Child maintenance

[Llareggub]

I separated 2 years ago from my alcoholic exH. We are not divorced. Our 2 DCs live with me full -time and he visits once a fortnight.

Due to his past addiction problems I have facilitated contact in my home, partly so I can be around if he has relapsed and also because he is not local and so he can put the DCs to bed, cook them supper and do dad like things. Obviously he takes them out too but because he is not resident in the area and the DCs are still young they need somewhere to return to.

Anyway, it was all working out OK until recently. He has met someone and now she accompanies him on the visits and hangs out here sometimes. It is driving me insane to have her in the house. She is pregnant. She seems OK but frankly I don't want her hanging around my house.

We had a private agreement that he would give me money at the end of every month which has worked fine until now. Last night he told me that he could not and would not pay me anything. He has a full-time job. I have had to chase him every month for the money but he has always previously paid, albeit a week late.

He said he is going to ring me this evening to tell me how much he is going to pay from now on.

As we have previously had an private agreement in place can I pay for the child maintenance service to take it directly from salary? I'd also like to end the arrangement whereby he hangs out here with his girlfriend every fortnight. It's really not doing my anxiety levels any good!

Just to add - after much "discussion" he transferred one third of the agreed amount.

Apply through the CMS and don't wait - they will only collect arrears from the date you contact them.

Contact the CMS they will sort this if he refuses or becomes awkward they will handle it. However they can only give you what he gives them so if he starts refusing to pay the full amount they'll get a detachment of earnings. This child will reduce your CM when it's born though.

If you don't want the girlfriend turning up then tell him that, if he doesn't listen and turns up tell her to leave or you'll be calling the police you don't care where she goes just not on your property. Or you can (not saying this is right) turn them both away and refuse access until he comes alone. You can also say if he wants to see the DC from now on it can be in a contact centre.

I am toying with the idea of a contact centre to be honest. The DCs will hate it but a mother from school (we are friends so she knows a bit about him) told me she smelt alcohol on him in the park.

I've played around with the calculator and know that it will decrease when the baby is born but to be honest by very little. I am very tempted to go for a detachment from earnings because at least I know I'll get it then.

It looks terrible written down, I know. He's a flawed, troubled, fundamentally nice person but I think the drinking has damaged his brain.

You can't just go for a detachment from earnings. You have to have many of missed payments for it to happen. I know my DS's father refused to pay for 6 months then hasn't had one since so no detachment of earnings.

The DC need to be in a safe environment and your home should be a calm, happy place for everyone living there so you shouldn't live with anxiety from him. He will have to pay for the contact centre as he is the parent seeking contact which will incur a referral fee and then an hourly fee price depending on what level of supervision is required. However if they smell alcohol on him they will not let contact go ahead which is something to be happy about.

I would be going down the contact centre if people could smell alcohol on my DC's father in a park that suggest strong levels of alcohol that's been consumed.

Good luck

It's so frustrating. I've tried so hard to facilitate contact. I'm not sure about whether he really did smell of alcohol. My best friend was here with me the same day and neither of us noticed. But then, he has been an alcoholic for such a long time he is pretty adept at hiding it.

Bugger. My DCs will be devastated if he stops coming.

Well you have to weigh up what's more important your kids having their father in their life despite the fact he maybe consuming alcohol or not or whether you facilitate safe contact where he will make the decision on whether to turn up or not

You can call CMS/CSA whatever they are called now and start a claim even if you have had a private arrangement, and I would do that today, as someone said they don't backdate. It is not up to him to decide where to spend that first 20% of his income, as there are children to feed and clothe and care for.

You are totally right not to want the gf inside your home and if he is drinking heavily again, you have enough evidence that he is a 'real' alcoholic as he has been in rehab fairly recently. I think it is not only thinking about whether your children should have a father-drinking, or father-contact centre, the third part of that is your anxiety from dealing with him. Of course it is about the children, but an relapsed (or not still in recovery) alcoholic is not a 'normal' xH. And if you are stressed, your children will be stressed. However, you also start running the risk that he will take them away for a weekend and then you won't know what is happening regarding safeguarding your DC.

Can you not go back to an arrangement that involves their GPs?

I do wonder what possessed him to drag his gf across the country and sit in your living room, or for her to come? Is he trying to prove a point?

The Child Maintenance Service handles new applications and since the end of last month there is an application fee of £20. Once the Child Maintenance Service has calculated the amount of child maintenance due you can an make your own payment arrangements if you both agree. This is called Direct Pay.

As of next month if you use the Child Maintenance Service collection service to collect and pass on payments the paying parent will be required to pay a fee of 20% on top of the regular payment and the receiving parents will have a 4% fee deducted from the payments they receive. So it is neither parents' financial interest to use the Collect & Pay if it can be avoided.

The CMS can only enforce the arrear of payments from around the time they receive an application

As far as contact is concerned being an alcoholic or drinking isn't in itself a reason to stop contact. Lots of parents drink, take drugs etc and the authorities only intervene when there is evidence that a child is at risk of harm. Even then it is often a case of putting measures in place to ensure parenting is "good enough" rather than preventing contact, or indeed a child living with a parent.

I've never prevented contact, in fact I have done all I can to facilitate contact.

He has been sober less than a year. He has been in rehab at least three or four times, psych wards, suicide attempts, the works. I was very fearful of his ability to keep the DCs safe during his drinking. I agree that my anxiety is directly related to his drinking/not drinking and it is hard to articulate why this is still the case.

I have no idea why his girlfriend comes too. Maybe because she drives him, I don't know. He is banned from driving.

Anyway, I've rung to get the ball rolling. It seems straightforward enough. Thanks for your help. I think he is going to get a real shock when he sees that I haven't been fleecing him all these months!