two mums custody issue

[crow1916]

Hi,
I'm desperate to get help. I am our 6 year old daughter's bio mum, my ex partner adopted her at 6 weeks old. There's no dad/donor involved.

We split up about two years ago and I moved out. I took nothing from the house and my ex's brother took on my half of the {big} mortgage bc she didn't want to move out. I moved to a town about 20 minutes away from my ex's home and my daughter's school. I have paid child support to my ex bc she says it's better for our daughter to be with her (bc of the location of her school) most of the month and so she is the primary carer and gets all the benefits and tax credits. My ex has two part time jobs.

I have my daughter every Wednesday and Thursday night and every other weekend. It works out that I have her 4 days less than my ex. We arrange the drop off and pick up between us, even getting up and back to home early and late as I now work 50 miles away from my home town.

I had a period where I wasn't paid (about 3 months) as I was working as a supply teacher, in that time I paid no child support as I had no income.
Now I'm working full time again and trying to sort out my finances. I had a meeting with my ex and explained I wouldn't have any money left from paying off my arrears until January. She has threatened to take me to the CSA. She pays for school clubs but I end up buying my daughter clothes for my house and obviously food and heating when she is at my house.

I would like VERY much to have my daughter more of the time but my ex says this is unfair on our child as she will have to get up early three days a week, rather than the current two days.

My ex is very controlling ; does not respect me as a parent, she constantly questions my every decision, from food to television, to bedtime, she's always right.

I've tried very hard not to play the 'bio mum' card, after all we planned our child together but it really upsets me that she has her more than I do and I am working full time while she just demands money from me.
I'm finding it very hard to find advice online as everything seems to be about dads. I would like to avoid taking legal action but I'd really appreciate some advice on my rights. Can I demand we change the custody arrangements so I see my daughter four days a week?
Shouldn't my ex have to get a full time job as I have and pay her own way? Any help you can give me would be greatly appreciated.

"Custody" was replaced with Parental Responsibility 25 years ago. When a child is legally adopted the parent adopting acquires Parental Responsibility. That means your ex has the same responsibilities and rights as you. So important decisions about where children live, when they have contact, changing a child's name or school, or relocating a child abroad need to be agreed.

If no agreement can be reached either parent may apply to court for an order. Then after hearing both sides of the story a judge decides what's in the best interests of a child and meets their needs.

Child maintenance is treated separately from contact. Whether or not your ex works is her decision. Under the CSA/Child Maintenance rules the paying parent pays a percentage of their income minus a deduction to cover the overnights a child spends with them and the receiving parents income isn't a factor. IF care is shared exactly 50:50 neither parent pays child maintenance. Child benefit and tax credits for a child cannot be shared.

Have you looked at the on-line calculators to see what they recommend you should be paying?

Whilst you weren't earning you don't have to pay maintenance so I'm not sure how you are in arrears...

Hi, I only used the word custody because that seems to be the word most people know in this situation.
I've looked at the CSa site and have worked out what I should contribute. It also turns out I've paid about £900 too much over the last two years if I usectheir calculator.
Please don't think I am complaining about contributing to my daughter. That is certainly not the case. i just hoped for some understanding of my situation from my ex.
By arrears I meant my bills for the house over the months I didn't work.
Thanks for your help.

Were you in a civil partnership/marriage or did you cohabit?

The bills for the house that you weren't living in? Or whilst you were out of work were you both still living together?

So is what you are saying is at the time of you being without a wage that you couldn't afford your household bills and now have to pay them off and therefore you can't afford your CMS on top?

Sorry I do sympathise with your situation and tbh you should be contributing again regardless of your personal circumstances.

As was said up thread you have options but you would most likely need to go down algal route and it sounds like an agreement can't be agreed between you and your ex.

Sorry should have been you have options for contact but sounds like you need to go down a legal route.

I think, if I'm following this correctly, you've told your exp that you can't pay child maintenance until January because you are in arrears with your personal bills from the last few months. Is that correct?

Yes. My bills for my house. I'm resenting the fact that she can choose to work part time and can't be flexible. I paid more cs than I should while I was a supply teacher but I didnt mind at the time. If just like some understanding from her.

If your ex only has your DD four days more than you every month, that is almost a case of shared residency so I would expect your liability for maintenance to be quite small.

You probably won't get any understanding from your ex I'm afraid. If you want 50:50 residency for your DD you would need to go to court. Your ex would resist this as it would severely impact her entitlement to maintenance I think.

Yes. This is my problem. CSa still says that I have to pay at least £140 a month just for those extra four days a month.
I'm going to say I want to see my daughter more and it's going to get nasty I think. I've really tried to be reasonable but she has no respect for me at all.

I feel like she had TWO donors and now she just wants my child and my money.
I've never played the bio mum card. I know they have a special relationship but she wants everything to suit her and doesn't care about anyone else.

What do you mean by playing the bio mum card? What will you do differently?

You might want to look at the Natalie Gamble Associates web site. They are a family law firm with a lot of experience working with gay and donor-conception families.

all my friends think I should have more days with my daughter bc I'm her bio mum. I've always respected my ex's role as parent but she has no regard for MY role as parent at all.

If you are unhappy with the contact arrangement and your ex is completely inflexible you need to take her to court and apply for a 50/50 contact arrangement.

There is no biological card to play. You and your ex have equal parental responsibility.

Your only options for resolution in this matter is by private arrangement which you have said isn't possible or going down a legal route. Have you tried mediation?

She doesn't think she needs to go to mediation. She's just right.
And I know legally there's no card but I find that very hard to stomach knowing how I feel about my daughter and my ex's seeming view of her as a 'project perfect person'.

Well then I suggest you get some legal advice

One issue is if you were civil partners or just living together originally . As someone said above that may well affect the outcome. Let us presume just living together, no civil partnership.

Secondly, how old is the child?