Relocating...

[Noregrets78]

Bit of background - divorced over a year ago. XH is abusive and controlling, not a reasonable person to deal with. DD (10) has not seen her Dad for a few months, her own choice and I agree. He has made very clear that he wants to see her, and I have therefore repeatedly offered mediation, which he refuses.

XH has now moved four hours away, although I think has kept a temporary bolt hole here, which he would no doubt use if he was seeing his daughter.

So now I want to relocate, with DD. The reasons are numerous, and probably irrelevant to list. He refuses to do anything through court, but if he applied for a PSO I have no concerns that I'd be successful.

So my question is - what's deemed to be a reasonable way to go about this? Bearing in mind his threats are the reason I've refused to talk to him directly about anything else... I'm not willing to talk to him about this. If I just inform him it's happening then offer mediation if he wants to discuss - is that reasonable? If I just went ahead with it... Would that weaken my case if it ever went to court?

Moving within England, although the other end of the country.

Hopeful bump...

As you were married and the father has Parental Responsibility he has the same responsibility and rights as you to determine important issues such as changing a child's name, where a child goes to school, medical treatment and permanently relocating a child abroad. That means parents can act independently with day-to-day care but they usually ought to seek agreement on important issues, or if no agreement can be reached apply to court for a Specific Issue Order to resolve the matter. Acting unilaterally on the important stuff may be deemed unreasonable and leave someone on the back foot in court.

Children's wishes and feelings are important, but they have to be seen in context of the circumstances and family background. A 10 year old isn't mature enough to understand all the implications of a decision and their views aren't determinative. For example parents might ask their children's opinion about moving, changing schools and leaving extended family and friends behind. Ultimately though it is the adults who make the decision with the child's interests at heart in view of all the circumstances, including economics and job opportunities for parents.

Also good parenting often involves persuasion or coercion e.g. to brush their teeth, to sit at the table, to go to school, to do their homework, pick up their clothes, to visit family friends and extended family. Some children who resist contact have loyalty conflicts and cling to the parent with the majority of care, the constant in their lives, because they feel disloyal seeing the other parent. In those cases persuading a child to maintain relationships with both parents means the child grows up secure about their natural parents and their identity leading to better self esteem and fewer behavioural problems in later life.

Even when children have witnessed outbursts of tempers and low levels of abuse any risk of harm may be outweighed by the harm children suffer if they don't have a relationship with one of their natural parents or harbour resentment against them.

Of course there are some children who resist contact because of events they can reasonably describe. It's unlikely that contact would be recommended when children have witnessed criminal abuse and show signs of anxiety, or if they find contact unrewarding because of the behaviour of a parent unless the parent changes their behaviour.

In a nutshell, although it's unlikely a court would prevent someone from moving in the UK unless it is to somewhere remote or because the motivation for the move is thought to be purely to frustrate contact, it is likely a court would expect reasonable arrangements for contact and sharing travel to be put in place in all but the most exceptional cases.

Thanks STIDW. DD certainly comes under the heading of showing anxiety, and that her feelings are due to his behaviour, which he has refused to change. At the moment I'm trying to get her access to proper counselling as she seems to be on a downward spiral of recounting previous events as if they happened yesterday, having nightmares, and jumping out of her skin if she thinks he's trying to contact her. I do think a fresh start somewhere new might help.

We're not in a position to put in place any contact arrangements at the moment, as there are too many issues I need to raise with him, I refuse to discuss with him directly (e.g. I've had the police involved due to death threats when I don't agree with him), and he refuses to go to mediation.

In order to do things as reasonably as possible - I think I need to raise this with him proactively, and state that I'm happy to discuss further in mediation. Doubtless he will just kick off at me rather than actually go to mediation, but at least I will have acted appropriately.

I know he will object - even though he has already moved 4 hours away. It's a control thing sadly.