Ex back in touch after almost 10 years.

[KingJoffreysBloodshotEye]

Long sob story message via facebook (he doesn't have my address or phone number).

Wants to have some contact with DS (11), introduce DS to his 'half-siblings and get to know him. Apparently he's moving back to our town and doesn't want things to be 'awkward' if he sees me - no chance of him even recognising DS. He's also recently lost a family member and 'wants to gain' family whatever that means.

I know this guy. If we do meet up as soon as DS or I does/says something ex doesn't like he'll be off again. Leaving DS totally confused. No good can come of this.

I don't want to respond. I want to delete and block. Personally I think he's just grieving and wants DS to fill a hole. They've not seen each other for almost 10 years. No contact. Dodged child support - although now paying £5 a week from his benefits although that's pretty sporadic.

He was emotionally abusive to me. Spend my pregnancy telling me to have an abortion/have DS adopted. Played the doting dad (although always put himself first) for a year and then fecked off when he met someone else.

We were married. He is on the birth certificate.

He has put in writing (on facebook) that it's been 9.5 years since he last saw DS, and admitted the lack of child support and even mentions when he met his wife which is the same time he ditched DS.

DP has been bringing up DS. He thinks if we say no there will be legal 'issues' although ex has said he won't be going through the courts and will get contact regardless of the history.

What's the situation? What should I do?

"Ex has said he won't be going through the courts and will get contact regardless of the history."

I'm not sure I understand this. If you won't facilitate it and there is no court order, how will ex get contact?

You really need to think about what is in the best interests of your ds. Ex sounds like he wants contact for his own benefit, not for the benefit of ds.

Also bear in mind that contact doesn't have to be a face-to-face meeting. It could be email contact initially (via a webmail you use only for that purpose) at a pace that is right for ds.

I assume your son knows DP is not his Dad? I know this isn't what you want to hear but I think you need to talk to your son and tell him his bio Dad would like to resume contact. Explain to him in non-emotive language that he is flaky and you can't guarantee he will stick to times and dates but he is his Dad, and if he wants to see him you won't stand in his way. Then give your son some time to think about it.

If he decides no, I would probably not reply to the message and just delete Facebook. If he decides yes then you need to decide the best way that they make contact again. Whether it should be surprised initially etc.

The legal answer is that the only consideration is the child's welfare. What that means here is unclear.

On any basis, DP is emotionally the most important male in his life now. Ex's appearance is a PITA to say the very least of it. You don't need me to warn you of the chaos it could introduce.

What happens next is, frankly, anyone's guess but the courts tend to the view that honesty is the best policy. Experience too shows that running from a problem like this or acting as if it is not happening will only make it worse if the father persists. (I'm not suggesting you would and after all, you are discussing what to do!)

Now "if the father persists" is an important qualification. If he really is going to wander off again then the situation is clear. DS needs to know about his father (as I suspect he does), but not necessarily that he has been in contact. If however, the errant pater is going to stay the course for a few years, you are going to need a damage limitation strategy.

You need to start the conversation with DS, not least because he is of an age to be involved in decisions that may affect him for the rest of his life. I disagree that you should tell him that his father is a flake but when he asks you for explanations you should not protect his father. But equally anything that could cause your son to think he was not loved could be tricky. "He wanted to live a different life" might work?

There then needs to be some indirect contact to test the father's resolve and to allow your son plenty of time to think about whether he wants to take the next step or not.

If that goes well, you and DP are best placed to know how to arrange what then happens. But in any event, I see no reason whatever to imagine that the bond between DP and DS to be weakened. He IS DS's son in all the ways that matter and DP should have pride and confidence in that.

With this approach you retain control of what is a very delicate situation for your son. If you simply don't engage then there is nothing to stop Ex from making an application and then the whole process will be taken over by others, eventually culminating perhaps in DS being told that you have been resisting contact with his father without his involvement. That could cause him to want to see his father more even though if he had met him early, he might have decided not to continue with him!

This is an awful and very difficult situation. No-one can really tell you what the best thing is to do. The law is clear but entirely unclear at the same time.

Good luck with everything,

HP

I have an appointment tomorrow with a family solicitor.

One big issue is that ex cannot know our address. His history of weird behaviour terrifies me and he really can't know where we live. We'd have to move. I wouldn't feel safe. I don't want to have to sit in my home with all doors and windows locked.

I suppose he could email DS. I really would rather he just buggered off though.

Tomorrow I'm going to ask whether he can take me to court and whether court would take him seriously after 10 years of no contact and no child support.

DS does know DP isn't his 'real' dad. I told him ex just didn't want to be a father and DP did. Haven't said much else because I didn't know where he lived/worked/etc until I got this message.

Can he take me to court? Will it cost him money? Would he have to prove he's cleaned up his act? Would he have to prove he's no longer emotionally abusive/violent? Will they ask why he buggered off? Will they take into account me being terrified of him? If DS doesn't want to see him would a court make him?

Yes he can go to court and request contact.
Will he be given it? Depends on what the court decides is the best interest for the child.
Does it matter that he hasn't paid any support? No. It's not pay-per-view and unless you are talking very large sums of money, courts do not deal with the financial side.
Will it cost? Of course, including you if using a solicitor.

Can he take me to court?
yes
Will it cost him money?

yes
Would he have to prove he's cleaned up his act? Would he have to prove he's no longer emotionally abusive/violent?
probably not, unless he exhibited the behaviour directly to DS
Will they ask why he buggered off?
maybe, but any half-assed answer will do. The court presumes it's in the best interest of the child to see the 'absent' parent
Will they take into account me being terrified of him?
only if you have legal documentation of actual abuse towards you, and then they'll probably just direct visits to a contact centre
If DS doesn't want to see him would a court make him?
*if the courts order visits, then yes, it's legally enforceable. But there is an age at which DS can refuse (10? 12?).

Documentation of abuse is on the divorce papers which he read, signed and didn't query.

Would that do?

Violent behaviour took place in front of DS.

Violent behaviour could mean supervised contact.

The behaviour being in front of DS won't necessarily preclude contact.

There is no set age at which your son's wishes become the deciding factor. It depends on the extent to which the court believe he understands the consequences of his choices. At age 11 his wishes would generally be a major factor in any decision about contact. But if the court orders contact it can be enforced.

Delete and block.

bloody is right. It would probably mean supervised contact at a contact centre. There are cases where the man has beat the woman to a bloody pulp and all it means is that things are arranged where he has no chance to be alone with her. As far as DS previously seeing violence, court papers would probably simply state that if he does become violent visits may be curtailed or eliminated until he completes an anger management course or some such shite. Unfortunately, the legal system presumes that the child needs contact with their father no matter what an arse that father is.

You know your DS best. Would he resent it later on if you blocked his father and didn't respond or would he understand your reasons for doing so?

He sounds like bad news. Delete your facebook account for now. Pretend you are a fluffy headed fool who doesn't understand new tech if challenged later. Your son has a proper father in your partner by the sounds of it. He can meet up with the biological one when he's older and there's no danger of problems with access etc.

I'd just delete/unfriend/block and ignore.