Residency

[colacubes1]

I have posted previously about this under a different name. Back in family Court tomorrow and hoping for some advice as I'm terrified!

My ex and I separated years ago. Our daughter has already lived equally between us a week at a time with each of us. We had a Shared Residence Order in place. 3 months ago she made an allegation against her dad, he had hit her hard across the back and left a red mark.

I made an urgent application to Court when it first happened. The Judge issues a new Order, a Child Arrangements Order with her dad having alternate weekends, supervised, whilst investigations were carried out.

Police investigated but dropped charges last minute and Children's Services have done an investigation and concluded at she is not at risk of significant physical harm or systematic abuse but they have discussed alternate discipline methods with him which he has taken on board. They have said she is at risk of significant emotional harm due to the acrimonious relationship between me and her father. They have sat on the fence with residency, say it is not clear who is to blame for the acrimony (I guess it never is) and have said they will not comment on what residency pattern is best for her. They have said that the old pattern of full alternate weeks was not good for her and has left her feeling like she has two separate lives and provides no consistency.

She has now had the new pattern for over 3 months, we are back at Court tomorrow and her dad wants the old alternate full week pattern back but I want to keep it as it is, except with his time no longer supervised of course. I know I need to show to the Judge tomorrow why it should stay as it is and not change back but I wondered whether my arguments are valid or seem irrelevant/petty. I'm petrified as he has a Barrister speak for him and I will be by myself. There are my reasons:

1. She now enjoys going to her dad's whereas before she used to cry and get very stressed at knowing she wouldn't see me for a whole week. She is happy to go whereas I used to have to persuade and coax her.

1. She was constantly taken to school late when with her dad and hit the school's "unacceptable" level for lateness every single month which was causing her to be worried and anxious in the mornings. She was late every single day for the last week of the school term.

1. She used to wet the bed regularly but has not done so for over 2 months. I believe it is from her being happier and more settled.

1. Her behaviour has improved, no angry outbursts, no frustrated screaming. Her dad told Children's Services her behaviour was previously terrible so this is noted. although she has never been badly behaved here just occasional outbursts, usually frustration.

1. Her dad refused to allow her to attend her activities such as her dance class and Brownies, so she only ever did them alternate weeks but has loved being able to go every week and it has made a real difference as before she missed a lot which made it harder for her to feel like she fits in.

1. She has already changed routine once, Children's Services state the old pattern leads her to feel instability and like she has dual lives - why change it back to what we know doesn't work for her.

I understand they are likely to set a further hearing for a full contested Residency case as ex won't budge with he alternate weeks, but surely in the meantime it's best to keep it as it is. The Judge already said it's likely if we can't agree they will Order a Section7 from Cafcass which I understand will seek to find and recommend the best arrangements for her..

I just don't know if my arguments have any weight or if I will just get shouted down by his Barrister again. Any advice appreciated.

1, 2 and 6 seem sensible.
3 went down like a lead balloon for the other party in our case, 4 was ignored and 5 we were told there were pros and cons for both party's argument.

Is there another pattern that would increase contact with father without her having full weeks?
We split weekdays in half (Mon Tue Wed AM and Wed PM Thur Fri) with alternate weekends for example. I think alternate weeks would be a struggle for most children.

Thank you for replying.

No other pattern that he will agree to although If it has to be 50:50 I'd rather split weeks than full weeks. My reasons for wanting EOW is because it means he has to do far less school mornings- he simply cannot get her to school on time and it makes her anxious in the mornings. She is due to move into Juniors soon and they are given lunchtime detention (10mins) for more than 3 lates in month which she is already worrying about.

Do you mind if I ask about what happened for you? Why did the behaviour/bed wetting go down like a lead balloon? Presumably it's because it's unproveable?

Also about her activities. She adores her dance classes and her Brownies group. I could understand him not taking her if his time with her were limited but when it's been full alternate weeks an hour once a week isn't too much to ask. It's one of the reasons for her outbursts. She's so angry with him for refusing to allow her to do anything or attend her classes. It's worse cause I would never arrange it without his agreement, he agreed to it then changed his mind after she had started. Was your case similar as in 50:50 or was it one parent with much less time not wanting all their time wasted by activities and clubs?

Yes the bed wetting was because it couldn't be proven to be a direct link.

I agree with you on the activities thing - if he's having her regularly then it's only fair he takes her. In the case I mentioned, one party wanted the activities to continue even though it interfered with contact that was only EOW. The judge simply said there was an argument for both and neither was more right than the other. By all means argue it but perhaps expect it not to hold too much weight :)