for what should happen. Please don't rely on him to come up with anything!

Have you tried local contact centres to see if they can supervise hand overs?

In terms of help with form filling it is worth checking with your local family court if they have a personal support unit as they will spend unlimited time with you filling the forms in. They can't offer legal advice but can also come into court with you as moral support if you think that would help you. You could also look into your local meeting of families need fathers / both parents matter. This contrary to the name is not just a dad's group am they may have a pro bono legal clinic at your local meeting.

Urban,

Sorry to return to this (I'm hoping you're still around).

I have been for the MIAM and the mediator signed my form. I'm filling in the C100 now. It doesn't look like I have much space to explain, or set out a proposal for contact arrangements.

Is this right? Do I do a simple short explanation now and then file further papers later? IS that how it works?

Thanks
G

Stop all his contact. Say that you cannot run your work, support the child and operate when he messes you around - attach a list of dates and the changes he has made as the evidence. Keep a copy. Say that there will be no contact now until further notice and you will need him to pay for half a full time nursery place or day nanny for the child.

Thanks Lotus. Contact is currently suspended, DS hasn't seen his dad since Easter unfortunately.

I've asked his Dad to suggest what he would like to do about contact and not recieved an answer so have been to the courts this morning and filed a C100 for residence and contact. I can't really see I have much choice to be honest as I need this game playing to stop, but want to shield my DS from the effects of it as much as possible.

Have you spoken to Women's Aid? I don't know what the threshold is, but his behaviour is certainly abusive, and public funding is available for child contact cases where abuse is present. You don't need a conviction or even necessarily police involvement - a medical professional supporting your claim to abuse and harassment can be enough - it may be worth exploring? That way you could have legal representation.

Hi giant

I hope you don't mind me jumping on your thread. I'm going through very similar at the moment. I just wondered how you arm going.

I am trying to decide whether to get myself a solicitor.

My ex refused to even go to mediation. He leaves contact until the last minute, even though I have given him set dates and times. For example he was supposed to take him last bank holiday but changed his mind 2 days before. Then on the Monday he was sending me messages saying he misses and wants to see his son, and how unfair it is etc.

At drop off and collection he is abusive. He shouts in the street and cries (crocodile tears) and has shouted at me to fuck off in front of our 2 year old, in a busy park.

I don't know what to do.

Hi GiantPP

Sorry I have not responded I haven't been around for a while. Did you file the C100? You are right you don't get to say much in that form but you will get the opportunity to do so later if an agreement can't be reached at the first hearing. If you have any questions or queries about the first hearing ( what will happen etc) drop a message here or pm me and I will check back in over the next couple of days.

Hi Umisnot

Your situation sounds difficult too. The problem is you can't MAKE someone be a decent dad but it is heart breaking for your child and just so frustrating for you. If you have the C100 signed by a mediator you can apply to the Court. As suggested above your local court may have a personal assistance unit to assist with form filling and charities such as families need fathers / both parents matter usually offer free legal advice ( at least they do here in Wales). HTH