Separation - what can I get from my house and in maintenance?

[Darcey2105]

I'm close to leaving my abusive husband. My parents are using all their life savings to buy a flat that I can move into with the children. I'm getting support from Women's Aid and I've got a one hour free consultation with a solicitor. I want to make sure I get the most use out of this free appointment, as I won't be able to pay for any more appointments.

Basically I am wondering how much money I can realistically get out of our house. We bought it together a year ago with a joint mortgage, we are joint owners and we're married. He contributed most of the deposit from his personal savings, and I contributed about 15% of the deposit from my personal savings. Once we moved in I stopped working, so his salary is paying the mortgage. If I move out to the flat my parents are buying, how can I actually get some money from my own home? Would I try and force a sale? (although in a way I'd like him to keep it so it's not too disruptive for the children) Or can I insist he gives me some money from it?

The other question is about maintenance. Women's aid said nowadays you always get joint custody of the children. If we had 50-50 custody would he actually need to pay me any maintenance? I'm sure he should as he earns £100k and I earn £75 a week term time only, with no option of earning during school holidays. If he does owe me maintenance, how soon would he need to give it to me? Would I need to wait until we're divorced?

The worry is that I don't have a single penny of my own left, and I'd move into a flat that had used all my parents money, and they wouldn't be able to support me living there.

Getting benefits is also a problem, I've claimed them before and there's about a 3 month turnaround time between filling in the forms and getting any money. But I can't really claim them until I've moved out, as obviously living with my husband I'm not entitled to anything.

Any advice gratefully received!!

Not sure about the other questions but you don't always get 50/50 shared care especially if one parent does the majority of care at the point of separation. If it was 50/50 split of nights with each parent then no, he would not be obliged to pay you child maintenance under the CMS rules.

I would also not recommend moving out. Have you seen a solicitor? Can't you get an occupation order, stay in your own home and he moves out?

Thanks for your reply. I thought briefly about trying to stay in my own house and forcing him out. The downside is he is very forceful, so that wold be hard to do. Also he pays the mortgage, and I wouldn't even have the money for one month's mortgage.

I tried to leave a few years ago and housing was the problem, which is why my parents are trying to buy me a flat so I have somewhere secure to stay.

I haven't seen a solicitor, I only get one free appointment, so I'm trying to do as much fact finding as possible beforehand to get the most use out of it.

When I left last time I spent about £5000 on solicitor fees, and I'm still with him now, so in a way it didn't really get me anywhere.

The downside is he'll have unlimited money to spend on a solicitor against me. But he has been arrested (but not charged) for domestic violence, so I'm hopeful that will mean he can't tell too many lies about me

In terms of maintenance, I would try and get the children more than 50%, as I am their main carer as they're not yet at school and he works full time.

Would he also owe me spousal support - regardless of what money he paid for the children?

We've been married for 5 years, and I have not really worked since we've been married due to children and him basically making it difficult for me to work. But his career has gone from strength to strength. Would he owe me anything for the fact that I was his wife?

No-one here can tell you how much you will be entitled to. You should be asking these questions of your solicitor.

You may be entitled to spousal maintenance. You don't automatically get anything just for having been married to him. Whether or not you would be entitled to any depends on your current income, your earnings potential and his income. The fact yours has been a short marriage will also be a factor which could reduce or remove your entitlement to maintenance.

You will be entitled to a fair share of the assets of the marriage. That includes the house. However, a fair share does not necessarily mean 50%. He will only have to sell the house if that is the only way to give you a fair share. Do not move out until you have talked to your solicitor.

Joint residence (it isn't called custody any more) does not necessarily mean the children will spend 50% of their time with each of you. If they spend the bulk of their time with you, you will be able to claim child maintenance for them.

Hmm ok, what's the risk of me moving out before I talk to my solicitor? Is it that I give up any claim to the house?

My parents are just about to put an offer on a flat for me. I'm worried they might commit all their savings on something and then I don't move in. We've been talking about them buying me somewhere for nearly 2 years, now they're almost ready to do it. So it's not a rash decision.

I've only got one appointment with a solicitor, then no money to afford any more, so I've got to make sure I've got as much info in advance and I know specifically what I'm asking my solicitor.

I would see a solicitor before your parents make an offer. I'm not sure how you got to £5000 of fees before but even if you paid for an hour with a decent solicitor that's not much more than £200. Moving out before speaking to a solicitor would be unwise in your situation.

Check entitledto.com to see what you can get benefits wise. If you are working you may get working Tax credits.

You may also be entitled to part of his pension. You might need a pension specialist for this. Ours cost £500 to sort this out.

You can check online what you are entitled to with regards to child maintenance. It's all on the gov.uk website.

Any chance he will go into mediation with you? It's cheaper than a solicitors and less painful. Will he be an arsehole about it? My XH surprised me by being very reasonable during the meetings. They can talk you through every step of the way at a gentle pace, and with the children at the forefront of it all.

I also recommend a book called 'parenting apart' by Christina McGhee. Helped me no end.

Hmm ok, that's frustrating as I've spent ages talking to the police, women's aid and citizens advice and they all agreed that my parents buying me a flat was the best way for me to get free. But I suppose they don't know the legal implications.

My parents are putting an offer in first thing on Monday morning for a flat that's likely to get quite a few offers. I don't want them to hold back and I miss out.

I don't even have £200 as he controls all the money. I'm in a really desperate situation.

I could try and phone a lawyer for a phone consultation on Monday morning.

Do you think if my parents put in an offer and it's accepted, then I phone a lawyer then tell my parents to pull out they can still do that?

Hmm yes I've already been to see citizens advice to see what benefits I'd get- it's not much!!

I don't know about mediation, he doesn't even know I'm going, I was just going to flee as he's a crazy control freak.

Thanks for book tip :)

the free consultation with the solicitor is A marketing thing. for them to decide whether they want to take you on as a client. You may be disappointed if you go in with a list of questions expecting concrete answers. They are more likely to be asking YOU things about length of marriage, children, joint assets etc. They certainly won't want to give away enough info for free that they put themselves out of a job.

Couldn't your parents put a deposit on a rented home for you? Would give you a breathing space to actually get away from him without the massive financial commitment right this minute.

Have you done a budget and worked out how much you need to live on?

Phone up on Monday and get the forms for benefits. They can take a couple of weeks to come but at least you will have them ready to go.

Also, given the police have been involved could they not get him out - a non-molestation order or something? I don't really know but there is something niggling away saying you should not go - is it classed as abandonment?

Perhaps post in the chat or relationship topic where there is more traffic?

1. If you move to the place your parents find you are housed so your housing needs are less and your husband more likely entitled to more financially.
2. If he has been violent you can get legal aid for a non molestation order - women's aid surely told you that. Legal aid remains for these violence cases. YOu get him excluded from the house and in theory at least he has to pay you interim maintenance including the mortgage until the finances are decided.
3. However if there is not really much equity in the house and you want a clean start by all means move you and the children into the place your parents buy but take advice on how it is bought. If your parents give you money ie. this new property before the divorce is finalised there is a chance that is one of the marital assets plus the equity in the house and they are divided by 2 or whatever and he gets some of that whereas if the parents buy the house for you in their name , their property no chance of that. On the other hand if they buy it and not you and they don't live in it then it's a second home and when they sell they have to pay capital gainst tax on any gain on it so better if it's in your name. Surely if you really have to move out urgently it woudl be better to rent for 6 months, or ven move in with parents, finalise the divorce finances, get the court to agree/seal that financial order and then and only then after decree absolute and finances sorted out the parents make their gift.

On maintenance he is likely to have to pay 20% of his income for the children and also interim maintenance ie money now for you pending the final divorce. If he will not pay any now such as the mortgage on your jointly owned home then you can apply to the court for it.

How old are the children? They might choose to stay with him - do realise that. It depends on their age. If they are 13+ they tend in practice to get a choice.

Thanks for your advice. I'm really panicking now. I don't know what to do. The thing is the only way I can get away from him is by physically getting away. I can't agree it all with him and then move out

I've never really talked about renting with my parents help. I don't really want to as the reality isn't as easy as it sounds, especially with children. I lived in several different places when I left him before and it was sooo unsettling for my child.

My children are only aged 1 and 3 and the 1yr old is still breast feeding, (although he's nearly 2) so really should stay with me full time.

My parents were planning to buy the property in their name. I don't think they would really do it in mine, as they are still thinking of it as an investment for all my other siblings. They would probably find it hard to actually give all their money to me - and not the others.

Could my parents have bought the flat and have it waiting in the wings, then I do a series of moves for a few weeks like try and force him out of my house, and when that doesn't work (because I don't think it will) I can then move into my parents flat but it won't be classed as abandonment?

Please stop wasting your time speaking to people without legal qualifications or experience. If your parents can buy a flat could they get £200 for you to see a decent solicitor? That's the only way you'll find out what you may be able to get in ancillary relief proceedings against your husband. Even then it's far from an exact science.

Take proper advice rather than unqualified advice from police, WA, etc. and pure speculation with no basis in fact from various MN posters, poster who raised 'abandonment' I'm looking directly at you.

I've just found this organisation which I'll phone tomorrow: rightsofwomen.org.uk/get-advice/women-london/

might help others who are in a similar situation and reading this thread.

Urgh - I've just found this post aimed at men, how they can keep the kids and the house www.coeffic.demon.co.uk/advice_divorce_csa.htm

He says "DO NOT leave the marital home even for one night to let her stay........you will have lost it forever."

I'm going to phone women's aid tomorrow and make my appointment with their solicitor, as they are specialist in my kind of case. I think if I go looking for one myself it could not be as good.

The trouble I had last time with solicitors, is it is not one visit and all your questions are answered.

What I need to weigh up is trying to stay to fight for the house, versus leaving to protect my own sanity and safety. But it sounds like if I leave with the children, which is what I'm obviously planning to do, he'd have much more right to have them as it would be their main house that he'd be living in. Total nightmare.

It might be that I need to stay in the house, and force a sale.

I had a good conversation with my parents, and they are going to try and proceed with buying somewhere and treat it as a buy to let for the time being, as they've done that in the past. So it is for their benefit, and nothing to do with me, until the time comes that I do need it.

Well, "don't leave the house" is all very well, but is he physically abusive? Is your and/or your children's lives in actual imminent danger? Your lives are worth more than keeping the house.

Darcey you say your parents are going to treat any flat purchase as buy to let does that mean you will have to pay rent? Housing benefit is tricky when renting from relatives. Get some specialist legal advice before doing anything, a property you've both owned for such a short time isn't likely to show a huge profit.
If you move out, after taking legal advice, a six month let might actually be an excellent idea.

Of course it's not one visit and all your questions answered! You have a complex personal situation. Solicitors are legal professionals, not wizards.

You want things sorted out but done on the cheap which is a bit silly.

It would be better to obtain an emergency non molestation order to exclude the husband from the home in the next few days on the grounds of his violence for which I think you can get legal aid or apply yourself without using solicitors. Also apply for interim maintenance.

However if there is not much equity in the house and you want a clean break from him and a quick exist then the parents buying the property and you living in it is not a bad plan. It might mean you don['t get housing benefit but that's good news for we full time working mothers whose tax has to fund that so if your parents can fund your housing needs so much the better and much nicer for the children to be in somewhere stable. If it's in the parents' n ame no claim by the ex husband over the house either.

The issue for your parents is if the property goes up in value then they will pay 28% capital gains tax on any increase as it is not their home, once it comes to be sold but that is a longer term issue.

Lots of clients will email a list of questions in advance and spend a paid for meeting going through the answers with the lawyers. Just make sure you keep an eye on a watch and allow exactly the right amount of time for each question and answer to fill the session you've paid for if you use a solicitor.