Can a Stepmother restrict access to my father's funeral?

[Pennsylvania65000]

Not sure if anyone can help. Had a really awful day my father is very ill in hospital. My stepmother and I do not get on long story too difficult to go into. She married my father in his 70s when terminally ill. She has made it difficult for me to visit my father when he is ill. I went to the hospital to visit my father who has cancer and renal failure and she started an argument on the ward shouting at my dad to try to get me thrown out. The nurse asked my father whether he wanted me to stay and he said I would like my daughter to stay. She is abusing him in my eyes shouting over a dying man and am so upset. I want to prepare myself for him passing and don't know if I have any rights to go to his funeral.

There will be a hospital chaplain. Can you ask him to accompany you so that you get some time to spend with your dad and say what you want to say?

I know it must be daunting but I think for your sake and your dad's sake it would be prudent to try to find a way through this.

You could shout back at your step mother if she's the bullying type? .

Have seen it all the time. Death heightens family emotions and brings every bit of conflict to the surface.

Keep cool, keep calm and keep the staff informed. They will watch and notice who makes the trouble.

My father died and his second wife cut us kids and all the grand children off from the entire family. There was no happy ending for us but I am happy she is out of my life.

I hope you and your father manage some private time. Fight for it (in a calm manner- bash a pillow when you get home )

So sorry about that Lil that is very sad for your whole family and I know how you feel. I suppose my father has to take some of the blame. It seems they can not stand up to them at all and they let them treat their children in the most appalling way. My father has never met my youngest child. I have remained calm.

Deux - that is a excellent idea about the Hospital Chaplain, would they get involved in this sort of thing? I think they would be a great help here. I can't see how she could behave like that in front of him/her.

Thank you everyone, I feel much better letting this all out.

Yy to talking to the hospital chaplain. And to trying to arrange something outside hours.

I am going with my brother now. I feel anxious

Hope it goes well, for you x

I hope all went well. Thinking of you.

Thank you, it went okay. He was on his own. He talked a lot and it was lovely to see him so animated. He was very worried about his wife finding out I was there though, he asked the nurse to phone home to check she wasn't coming back, He also begged me to call her and apologise and wants me to meet her tomorrow and invite to my house. I did as asked. At least I was able to talk to him for a couple of hours on my own, I feel at peace with that.

It must have been a difficult call for you. But I think doing as your dad asked was a gift that only you can give him. Right now, he is the most important and you doing that has brought him a measure of peace.

I'm glad you were able to talk to him. I hope you were able to say the things you wanted to say.

Penn

my father was a weak man who would do anything for a quiet life. I am glad you have had some time with your father. It seems to me that your Father can see that you are the more reasonable person and so is asking you to make concessions that, perhaps, aren't quite fair but will smooth things over and allow him to die believing his family is reunited.

I am very sad for you and hope that you will find some way of finding peace in the time you have left with him.

Families hey?

Thank you both for taking the time to reply.

Just wanted to say thinking of you in such an awful situation - if you feel that she is obstructing your father's care you could raise a SOVA alert (safeguarding of vulnerable adults) with social services.

Hi Penn

How's things today?

Hi Lil,

Went to visit this evening and he has been discharged. I am really surprised as when I saw him last he couldn't walk and was very frail. Is this normal that patients get discharged when so ill? I am worried that his wife can't look after him as she has various health conditions. Just fallen out with one of my brothers as he thinks it's okay for him to go home with her. When my other brother called her there was an ambulance at the house as she was having a panic attack. I suggested that I should call the Pals team in the morning to make sure he's okay. Any advice Lil or should I just leave it? Maybe I'm just interfering like my brother said, I'm just worried that he may not get the care he needs.

I know I probably need to take a step back but I can't help it, it all feels wrong

Sorry Green, just saw your post. I do feel confused as to whether I need to step in. I don't know how he is being cared for at home. I just don't think she is able to care him. Would I be able to find out what care plan is in place for him?

Well, I'm not Lil & I'm in the US, so what I say may mean nothing. When we brought my father home, there was a hospice team that sort of oversaw his discharge & our plans. They questioned us before discharge to be sure we understood what was involved and could care for him. They made sure we had what was needed (hospital bed, commode toilet, & meds, etc). Nurses visited twice a week to assess him.

If you feel that your stepmother is not capable of caring for your father, you should contact someone. It's our duty and responsibility as their children to do our best by them. I googled PALS and that's a starting point. You might also contact his GP and express your concerns. My feeling is that your relationship with your StepM isn't the best anyway, so what do you have to lose? Your father's safety and wellbeing is the most important thing.

If one of your brothers is on better terms with her & has the judgment to evaluate the situation realistically, could you ask him to 'scout it out' and report back to you? Perhaps hospice or home care has been set up for your dad and your brother just caught the household in a momentary uproar.

Thanks Across, yes my brother is going over to the hospital and then round to the house today to find out. Perhaps they all can manage there with a nurse coming in but I wonder, he has stoma and a catheta.

The thing is I have no way of finding out now for myself, and have to rely on others.Maybe that's where he wants to be, I suppose I have to respect that and step away.

Sorry about your father passing Across and it must have been a real comfort for you to be able to be involved in his care. Never really realised the importance of that before, you were very lucky.

I just hope my father is where he wants to be.

Across

The hospital discharge team do have a duty of care to ensure he is being looked after. Green made a sensible point about raising a SOVA- could you contact social services and ask them to check in? They will be able to discuss this w/ the hospital team.

It is very sad that nobody thought to tell you he was being discharged before you trekked to the hospital.

The paramedics will also raise any concerns if they felt that his wife was not coping. They will have carried out an assessment when they were called out to her panic attack.

It was a true blessing to be there for him, Penn. But even if you can't you can offer support to your brother (who apparently is 'ok' with your SM?) and ask him to let you know if there is anything you can do 'from the outside' to help either your DF or to help your brother in keeping an eye on him.

Would there be any point at all in talking or sending a letter to your SM asking/begging to see your dad 'on her terms'? If a little 'groveling' now gets you to see your dad, remember that there will come a time where you no longer have to see her on ANY terms.

I think it's safe to say that your DF would like to have you there, but remember that he is weak and ill and really what he wants most is peace and quiet. I guess if he has to buy that with your absence, in a way, that's also a gift that you can give him. I hope that makes sense.

Talk to your brother after he's been round to see them. If you feel there is cause for concern, do as others have suggested and contact Social Services.