Not sure what to do re absent father (living abroad) and visiting

[questions2008]

Hello,

My ex and I have been divorced for 1.5 years (he ignored papers and judge had the divorce pushed through and granted without his input) and since separating (3 years ago) he moved back home which suffice to say is not a country to negotiate with regards to child support etc. So of course he hasn't been paying any support. He has had access to DS (now 5) via skype and he came over for 4 days about 2 years ago. He refuses to discuss support and just makes demands, his latest is that he's decided to come over the Oct half term to see DS, without any discussion with me first. He says he wants some sort of agreement, legally binding, between us before he considers any kind of support. I have said fine, send me your agreement and I'll take it to the solicitor and then we can agree visits too, because I want give DS a more consistent framework rather than relying on his father's whims.

Can such a thing be drawn up? He will want things like me putting DS on a plane for the summer to go visit his dad every year (I won't agree to this as where he lives I wouldn't have a chance in hell getting him back if he doesn't want to send him back hence why he ignored divorce papers as he thought he could stop me divorcing him until I gave in).

Also, I would feel more comfortable if he could not legally take him out of this country either if/when he visits, can I do this if i think he is a flight risk?

Considering he has little/intermittent access to DS, does not support him, has been to see him once in 3 years, can I not get parental rights transferred solely to me?

I don't have much money (he left me with debts to boot) so would like to spend as little as possible on a solicitor - I handled the divorce proceedings myself.

By the way, we are both British citizens.

I would apply to the court for a prohibited steps order - stopping him taking the child from the UK. Based on the fact he lives to far away, out of the UK and has very little input/relationship with the child.

I would also apply for a child arrangements order that states the child is to reside with you.

You can self rep, court fees are approx. £250 each order I believe.

It may be harder to acquire if you do not have exes address, and because so far, your ex hasn't suggested or made a move in the direction of abducting him.

I certainly wouldn't be agreeing to anything that wasn't a court ordered - you and your son need that protection.

Be open to contact starting slow, building up. Request CAFCASS's involvement - perhaps saying you would like their input on how best to go about an arrangement.

They will not be bothered about maintenance in a family case like this though, you would have to apply to court for that.

Most countries though, now, do recognise the CSA/CMS so double check.

Good luck.

Oh and it is very, very hard to get a father to lose their PR - It is highly unlikely that it would happen.

I'd do whatever I could to not facilitate arrangements myself. (legally of of course)

what country is he living in? SOme the children are always the "property" of the father and I would let my kids go there over my dead body.

WHat is your child getting from this arrangement really? Would you really be better off financially or would it lose you other benefits if he started paying? Children don't need two parents if one is a twat

Google Reunite dot org (sorry, can,t link).

They will have specialist advice for you.

thanks all for your advice.

i'm not really looking for a legal way to force him to pay maintenance, I've done it all myself so far and whatever he pay would be a bonus. I've given up hoping it might dawn on him that he could contribute to his son's life at some point.

He's in Egypt and I've looked it up but they are not signed up to the hague convention. And yes children and women are property there in men's eyes.

Today he threatened to call social services as I told him if he planned on coming then he needed to discuss that with me first (so he got annoyed). I said I'm not scared by your threats. He then backtracks and says I'm not threatening you. He just won't grow up. So angry.

I thought PR would be tricky. Sounds like a Prohibitive Steps order might be my only option.

And I would definitely not send my DS over there until and unless he was a teen and wanted to go, nor sign up to anything like that - that's what pissing him off. He can stay pissed off because that is not changing.

Over the last 6 months I have not made access very easy (skype) to try to see if it changes his attitude. It hasn't. And now DS is growing up and I worry that one day he will blame me for not allowing him to have a relationship (however limited) with his dad. So I started communicating with him a bit more.

I would apply to court for the orders to protect him.
Perhaps offer contact via a contact centre when he is here? Just to protect yourself from conflict and to get an opinion on how they interact.
Try not to interact when he is threatening, and keep a book of all communication to you, and son.

Also, notify the Passport Office that no duplicate passports are to be issued. You don't want him claiming they have been "lost" and getting new ones which he holds