Sil has 2 year old child. Separating acrimoniously from partner who works away for weeks at a time. Advice on contact please.

[lazarusb]

My sil is currently living in the same house but her partner (who owns the house) is making life very unpleasant while he is there. He works away (abroad) for several weeks at a time but when he is home he expects to look after their child as and when its convenient for him. This means that sil is struggling to make any other plans and having to change arrangements for childcare at very short notice.

She would like some legal advice as to what a court might consider to be reasonable while he's home. Any help would be greatly appreciated. He is being verbally abusive at the moment but sil has nowhere to move to as yet (complicated situation!).

Thank you in advance.

Bump.

Sorry no advice but if you repost in relationships you may get more response.

Thank you, will do.

Whether you are separated from a spouse or just a live in partner you cannot force the partner ever to have or see the children so plenty of men tend never to help with or see their children again and you cannot force them to in law.

She could only let him see the child at times they have agreed of course but I think it's more the other way round - he lets her down.

My children's father just about never see or helps with them (or pays) so I have them 365 nights a year. There is no right to force a parent to help with or see their children. You can have a court adopted order on child contact but if one parent never shows up there is no financial type sanction.

She might want to see a solicitor. It sounds like they are not married so could be hard to claim any share of his property and he would have no claim on any properties or monies she has either. I wonder which of them would want the child after they separate. Some fathers want the child to live with them. It sounds unlikely here.

Most contact in the UK is by agreement between the couple and that works better than trying to enforce court orders.

The issue here is that she will be the resident parent. He works away, say a month at a time. Then when he is back for a month he expects to have their child as and when he likes. So she can't make any plans (she has other children). He wants to see their child but he thinks he should be able to dictate that and she should bend to whatever whim he has on that given day. What I have been asked to help with is what is reasonable contact.

So if fathers having contact EOW is the basic model for example, that won't work here because he is away for weeks at a time. So can he expect to have EOW while he is home PLUS what he has 'missed' while he was away? Personally I think this should be arranged officially but at the moment she and all the children are living in his house whether he is there or not. She needs to get out but can't at the moment for financial reasons. However, the situation is becoming almost impossible to live in.

How old is the child? That may make a difference .

And how involved was he with child pre-split? If it's a young child this can make a difference in needing to build a bond.

It's 2. He was quite involved at first but this has lapsed as the relationship deteriorated. Sil is concerned with how much contact is good all round but getting it on a footing that everyone is happy with. The minute he goes away to work she has to deal with everything herself.

I didn't re read the thread title when I came back to post

So they will have a bond but it's been inconsistent care.

Don't worry, I've done that myself!

Yes, I would agree with that although I'm sure sil's partner wouldn't!

A couple of my friends have been to court over similar and both were told that fathers work would dictate the pattern of contact. Both fathers have to provide working patterns to the mothers as far in advance as possible but the priority was child having contact rather than the disruption it caused to the mothers and their other family members. Sounds like a nightmare.

That has been my experience too which was incredibly frustrating.

After him kicking off yesterday about he wanted their child all day today he has got up at midday, spent some time fiddling with his car and now is watching sport on the tv. So I think that when he does start having proper contact he will find it a bit of a chock to the system.

Thank you all for your advice

so it is not the contact that is the problem but the amount of notice he gives?

I suppose that she records the number of times he actually has contact to build up a pattern of whether he really wants it. they could try and agree a reasonable notice period. If she emails him, re it not being in the child's best interests to have short notice contact but is welcome to have contact with x amountof time notice. she could then start refusing him if he fucks about and demands it that morning/evening before.

Yes although I suspect she would rather he didn't have any - she thinks he's not really interested (Sunday is a good example of that). I've told her that she has no real grounds to stop contact though.

I think the email is a good idea, built around nursery etc, just to formalise the arrangements a bit. I will suggest it to her.