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Legal matters

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Original poster

Does the husband have any rights regarding children and payments?

45 replies

1wokeuplikethis · 04/12/2014 12:43

My friend's wife decided she didn't want to be married any more in August this year and he was forced to move out. He has got a flat, works full time (12hr shifts) and has an agreement with her about when he sees their children who are aged 2 and 3.

He pays as much as he can afford towards the children, it's an informal agreement and he financially cannot afford to pay any more. He would not be able to pay her what the CSA suggests is the right amount.

Currently, she uses this to her advantage it seems: she asks him to take the children at the drop of a hat and if he can't because he's working she plays the 'you would if you loved them' card. She demands money off him, £80 here, £50 there on top of what he already pays her. He does it because he wants to keep on her good side but she's really got him by the short and curlies. She knows she has him cornered because if he doesn't agree with her demands she threatens going to the CSA.

When he makes these extra payments it means he can't afford heating, or his council tax, or petrol for work and his parents have to fork out.

I'm heart broken for him. He loves his children dearly, he loved his wife and wanted the marriage. It was her who gave up and is making his life an anxiety-riddled nightmare at every turn.

Does anybody know where he can get advice on any of this? Does he have any rights? Can he turn to anyone? Is she allowed to behave like this? Is there anything I can possibly do to help him?

Any advice would be hugely appreciated.

OP posts:

LaurieFairyCake · 04/12/2014 16:19

Why would she work when the children are only 2 and 3, I'm guessing the childcare costs would be prohibitive surely?

SunnyBaudelaire · 04/12/2014 16:19

oh does she have a flat screen TV? what a scheming biatch!

SunnyBaudelaire · 04/12/2014 16:21

also Iwokeuplikethis, what you are telling us is your version of his side of the story. I would take it with a massive pinch of salt.

MrsSquirrel · 04/12/2014 16:24

I think he should call her bluff and let her go to the CSA. As long as they have a private arrangement, she will continue to blackmail him. Is he too scared of her to do this?

Much better for the kids to have regular contact with him, including overnight.

Quitelikely · 04/12/2014 16:25

The more he has them to stay at his house the less he has to pay her. If he is struggling with paying her the CSA cannot take what he doesn't have. He is entitled to pay rent etc

He needs to go onto the actual calculator and put in his outgoings to see whats what.

And it certainly isn't fair IMO if he has to pay her money while he is living in poverty himself but the system isn't always fair.

YesIDidMeanToBeSoRudeActually · 04/12/2014 16:30

Look, forget all the bollocks background of tvs, it's all her fault, she's such a shit, my poor friend having to pay his own bills etc.

This is the crux of the matter:
". She demands money off him, £80 here, £50 there on top of what he already pays her. He does it because he wants to keep on her good side but she's really got him by the short and curlies."

So what you are saying is that he only pays maintenance (less than the amount he SHOULD be paying btw) as she has him by the short and curlies. Well I would venture to say that makes him quite a shit parent in my view. I support my DC as I quite like to keep a roof over their head, have them clothed and warm.

This is about the CHILDREN and frankly there is nothing I wouldn't do to support them, even if I didn't eat anything myself. He needs to step up and take some proper responsibility and stop moaning about what SHE does, it is not relevant to his responsibilties to the children he created.

Incidentally, do you have children yourself, and is the man a "friend" or something more?

HeadDoctor · 04/12/2014 16:35

Quitelikely - that's not correct. The NRPs outgoings have no bearing on the amount of maintenance due. The two exceptions are pension payments and deductions for other children living with him. They can and do take money that the NRP can't afford. That said, if he can't afford the CMS rate of payment then he needs to adjust his lifestyle somehow. Paying for his children is his first priority.

FrauHelgaMissMarpleandaChuckle · 04/12/2014 16:39

Why was he forced to move out?

Inthedarkaboutfashion · 04/12/2014 16:42

So he is (or you are) annoyed because his ex has bought a telly and carpeted the house - the house that the children live in! He needs to pay for his children, end of! If he doesn't want to be giving her money willy nilly then he needs to make a proper arrangement through the CSA (or whatever it's new name is) and he needs to pay the correctly calculated amount and then he needs to sort proper access to his children. He isn't paying through the CSA because he is currently paying less than what they would calculate so actually he is on a good thing and still isn't happy and still wants to oath less for his children. He sounds like one of them dead beat dads who think their children can live and survive for free. It's all very well saying he is a great dad but great dads don't begrudge paying properly for their children and they don't begrudge their children living in a house with a new flat screen telly or carpets. In fact all great dads would happily struggle financially to see their children right.
If he isn't entitled to housing benefit or other benefits then he must be earning enough to pay properly for his children's upkeep.

YesIDidMeanToBeSoRudeActually · 04/12/2014 16:46

And the resident parent can't say well I haven't got the money, can they? They HAVE to house, feed and clothe them.

It really fucks me off when non resident parents do not meet the responsibilities to their children and blame the other parent for this. No excuses.

You've been spun a very one sided line of bullshit here. It reflects badly on you that are believing and repeating it.

FrauHelgaMissMarpleandaChuckle · 04/12/2014 16:48

I was actually not brave enough to post this when I first thought it. But.

You are very invested in the relationship troubles and money troubles of a "friend".

I'm guessing you're a family member - just be careful - you're hearing one side of a story, and there's always three sides, my side, your side and the truth. Which usually lies somewhere in the middle.

FrauHelgaMissMarpleandaChuckle · 04/12/2014 16:51

My ex husband tells people I just didn't want to be married to him.

What they don't know is the years of frustration, the hundreds of hours trying to get him to see my point of view, the plethora of rows if I didn't want to do things his way.

And when we split up, I bought a flat screen tele too.

Oops.

WishiwasHenry · 04/12/2014 18:00

OP, Good to see you're getting lots of legal advice.

Starlightbright1 · 04/12/2014 18:12

If you want the answer.. Yes..He can do something..He can look at his expenses and figure out how to pay the minimum payment...Then if she threatens to go to csa ( now CMS) it won't matter.

If he is unhappy with contact , ask to go to mediation then court if not sucessful..

Original poster

1wokeuplikethis · 04/12/2014 19:09

Thanks for your help, I literally didn't know where to ask or look to find out any info. Often you hear about the mum who is trying to get money off the good for nothing father. I've rarely heard or seen anything about where the man stands.

OP posts:

Original poster

1wokeuplikethis · 04/12/2014 19:10

(He is not a good for nothing father) I just meant o know a bit about the mums side and nothing about the man's.

OP posts:

Greengrow · 04/12/2014 21:04

Good to see women benefiting on divorce. Instead with me I had to pay him. I had to have 5 children 365 nights a year. I had to work full time.

Inthedarkaboutfashion · 04/12/2014 22:38

I've rarely heard or seen anything about where the man stands.

Really? Do you actually mean NRP rather than men? Many men have full custody too you know.

3xcookedchips · 04/12/2014 22:49

You haven't explained why he was forced out?

Why can't he move back to the FFH?

I would guess he moved out voluntarily.

Cabrinha · 05/12/2014 23:34

Why isn't he going for 50/50 contact? He should do that because he loves them and wants them, not for the side benefit of stepping out of maintenance payments. Why has he accepted one weekend in three?

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