Legally what kind of effort do I have to put in the maintaining contact between my dd and my ex?

[mercifulgibbon]

I've tried to be amicable for dds sake and encouraged email contact with me helping because dd is very young. For about the millionth time now and for the third week in a row, he hasn't bothered properly. He lies about why too without realising we have a mutual friend who doesn't lie for him.

Legally do I have to continue with the emails? It was a private arrangement and there's no court involvement. I'm just wary of making life more difficult for us by stopping but it's making me so angry for dd now.

Any advice would be great, thanks!

If there has been no legal involvement, then you're not required to do anything legally.

He could pursue legal action though if he isn't happy with the arrangement you've made between you.

Morally, you have a duty to make reasonable efforts to help them maintain contact.

Why is the contact by email?

I see, I see!

It's email because we live far away and there are safety concerns (genuine ones not scorned ex made up ones). Its a weird one morally for me because contact with him means exposing her to someone who could hurt her but at the same time she has a right to know him. That's why I've pressed on for a year despite him barely bothering :(

I think the moral obligation is greater than the legal one given that you don't have an order in place. You need to be able to tell DD at 18 that you encouraged a relationship and allowed her the chance to know her father. That doesn't mean bending over backwards. Maybe alternate emails, so only send them when he's replied.

Yeah, it's the moral side of it that's gives me the stress! I don't want my anger at him letting her down make me let her down too. It's just hard finding the balance between being a doormat to someone who knows exactly what he's doing. He knows that I want the best for her so when he doesn't reply or sends a completely nonsense filled email, he knows I feel obligated to carry on. It's frustrating.

I think you have to carry on with the emails, but just try and view it differently.

Firstly, take pleasure in being the bigger person. So when he sends nothing/nonsense, just think 'I'm so glad I'm a good and reasonable person and not a massive twat'. Pity him, don't waste energy being angry with him.

Secondly, try and look at the emails as a record for DD, like a diary. You can write what she is doing, put a picture etc., do it for DD to read when she's bigger. If he replies great, if he doesn't that's his loss.

I like those ways of looking at it and think I might give that a try for the while. It's just scary because I can't help worrying that me bothering like this means if it ever did go to court, it looks like I wanted dd to have contact with someone who isn't necessarily safe for her to be around. I worry that they'll see my emailing even when he barely bothers as me pushing him on her :(