Long journeys to father's house - change to contact order

[timefliesby]

My ex and I have a contact order in place which requires me to do a four hour trip to his house to pick the children up on a Sunday evening. (He does Friday evening) But when it was first implemented by the court, neither of my children were in school and he had them every other week from Friday to Tuesday, with me picking up on Tuesday mornings. I was happy to do that 4hr round trip on a Tuesday morning when I had had 4 days to sort all the stuff that comes with being a mum of two small kids. But now, they are in school. I get Saturday and Sunday every other fortnight "off duty" and on one of those days I have to drive for four hours on a Sunday night before school on Monday morning. It's not fun. I have suffered this year with virus after virus and I am sure it is because I NEVER get any downtime! It also means I can never go away unless it's in the direction of his house because I always have to be in Derbyshire on a Sunday evening come hell or high water. He of course doesn't have the same issue on his weekends off as the children reside with me and so he doesn't have to get them back. I know it is irrelevant really but the reason we ended up miles from him is because he was unwilling to allow us to stay in the family home or provide accommodation nearby (despite at the time owning 15 apartments and having his parents nearby). The other thing worth mentioning is that he pays me £12 a week per child, which doesn't even cover the petrol cost to take the kids to see him. He is a self employed father and gets away with paying little maintenance despite being very wealthy.
He is totally inflexible and the children miss a lot of school parties etc. They for the most part don't seem too bothered by the travelling for now but I'm sure this will also change as they get older, they are still just 4 and 5. What do other people do when parents live a four hour round trip away? My feeling is that he should come down, take accommodation nearby for the weekend and drop them back. I imagine I would have to apply to the court to change the terms of the agreement but i don't know how they would look on this change? What do other people do?

Other people do as you've been doing..... Getting on with it

And no, you ant get it changed to suit you ( and this is really just all about you isn't it) the dc have the right to a relationship with their dad in his normal home situation with his friends/family etc

Maybe it would work better if you did the Friday run? Still cuts into your time, but feels different IMO.

1. If you just told him he will have to collect in future that would leave it to him to have to apply to enforce the order and you could get it varied.
2. I suggest however you write to him suggesting changing things.

The problem for him is he seems just to see them for a weekend every fortnight which is nothing like as much as most parents would like. Could you both not move nearer each other so the children could come and go more? Could he pay for a live in au pair who does the driving between you now the children are older? It might also mean you can earn more as you have more childcare?

We once had someone who did school collection and house cleaning and she did lots of driving at weekends for us if we had 3 children at different parties one hour's drive away. It was worth it even in a marriage.

Basically you are telling him he is Mr Stinge, you can't afford the petrol and if he wants more of the children then he needs to pay the costs of it.

I woudln't worry about the children missing parties though they get to an extreme up to age 8 with far too many and the presents are expensive. The more they can avoid them the better.

Unfortunately the courts consider maintenance and contact as separate issues. Have you looked into contesting the maintenance award?

Unfortunately for you I don't think a court would require him to come to you. I can see why you are fed up, but like you say the kids are likely to object to this arrangement at some point and start refusing to go.

Does he not have them at all for longer periods in the school holidays?

Ironic name soulsister.

CATB yes he has them for shared holidays.

CATB I have an ongoing painful CSA variation going through. And yes you're right, they are seen as two different issues - except they are not.

Greenhow. I moved three times at his whim in the first three years of my babies' life. I then moved city again because of him when my kids were 1 and 3 because he wouldn't help pay for accommodation nearby and the house was in his name. The distance was needed at the time anyway as he was threatening to "do me over good and proper" and telling me that I didn't know what he was capable of. I didn't stay to find out.

So really...I'd rather not move again just yet :-)

He sounds awful.

I expect you know that most women are rarely penalised for refusing contact and few end up in jail over it so one tactic (in my view mean and morally wrong women) use is just say no contact or in your case due to finances he can still have the children but will have to do all the collections and leave it to him to to go court over it.

In our case their father never chooses to see them or only rarely. I have all 5 365 nights a year and work full time and he pays nothing. I suppose at least that is simple although hardly fair and he lives 5 minutes' drive away (and I paid him off on the divorce as I earn more).

Greenhow. Ouch. 5 children, 365 days of the year, full time job. You must be tired.

I do still want them to have contact with him. On the whole he seems to be nice to them, even though he was a total pig to me.

Dilemmas huh?

Was he abusive? It sounds like he might be.

In which case I wouldn't be sending my kids and I would definitely be taking advice from Woman's Aid and applying for some sort of renegotiated, supervised, contact.

CATB emotional not physical. I left when it looked about to turn physical. I did attend the WA course just to build up my self esteem which took a battering over the four years. My situation is still preferable to this: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1241422-Should-I-leave-now
This doesn't sound or even seem like me. We are happier now. Sometimes I wonder though whether my son has to put up with the "never good enough" thing now. He comes back spouting stuff about "daddy says I must read/cycle/swim everyday." The knock on effect is that if he even misses one swimming lesson due to a cold or whatever, he gets terribly upset about what his dad will say. I have to say "don't worry, I'll let dad know it was my idea"...

Would meeting somewhere half way to do the drop off and pick up be easier? It would obviously be the same time wise but I definitely find several shorter journeys easier than one long one.

sounds similar to my ex. suggest that you meet half way, or that he will need to do collections. As far as his dads opinion of what your ds should be doing, afraid that never goes away, teach your ds that those are dad's opinions, which like yours he can listen to and then choose how he responds. My ds is now 12 and the latest gem over the holidays was 'dad says my handwriting is too scruffy and he has helped me improve it' (I'm sure ds teachers were thrilled by that one!) and that apparently only he knows how to teach ds maths 'properly' (again, I'm sure his teachers were thrilled!) I could of reacted but simply said "its nice your dad has an opinion, have you thought of doing xyz.. It doesn't necessaryily get easier, just changes as they get older.
Definitely suggest the half way meeting point as then you haven't 'gained' anything in his eyes which is what exes like this seem to want to fight at all costs

You can't apply to change a contact order unless something about the situation has changed (eg DC's are a lot older than when the order was made). The court cannot make (or change) an order unless it is demonstrably in the interests of the child, and as they have already considered all the aspects of the case, you'd be hard pushed to convince them to change it. I'd suggest asking your ex about the split journeys; this is still in keeping with the shared travel arrangements of the order but may be easier for you.

and to add to what balia says, in order to get a contact order varied, form C100 now has to be signed that mediation has been attempted first, so you wouldn't be able to take it to court without first going to a mediation service to see if this can be resolved (found this out last week as need to change my contact order times)