Advice regarding exDH and emails

[MissBlitz]

I split with DH over two years ago, we have three small kids, who he sees regularly for overnights, alternate weekend and every Weds and holiday time too. Despite everything being fine with contact, the contact is what he has asked for, he still sends me tons of emails, mainly with pointless unproductive stuff where accuses me of being difficult with him regarding stuff to do with the kids. He was violent to me in the relationship and is a very difficult person. He just seems to want to keep up the nasty control he had of me when we were together. The emails look on the surface like they are about the kids, but mostly they are well worded lies that cover his true intention of getting at me. I put a diary in the children's bag when they go to his and put anything he needs to know in there. Do you think I can block his emails? Just tell him they are not helping things between us, not in the interests of the kids and so I will just tell him things via the diary? We have never been to court, but he often threatens that and mediation. Any advice? I am worried I would seem obstructive if anything came up, I am happy to tell him about the kids, just want these emails to stop.

He is having regular contact from what you say so you'd have nothing to fear from him threatening court, and mediation is a voluntary process, so nothing there for him either.

It's only if he begins a court action that mediation becomes (mostly) mandatory. If he was violent in the relationship, and it was noted in some way, e.g. police called, you can get out of mediation.

As for your real question regarding emails, this is the difficult bit, but you make a rule of

• only reply to anything that is specifically about the contact arrangements. Very short, one-line replies confirming arrangements, or acceding to requests.

• Never reply to deny/defend his accusations. Ignore them because you don't care what he says/thinks, because quite frankly he's your ExDickHead.

This may, in the short-term, escalate bad behaviour because they want, and enjoy provoking you. At this point, you write a very clear 'cease and desist' email.

Dear ExDickHead,

Thank you for confiming you will pick up the children at 8am on Saturday.

Yours, wife you lost.

Dear ExDickHead.

Much of your correspondence to me is unnecessary, and I consider its only intention is to cause me distress. In future, any emails that I receive that I consider as causing unnecessary distress will be promptly, and without reply to you, deleted immediately.

This outcome of this for both us and the children, is that it makes contact arrangements more difficult not less.

Yours, wife you lost.

[If he then gets repeatedly worse, which is likely]

Dear ExDickHead,

As of my email dated X date, I informed you that I found much of your correspondence to me unnecessary and to intend distress.

Since you received that email from me, I consider that your behaviour has worsened.

I am therefore informing you that should you decide to continue in this vain, I will seek independent advice and action to curtail this behaviour.

Again, this will only further sour our relationship, and this will undoubtedly be to the detriment of our children.

Yours, wife you lost.

And then, bloody well go and see the CAB/solicitor/police about a Non-Molestation order.

If it's not that 'nasty' that it requires outside agencies, then yes, just block him, get a different phone no just for him to send you abusive texts with and let him live with YOUR decision.

Your children have to foster a positive relationship, and you cannot stop that. You don't have to put up with him being an arse.

Thanks wellwhoknew thing is he is very nasty. And all his emails, if they were true paint a terrible picture, but most are full of lies, he is very clever though and makes them sound like they are legitimate concerns, when instead they are just a way of having a go at me and creating nastiness. I just want to do the right thing, but don't want to have these emails anymore they don't get us anywhere and aren't needed. But I worry he will use me blocking him to take me to court of more mediation, we have been before

I see. So you have a mediated agreement?

I've seen some shocking allegations made by the other side in emails, and yes, they are hurtful and cruel.

Try the approach listed above, it will escalate things initially (believe me, it will) but eventually, when it doesn't get the desired response they give up and try something else.

If he had legitimate concerns, they he has legitimate means to correcting them. Long ranty letters to you are pointless, and you can treat them as such.