Looking for the other opinion

[Sillyman2002]

Right - here goes.

Ex and I split start of 2011 and our daughter is now six and a half.

For first two and half years after split I looked after my daughter at ex's house for 2/3 nights a week while she was in work. Proper daddying - baths, tea together, bed, reading, etc etc. Left her house after ex got home and returned to my place.

Last May ex was made redundant, got another job but was laid off in July. I made childcare arrangements for the summer hols, which she agreed to, but then were not needed. While she was working I was doing school drop off and pick up.

Since then I have been seeing my daughter one morning at the weekend (I work the afternoons on Saturday and Sunday), some days after school for a few hours, and for a few holidays a year. She stays over one night a month, which is planned in advance with her mum's agreement.

I have had a new partner for just over a year and we are very settled. Her and daughter very happy together. Couldn't have asked for a more happy relationship for 'step' mum and little one. Ex and partner have been getting on well.

Ex has just had a new job - so will be getting daughter from school on Monday.

I've put it the ex that I should now start having little one every Monday and, when I get a new job that allows me to not work weekends, one night at the weekend.

The response has been to more or less reject my proposal, telling me that she does not want my daughter to spend more time with me, and she doesn't want the threat of extra time away from her hanging over her. She says it will be upsetting for our daughter and doesn't want her to have a new home when she already has one.

My proposal would mean eight nights a month with me, and the rest with her mum. Maintenance would not change amount.

I have spoken to one friend who has joint custody of one daughter with her ex husband - she was quite amazed at the amount I see my daughter and has said that a solicitor will tell my ex that she's being unreasonable.

I'm very aware that children want and need a father in their life. I want to guide my daughter, give her an upbringing where her dad is not just a bloke who's there at the fun times - but someone she can rely on to give her support and advice.

I'd really like opinions on whether I'm being unreasonable in what I'm asking. Joint custody and shared parenting is what I want, and think is best for my daughter.

Any thoughts?

My husbands son (Now 22 so not for a while) stayed with us on a Friday night straight from school and was dropped back at Mums on Saturday evening just before bed. This way my Husband got a whole day with his son on the Saturday and Mum also got a whole day with her son on the Sunday.

In our case because Mum worked during the week she really didn't get to spend much quality time with her son. She saw him after she got home from work (usually around 6.30pm or after he got back from football/cricket/rugby practice, and up until he went to bed) She really needed that whole day with him to catch up and just do family things together.
My Husband was very aware of this and we all worked hard to make sure no parent lost out as a result. Maybe trying to find a similar way of splitting your DD's time but that shows it wont impact on Mums time with your DD is the best way forward.

Good luck

Thanks Roses,

I'm really trying to get to a point where I see more of my daughter, but ensure that my ex does too.

She'll only be working part time - so will have daughter for most of the time anyway.

I know how she reacts to things - with a kneejerk and then mellows. She's suggested we leave things as they are for now until the divorce is settled.
I imagine she'll see the benefits to our daughter and then make it all seem like her idea....!

I'm used to this.

Get along to your nearest Families Need Fathers meeting would be my advice. Eight nights a month sounds perfectly reasonable.

That's what I thought.

I'll give her a while to get used to the idea.

Get yourself informed of the process in the event she continues to refuse. If you ended up needing a court order it's a long drawn out process and requires mediation beforehand. Fingers crossed she does mellow :)